DECEMBER DEMONS

Bottomline : money starts talking and you listen, it gives you suggestions that you know very well are illogical but since it overpowers your thinking thus forcing you to make the dumbest decisions ever..

Money has this itching effect, anyone who tells you money never itches him or her is a pretender, the festive season provides the most suitable environment for the itching effect of money to manifest itself.

This remains to be the only month where you have two salaries; your November salary usually hits the account on the 5th of December latest whereas the December Salary is deposited in the account latest 15th, those employed are we reading from the same script? Yearly bonuses also happen to come at this time, if you are never loaded in December yet you are employed, the person who bewitched you died without lifting off the spell.

In this month, church attendance is at an all-time low, when people have money they forget about God. Either way they will come back in January, after seeing the light when broke. It is the only month when one leaves the house at AM (After Midnight) as early as 8 am and comes back in AM as late as 7 am the following day, after A night out raving. Actually it’s the only month that nights are longer and days are shorter. This is the month when you realize food prepared in the house is very tasteless thus opting for roast meat nyama choma eat outs and those door to door pizza deliveries from selected outlets Debonairs and above

Then the money starts talking and you listen, it gives you suggestions that you know very well are illogical but since it overpowers your thinking thus forcing you to make the dumbest decisions ever. Money will tell you how Jameson from your usual neighborhood joint which is relatively ‘cheaper’ is of a lower quality, has been diluted by, its counterfeit and produced somewhere in Kariobangi North. It will go further to advice you how it might give you liver cirrhosis, kidney failure, diabetes, high blood pressure and leukemia yet you have been drinking there for a whole year. Money will therefore direct you to upgrade to another upmarket joint where the price of Jameson is attached to its ‘big’name that comes with it hence costing you thrice what you are accustomed to, since you are buying both the ‘name’ and the drink.

After using public transport and route 11 (walking) for the whole year, money will advise you on how you need to either buy or hire a car depending on what is available, it will never advice you to use taxi. Most of the time it advises on the latter, car hire. Knowing very well you don’t have a driving license you conspire with crooked members in the System acquiring it within two days, call a driver friend of yours for a two day driving crush programme in a nearby football field probably the neighborhood’s  public school, we all know these private schools have no playgrounds ave for the small bus parks. Within three days you are overtaking people in roundabouts, playing loud music with all windows open as one arm is in the“Greater Than” position. Those asking why traffic jams have been all over the city, you now got your answers. All these come with hidden costs which you will be made aware of in January.

Most of your friends have gone upcountry to join their folks; money tells you how you should also go upcountry to visit yours. How do you even remain behind when the entire neighborhood is away? Unless you want to invite those unpleasant questions of “Kwani hamnaga Ushago”, you don’t have an upcountry home? . Knowing very well the village perception a Nairobian “JoNarobi” as they are referred or other urban dwellers “JoPango” the ground will be hostile if you don’t arrive in a car with serious supporting documents inform of shopping from city supermarkets to account for what you have been doing in the city.

All bills will be yours to foot, relatives will come in handy with all kind of financial problems that need your financial intervention such as how your father’s dog invaded their farm and devoured all their maize and groundnuts thus a poor harvest yet the last time I checked with my class four science teacher dogs were carnivores i.e meat eaters;  the chief will also ambush you with a proposal to marry his daughter as elders converge at your homestead daily offer you development advice on how you can play a crucial role in ensuring the village establishes its first power plant (Posho mill) which will be the village’s lifeline. Heading upcountry in December is a trap; yes a serious trap and January always proves me right just wait and see

POLITICIAN’S WIFE

Bottomline: I must take an active role in voter mobilization moving around villages hugging women,distributing Lesos, sugar,salt and cooking oil in an attempt to endear him to the female voters who have the decisive vote only for me to become the first causality

Its now two weeks and counting,I haven’t heard from him no text, no call, no anything just like any other common,ordinary citizen I just see him on the television during those live parliamentary sessions if they happen to be aired by the national broadcaster while am in the house. Sometimes I see him neatly dressed during television interviews and am not the one responsible, who dressed him? To worsen the matter am seeing those clothes for the first time in my life. Questions start lingering across my mind where does he freshen up from before donning those adorable designer suits? Who is this woman who has taken over my husband? Where was she before he rose to this prestigious position?

The problem isn’t with her any way since in the absence of water lizards can claim to be crocodiles anyway let’s get back to my husband. I have been covering for him when our children bombard me with those questions that don’t have a proper-definitive answer on the whereabouts of their father. Since I don’t want to tarnish his ‘good’ name to his children I had to be a liar, yes a  serial liar who has to plan lies upfront and execute them with utmost precision to ensure they come out us the sheer truth nothing more. ‘Dad came home late and left early to attend to a matter of national interest;”I would feign as I prepared them for school around 5 am.

I must not only put a good face but also a good word in front of the children,something they will buy easily with little or no question marks.They should not see any sign of my pain,despair and struggle in keeping the family together. The picture of their father being the national hero everybody wants to be associated with at every level from the constituency to the national level has to be maintained at all costs necessary. Any sign of unhappiness from my side will definitely change their perception of the national hero, I don’t want to attract any unnecessary questions especially from them as it would lead to emotional instability which will affect their academic performance,perception and self esteem.

Sharing with friends,neighbors,colleagues or relatives is a no, yes a big NO. I can’t take chances they will make mince meat out of my struggles providing the necessary fodder for rumor mills, gutter press and blogs to attract traffic and make money through shouting headlines accompanied with exaggerated stories. This will expose my fragile union even further in this internet era fake news is rife soon social media investigators in their attempt to make the story juicy with interesting twists and turns they will dig out further splashing our photos everywhere for all to see.

Though the story will have some truth from a distance bulk of the information contained in the alleged ‘dossiers’ will just be hogwash. This will provide the best foundation for political propaganda with a well oiled political machinery thanks to my husband’s political enemies with the help of their handlers,data mining companies and political spin doctors. I may wake up to bad news which was my creation; with photos of my entire family circulating on social media from Whatsapp groups to Telegram channels as bloggers try to outshine each other on who can sell a much more juicier story with damning details and exposes. The internet never forgets by the way….

Having normalized the pain of an absent husband perfecting the art and technique of putting a brave face full of fake smiles as I talk with anyone and everyone who asks me how we are doing at home or how has been. I have to be at my best even on my worst days as I go on with my daily activities since any behavioral change might attract some unwanted attention from members of the fourth estate and their accomplices.

As a political tool on standby to be deployed and employed when necessary in fighting political propaganda during the messy,noisy and chaotic electioneering period that lasts for close to a year. I have to accompany him so that he won’t be called names or despised of how he expects to take care of a constituency with close to 80,000 voters and approximately 200,000 inhabitants yet he can’t take care of his wife.

In politics anyone or anything can be used to undress you thus discrediting you amongst voters. I must take an active role in voter mobilization moving around villages hugging women,distributing Lesos, sugar,salt and cooking oil in an attempt to endear him to the female voters who have the decisive vote only for me to become the first causality. As if this is not enough I form campaign parties dubbed ‘Warembo na Mheshimiwa’ in all villages with an aim of covering more ground to ensure he wins two elections; both the party nomination ticket and the actual election. The party nomination is usually the herculean task though…

Being a trophy wife to be used for public displays during state functions,dinners,church sermons and political rallies. I have to look good at all times, dressed in the latest designer attires top-down,with the latest hairstyle,shades from Dubai,Italian handbag topped up with an irresistible French cologne. Physically I may seem to be well,however, the devil is in the detail; what you may not know is that am emotionally drained. After the function we might not even go home together let alone being driven in the same vehicle. We will be seen together in the next function for the sake of publicity, if I fail to make a grand entrance away from the public eye; tongues will start wagging which is not good in this line of business.

Driven in the latest Toyota V8 with a bodyguard and driver at my disposal, living in a state of the art 10 bedroom maisonette in a leafy suburb,children attending an international school, unlimited vacations topped up with numerous shopping trips many are of the opinion that I should forever keep my silence and enjoy the privilege that comes with the trappings of power as long as it last. What they don’t know is the emotional pain that comes with such a life. They don’t know of the long sleepless nights as I pray that whenever he is may he be safe,may he not bring that disease,yes that DISEASE we all talk about in hush tones that requires daily medication though thanks to the introduction of PrEP I care less. What hell of a life……..

RAPED

Signing out from work on a Monday 6 pm to be specific as I headed for a meet up with a friend at a popular local joint within the central business district to catch up. It was my usual hangout spot as I was familiar with the staff from the bouncers manning the entrance, the counter cashier who gave me regular discounts on drinks to my favorite waitress.

As I waited for him to arrive, he texted me 45 minutes after I had already ordered drinks as I waited for him that he will not make it for our meeting citing a family emergency, his mother had been admitted thus he had to abandon our scheduled meeting to be with his mother,a humanly act that anyone who acknowledges the role of family in society will understand without any feeling of feeling wasted or suspecting ill intentions.

Sipping up my drink as I waited for the traffic jam to reduce, two well dressed ladies joined me at my table. The club had a handful of revellers that day considering Tuesday was a working day. We exchanged pleasantries after which the manly instinct inside me offered to buy them drinks though I was on a financial off peak, contrary to my expectations, African women tradition or modern day urban slay queen practice they turned down my offer and instead bought me my favorite drink which I didn’t have the pleasure of consuming for a very long time.

Though I was resisting the offer with my mouth, deep inside me I was just waiting for them to open the lid kick starting our party. From our pleasantries they showed me their staff identity cards they worked for reputable institutions within the city and were on leave of absence that’s why they were there to clear their heads from the busy work schedule they had for the past few weeks. So expensive they appeared,expensive they were their conversations revolved high-end things be it shopping,hotels,vacations amongst other things I can’t remember well.

They had all the cards on the table hence I had no otherwise but to do the same starting by telling them my real name not the usual name I give to passersby I bump in these clubs regularly. I usually go by the names Tom of Fast Clean logistics but today I had to give out my real names and show my staff identity card. Cornered as I was I was left with no option furthermore,they were decent and employed ladies who had no ill intentions like the usual club hangers who are always praying to The Almighty that He may send you something that will force you to visit the gents for either a short call or a long call or any call as long as you leave them alone with your already open drink so that they slip ‘rice’ or anything that will knock you out for hours inside your drink rob you everything. Nevertheless, I had money in soft copy form in my ATM and mobile money the only cash I had was my weekly fare which was nothing compared to the drinks they had ordered on the table.

As we drank the night out I begged to leave at around 9 pm since tomorrow I was to report for work as usual plus I had to go prepare my supper considering I never ate anything meaningful for lunch. I tried using all excuses but they seem to be way ahead of me even when I told them I was rushing home to prepare supper and freshen up for tomorrow they ordered roasted meat and Ugali. After eating up I told them the public service vehicles operating our estate route cease operations at 11 pm they offered to Uber me home since they had a car so there I was out of excuses but we agreed I would leave at exactly 11pm. We talked about many things from likes,dislikes,peculiar habits to our work bosses everyone loves to hate.

One of them I won’t mention the name wasn’t drinking as the rest of us so I guessed she was the designated driver. True to their words at exactly 11 pm we left the club.,though I was wasted I told them to drive me home my senses were still there and I didn’t sleep all the way to their Lavington apartment. I sat at the back alongside the more friendly lady who seemed to have drunk more than her system could handle manifested by her uncontrolled vulgar talk. When I inquired why they didn’t take me to my place they said their car had less fuel plus they weren’t 100% sure about the layout of the route in and out of my estate thus couldn’t risk night driving in a strange place thus they were to call they taxi guy who will take me home.

I removed my shoes as I placed my self on the couch in their living room I overheard the other one who was more friendly talking to their taxi guy over the phone to come pick me up. That was the last thing I heard only to be waken up with my mobile phone alarm at 5 am to find myself naked sandwiched between two naked ladies in an unfamiliar territory.

My last recollection placed me on a couch in their sitting room waiting to be picked up with their ‘taxi guy’ to be taken home, how did I get to their bedroom in that state? what should I do next? If I shout for help the neighbors will definitely know am the aggressor they are the victims. I came out of the bed wore my clothes went back to the couch to call Ken my Human Resource department point man informing him to prepare me an early annual 30 day leave of absence that commences from that day since I won’t be able to make it to work due to ‘family emergencies’ that have just arisen. I also dropped my boss a text on the same as I lay on the couch waiting for daylight to escape captivity.

I was in shock as I called my pharmacist friend requesting for assistance in acquiring Post-Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP) drugs for a ‘female friend’ who had been raped and didn’t want to use the formal procedure involving the police and their P3 form after examination. Time seemed to be moving at a tortoise speed, eventually I left the apartment at 6 am straight to my pharmacist friend establishment to pick the PEP then off I went home with a disturbed mind waiting for the 3 month period to end before I can undertake another HIV/AIDS test to ascertain my status.

I followed up on the two ladies at their place of work though I never confronted them on the matter I only went there to confirm if indeed they work at the firm to my surprise they were senior staffers not ordinary middle level employees. Opening up hasn’t been easy I have never sought the advice of a counselor or even shared the experience with friends since we live in a society where sexual assault, rape in particular is a women issue not a community problem where women are the victims and men are the perpetrators. People aren’t bringing up the issue about male rape victims since men who have been raped can’t parade themselves in courts and police stations as they too embarrassed to come out and speak about their ordeals which is disheartening.Male rape victims are just as legitimate as female rape victims. 

Many times have tried talking about the ordeal in second person form to friends, as a friend’s experience not my personal experience but everyone I share with casually laughs it off claiming ‘My Friend’ enjoyed the moment.

POST CAMPUS EVOLUTION

"Canvassing will lead to automatic disqualification’ is the greatest corporate lie since canvassing leads to automatic qualification, you can’t get any job in this country without connections luck ended during Moi’s regime."

It has been two years since I cleared campus, 18 months since I graduated and six months since I moved to the city, yes the big city. After staying in the village for 18 months, spending the last nine as a Board of Governors (BOG) untrained teacher, only to be paid meager wages for only four months after adopting scorch earth policy making the staff-room uninhabitable, waging World War III with the principal, bursar and director of studies as I threatened to drop nuclear bombs wiping out the entire staff-room. This was after I had taught all the subjects including those I wasn’t good at during my heydays such as Chemistry which I ‘left’ at the mole concept since I used to answer the uses of salt, aluminum, copper questions leaving the rest to God. Life hasn’t been a bed of roses

Spiritual; during trying times human instinct dictates that you become devoted to your creator. This is the time you start reading the bible daily, post biblical verses and prayer of the day across all your social media platforms from Facebook to Whatsapp as you give yourself hope that tomorrow will be a better day. You take up leadership roles in your church, become a serious bible study participant and accept Christ as your savior realizing he is the Alpha and Omega with the hope that he will remember you by opening ‘employment’ doors, forgetting you never set foot inside a church like structure during your 4 year college stay.

Relatives at high places disappear; we all have relatives at high places be it in government or private sector who promise to sort you out once you are clear with campus. They grace your graduation with sacks full of promises assuring you that once your certificate comes out, give them a call they will pull some strings, abracadabra, just like that you will have a job. Unfortunately this doesn’t happen they disappear leaving you stranded in the wilderness, they will stop picking your calls and whenever you pay a visit to their offices only to get clear instructions from the secretary that he or she will be out of the country for an unspecified period. Mine disappeared when I was sent for industrial attachment forcing me to attach myself at the chief’s office, doing everything in general nothing in particular.

Reality sets in; faster than the sun set you realize you have to start doing something meaningful with your life, meaningful in this case means income generating. This is when desperation sets in making you to demand any job as long as you can get something small. You realize that no employer in his sound mind is willing to give you the  Ksh 50,000 starting salary you once thought off as the least you could take. Higher Education Loans Board (HELB) starts sending you those text messages reminding you how your loan is due thus you should start servicing it monthly, they top it up with “Si Ulisoma Sasa Lipa” radio and television adverts threatening a monthly 5,000 fine if you default. You take up any job hoping that you will one day get the job you went to college for as you hope to make ends meet.

The hustle begins; resorting to the mad man job application approach which involves dropping your job applications in all companies you perceive have vacancies only for them to end up in the shredding machine. You apply for certificate of good conduct, Ethics And Anti-Corruption (EACC) clearance and HELB clearance, National Social Security Fund (NSSF) and National Hospital Insurance Fund (NHIF) which are statutory certifications for ‘serious’ employers who put the ‘Canvassing will lead to automatic disqualification’ caption yet its common knowledge this is the greatest corporate lie since canvassing leads to automatic qualification, you can’t get any job in this country without connections, luck ended during President Moi’s regime.

Your circle shrinks; you only remain with your close circle of friends, usually they are less than ten. The rest slowly abandon you as they get things that keep them busy furthermore, they have nothing to gain by maintaining friendship ties. Your Whatsapp messages drop from 5,000 in a day to less than ten as Whatsapp groups become inactive as massive exodus of those who have found important things leave. You go for weeks without even a single phone call as your clique shrinks faster than you expected. People attach value to friendship, with selfish questions such as ‘what do I have to gain’.

Pocket Money dries up; have you ever been broke till you start questioning why God didn’t create a Chinese man in the place of Adam so that he could eat the snake before it lied to Eve? If the Chinese man was to be the first human being to enjoy the Garden of Eden, he could have eaten the snake that lied to Eve who in turn lied to Adam into eating the forbidden fruit that lead to your current situation; right now you would be living a better hustle free life. If you have never thought along this line you don’t know what brokenness feels like? The only money you will be receiving from parents is either church offertory or barber shop levies “pesa ya kinyozi” whereas  the only shopping you will be going for is kitchen or household shopping usually once in a month with a shopping list that won’t even allow you to pocket more than Ksh 200 as balance considering the price fluctuations.

Sobriety takes over; memories of how you used to be extravagant back in campus creep in. Your extravagance starts to haunt you realizing how you spent a huge fraction of cash on alcohol, trendy clothes and flashy lifestyle you realize how you could have invested the money in some serious business. Am I the only one who has business ideas when am broke but the moment I have money they disappear only to return when am broke again?

Social media absence; this is one place you go incognito since you don’t have the decent trendy cloths, pose and looks which used to make you photogenic. You become photophobic avoiding any visibility across all social media platforms including removing your Whatsapp profile photo. Taking a backseat monitoring status updates as you hope to stage a major comeback in the near future. Your female are always slaying getting all the attention social media gives save for those who are on maternal leave.

Beb takes cover; the moment the pocket money tap begin to show signs of drying up your girlfriend will start coming up with nonsensical issues of how you are insensitive nowadays, you don’t give her emotional support, you no longer take her swimming, for coffee dates blah blah blah in her attempt to leave. She will go ahead to tell you how you should move out of your parents’ home so as to start  your own life, this is after landing some guy with a pimped bedsitter with a roommate somewhere in Eastlands who can’t take her for the same coffee dates and swimming thus dumping her. She runs back to you only to find you have a problematic job that can’t allow you to balance two problems at the same time. They normally take cover before graduation, if you are lucky enough she will take cover after your graduation either way she will take cover those campus relationships never last past the university main gate anyway.

Daydreaming; talking to yourself as funny ideas cross your mind on how you can make serious money fast enough to satisfy your needs which are always ballooning. Ideas of how can land a life changing government tender, hack your bank’s system to transfer funds to your account and how you can correctly predict those sports betting jackpots. This clouds your judgments making it impossible for you to think of any constructive income generating activity.

Societal pressure; the expectations of a graduate are far much higher since the society assumes education is the key to success, little do they know the padlocks are always changed immediately you graduate. Sentiments like “huyu tangu amalize shule hajapata kazi kwani alisomea wapi” casting aspersions not only on the credibility of your degree but also your personal abilities .

TURNING TALENT TO HUSTLE

I go by the name Antony Alvin Omondi though most of my friends call me Chamu am a 21 year old second year Economics student at Kenyatta University. Currently I practice digital artistry under my media company XVO crew which is at times referred to as Chamu_Toonz which is my nickname.It focuses on creative design,animation,digital artistry,photography and video editing.

I was influenced to venture into this field by my older brother who owns a creative studio in Kasarani, Nairobi known as Pixova Studio 8 months ago. He taught me how to use Photoshop which is the most popular creative design software in the adobe creative suite. After polishing my skills in Photoshop I embarked on You-tube tutorials where i learnt how to do digital artistry ‘Cartooning’ which is the company’s trademark and mainstay venture.  Though we are in the same field we specialize of different aspects.

When I tell people I have never stepped inside a graphics design or fine art class they say am lying to them since my skills are refined to be self taught. Those who know I have never stepped in class say am talented though I know it takes the 3P’s patience,prayer and persistence to nurture ones talent, talent without hard work is nothing as talent needs to be constantly put into practice for perfection to be attained.

 I have never thought of pursuing creative design as a full time career due to the limited opportunities in the country as most organizations prefer to outsource most of the creative design services from well established multinationals at the expense of local talent thus contributing to the slumber experienced in matters art and creative designs. For a long time people haven’t paid keen attention on the industry as most players rely on handouts and good will since it isn’t viewed as a career. No parent in our generation in his or her right mind could allow one to venture in the creative industry due to uncertainties experienced.

 The question of balancing my studies and art has never come up anywhere, the two operate on different timelines as I engage in digital artistry when am free. I have never and will never forfeit academic activities for my hustle unless big money is involved,yes big money worth the sacrifice.

Economics is what I am pursuing in school and hopefully I will be pursuing it in future as a career whereas digital artistry and creative design are what I am pursuing at the moment to supplement my pocket money. In the current work environment you have to be dynamic to survive, you have to not only think outside the box but also live outside the box. As different as the two trades are they are being undertaken by one person a classic example of not putting all your eggs in one basket.

Social media has played a major role in driving the demand for such artistic impressions with everyone striving to be unique. Platforms such as Facebook,Whatsapp and Instagram are the driving forces in this industry, the more they gain popularity amongst the My greatest support has come from my friends who always advertise my work through their social media handles. Through this form of advertisement have been able to get new clients through referrals from friends and friends of friends.The proceeds I get from this hustle is invested in my photography venture which is capital intensive. You can contact me via whatsapp on 07258871490 or Chamu-Toonz on Instagram if you are interested in getting tooned.youthful population the better.

I charge Ksh 1000 for 4 photographs of digital artistry though I give discounts when one requests for more than 10 photographs. My greatest challenge is the number of potential clients has remained low though it is slowly picking up.People who assume this job is a walk in the park expect me to toon them for free not knowing it is a job like any other requiring one to invest both time and intellectual abilities.I have managed to come up with illustrations of celebrities such as songstress Avril, Hip Hop maestro Octopizzo and socialite Vera Sidika.

THE DECEMBER TRAP

Bottomline : money starts talking and you listen, it gives you suggestions that you know very well are illogical but since it overpowers your thinking forcing you to make the dumbest decisions ever..

Money has this itching effect, anyone who tells you money never itches him or her is a pretender, the festive season provides the most suitable environment for the itching effect of money to manifest itself.

This remains to be the only month where you have two salaries; your November salary usually hits the account on the 5^th of December latest whereas the December Salary is deposited in the account latest 15^th, those employed are we reading from the same script? Yearly bonuses also happen to come at this time, if you are never loaded in December yet you are employed, the person who bewitched you died without lifting off the spell.

In this month, church attendance is at an all-time low, when people have money they forget about God. Either way they will come back in January, after seeing the light when broke. It is the only month when one leaves the house at AM (After Midnight) as early as 8am and comes back in AM as late as 7am the following day, after night out raving. Actually it’s the only month that nights are longer and days are shorter.

Then the money starts talking and you listen, it gives you suggestions that you know very well are illogical but since it overpowers you thinking forcing you to make the dumbest decisions ever. Money will tell you how Jameson from your usual neighborhood joint which is relatively ‘cheaper’ is of a lower quality, has been ‘added’ water, its counterfeit and its produced somewhere in Kariobangi North. It will go further to advice you how it might give you liver cirrhosis, kidney failure, diabetes, high blood pressure and leukemia yet you have been drinking there for a whole year. Money will therefore direct you to upgrade to another upmarket joint where the price of Jameson is attached to its ‘big’ name that comes with it costing you thrice what you are accustomed to, since you are buying both the ‘name’ and the drink.

After using public transport and route 11 for the whole year, money will advise you on how you need to either buy or hire a car depending on what is available, it will never advice you to use taxi. Most of the time it advices on the latter, car hire. Knowing very well you don’t have a driving license you conspire with crooked members in the System acquire it within two days, call a driver friend for a two day driving crush programme in a nearby football field probably in a public school. Within three days you are overtaking people in roundabouts, playing loud music with all windows open as one arm is in the “Greater Than” position. Those asking why traffic jams have been all over the city, you now got your answers. All these come with hidden costs which you will be made aware of in January.

Most of your friends have gone upcountry to join their folks; money tells you how you should also go upcountry to visit yours. How do you even remain behind when the entire neighborhood is away? Unless you want to invite those unpleasant questions of “Kwani hamnaga Ushago”, you don’t have an upcountry home? . Knowing very well the village perception a Nairobian “JoNarobi” as they are referred or other urban dwellers “JoPango” the ground will be hostile if you don’t arrive in a car with serious supporting shopping from city supermarkets to account for what you have been doing in the city.

All bills will be yours to foot, relatives will come in handy with all kind of financial problems that need your financial intervention such as how your father’s dog invaded their farm and devoured all their maize and groundnuts thus a poor harvest yet the last time I checked with my class four science teacher dogs were carnivores i.e meat eaters;  the chief will also ambush you with a proposal to marry his daughter as elders converge at your homestead daily offer you development advice on how you can play a crucial role in ensuring the village establishes its first power plant, Posho mill which will be the village’s lifeline. Heading upcountry in December is a trap; yes a serious trap and January always proves me right.  

KENYAN LADIES AND THEIR NIGERIAN BOYFRIENDS.

Bottomline: My sister if you happen to be dating a Nigerian businessman who doesn’t work at either Shelter Afrique, Taxify, Nigerian High Commission, United Nations or EcoBank, run baby run..

     

Seated in a dimly lit corner which doubles up as the VIP section of a high end lounge in the western side of the city, a place where only those with membership cards or ‘those’ accompanying ‘those’ with membership cards are allowed entry. I fall under the category of ‘those’ accompanying ‘THOSE’ with the cards thanks to the people I work with. In this section of the lounge you are able to have unlimited view of what is going on around the lounge. Let’s not confuse each other, a lounge combines dining and entertainment with the dining section serving a wide range of delicacies; a club has hawkers who limit dining services to eggs, samosas, smokies and sausages ; whereas a pub has its dining section at the door where meat is being roasted, boiled with soup being titrated under not so hygienic conditions.

Some few minutes to 8pm, a troupe of Nigerian men donning their usual Agbada attires storm in taking strategic sitting positions adjacent to where we were. It was not the first time I came across them infact, we usually had those small time conversations which don’t go beyond ten minutes exchanging only pleasantries since I am not able to comprehend the points they are trying to put across thanks to their heavy tongues, Igbo interference culminating to their pidgin English which from afar sounds like English but it’s not English, it’s just in between here and there.

Knowing very well that Kenyan men are grand architects of robbery without violence, like what the Thika trio pulled on Kenya Commercial Bank, they don’t bother themselves sustaining any meaningful conversation with us since they know we won’t buy in their ‘business’ shenanigans. Furthermore, the difference between them and us when it comes to crooked ways is the similarity. So they shift their focus to our gullible women who buy everything they say as gospel truth, removing no comma, hyphen or apostrophe.

Inset: Agbada attire Photo: Courtesy of Amillionstyles.com

Thanks to the fragrance of their expensive French cologne which I could tell was Annick Goutal Eau D’hadrien, women start trooping to their table one after the other, within a few minutes the ratio of  Ogas to women is 1:3. They automatically shift the point of attraction from the Deejays booth to their table as they talk in capital letters multiplying any other lounge sounds to zero raising it to infinity. Telling stories on how they took part in Biafra war, how they have neutralized Boko Haram in Sambisa forest, how everyone is a Masters holder back in their country and other Yoruba short stories as ladies remain glued to their seats listening keenly. If they would replicate the attention they give our these ninjas elsewhere, 80% of our doctors would be women and not men. Before realizing it, they are already living with them as husband an wife only for the Oga to disappear regularly for mysterious ‘overseas’ business trips within Westlands. They make you see Nigerian as paradise, until you start critically asking yourself, If Nigeria was the paradise they portrayed what brought them here in any case?  

Creating this enigmatic impression among our women aided with their movies and music which have religious viewership amongst our female members of the society portraying them as charming, hardworking, sensitive, patient romantic, presentable, loaded, confident, generous and caring which is the direct opposite of their realistic Kenyan counterparts who have been accused of being stingy, shaggy, cantankerous, lazy, boring, careless and insensitive.

Unlike men who reason with their heads before making judgments, Ladies use their feelings and hearts to make judgments. Alive to this fact, these cliques of Nigerian noveau riche possess all the attributes that will make ladies susceptible by appealing to their feelings thus facilitating their end game, deception. They clearly orchestrate the 3^rd Law of Power, concealing their intentions.

All of them are businessmen; they deal with everything in general and nothing in particular. They have many businesses overseas, their numerous passports act as ‘supporting’ documents to their claims, which in essence might be the criminal trail they left behind from respective countries. They all claim to be related to Aliko Dangote who is either their ‘uncle’ or business associate or a combination of both.

No man in his rightful mind would spend hard earned cash on daily merrymaking; drinking and smoking shisha. Our Oga brothers are international renowned drug peddlers, ivory traders, black market operatives, money launderers and cyber criminals. If you doubt ask uncle Google about Antony Chinedu or Emannuel Peter Lovembe. My sister if you happen to be dating a Nigerian businessman who doesn’t work at either Shelter Afrique, Taxify, Nigerian High Commission, United Nations or EcoBank, run baby run..     

DEAR MOTHER IN LAW..............................

Bottomline: Boiling sossi and noodles gives her the false assumption that she is a good cook.

I sincerely hope all is well with you as for me nothing seems to be well but I am fine. Am writing to you from our homestead somewhere in South Mugirango concerning your lovely daughter. You might not have heard about me and you may never hear about me depending on the designated role am playing in your daughter’s life.

Am not even sure if am the one she has talked about during your usual mother daughter pep talk, now that she is in her prime age, 20-23 years where she is the pearl of many men eyes courtesy of her physique.  I might not even feature in her list of preferred potential husband material ‘candidates’ infact I won’t be surprised if she categorizes me amongst her “a thousand ways to die”.

Coming from a clan of renowned dowry negotiators, my mother still holds the record for being the most expensive signing, bride the clan has ever paid dowry for, our clan was left 15 cows poorer. Apart from being a teacher she is the clan’s de facto chief chef across all events from weddings, family get-together to funerals.In the village where your daughter might be married there is no electricity and running water. I hope she knows how to carry water on her head from the stream.

Going by my previous experiences from your daughter’s kitchen ‘prowess’, am happy to inform you that your daughter might not even fetch you a chicken. I might not only be fined heavily for wasting their precious time and energy in a closed door dowry negotiation meeting of a woman who can’t cook ‘Ugali’ maize meal, for ten people in a pot on a three stone cooking fire but also be banished from taking part in clan activities since a man whose wife can’t perform motherly roles is considered single thus can’t speak in front of other men. She is an environmentalist thus she can’t come into contact with charcoal, she doesn’t know how to use a charcoal jiko, she isn’t aware of the existence of a paraffin stove therefore she can’t cook on both.

.

photo courtesy

The first induction these traditionalists whom we share a common village, origin and happen to be older than me will give her is to slaughter and cook chicken for them. This will be an herculean task am aware your daughter can’t manage since she is used to buy those ready-made somersaulting ones in fast food outlets around town or those deep frozen in my neighborhood butchery. Plus she considers it an inhuman act that is primitive in nature.

Your daughter is the SI unit of incompetence when it comes to cooking. She has managed to drag me to her sossi-noodle-pizza dietary axis which has made a minor common cold ground me as if I have contacted tuberculosis. Boiling sossi and noodles gives her the false assumption that she is a good cook. Am yet to find a family that brought up their children on sossi-noodle-pizza dietary.

Promoting local economy at the expense of my wallet seems to be her objective in life, buying ready-made food from chopped vegetables be it  kales or cabbages, grated carrots to boiled beans, green grams and peas. Nevertheless, God has been faithful I haven’t contracted cholera with all the outbreaks have seen on TV.

She tells me you never taught her how to knead flour that makes chapati which has forced me to incur additional costs in buying ready-made ones which have overstayed on those supermarket bakeries. However, lately I have resorted to preparing chapatis for myself since buying those ready-made ones she forces me put in my supermarket trolley limit my consumption abilities, in addition to their substandard nature.

Washing anything isn’t her thing as she says; doing laundry and cleaning dishes will break her well-manicured nails which are always under maintenance every Saturday afternoon in those posh saloons where ‘colouring’ nails takes the whole afternoon. The financial implication of her not being able to do dishes and laundry means I have to either acquire the services of a house help or  a dish washer and a washing machine to me the latter is the only option since I live in a bedsitter, though I still doubt if the two appliances can fit in the limited space.

African cooking stones

There is this universally agreed girl code that there is no mother in-law who is good. If my mother wasn’t that good I wouldn’t be here, she should never try to speak daggers concerning my mother, like Caesar’s wife, my mother is beyond reproach.   

I acknowledge we live in modern times though she has taken modernity to a whole new level. She has replicated her habit of watching wedding show to gate crashing weddings with her clique of friends where they go to benchmark for their future weddings. Didn’t I mention these weddings they gate crash are the invite only ones where one friend in the clique gets the invitation then the rest invite themselves as proxies as they tag along. Anytime she comes from those weddings I never have peace as she highlights on key areas of improvement for her big day in future. From how she prefers her wedding having a seven storeyed cake, being ‘chauffeured’ on a chopper to wearing an Italian made gown designed by Allesandra Rinaudo herself. Her wedding budget is worth my lifetime saving.

Her insistence on not taking up my name after marriage, in any case we end up together is another bone of contention. She insists on maintaining her birth name hope you will inform her of the benefits of taking up your husband’s name just in any case things go south she will be in a position to inherit the few earthly possessions I have here and there.

SLAYING SLAY QUEENS; THEIR SIGNS & SYMPTOMS

Bottomline: They consume alcoholic drinks with three names and above like Kerrygold Irish Cream Liqueur, Vermeer Dutch Chocolate Cream Liqueur and Forty Creek Premium Cream Liqueur,forget the two named ones like Johhny Walker,Captain Morgan and Remy Martin.

After tormenting  Nigerian men in particular and West African men in general difficult courtesy of their peculiarity which seems to have been blown eastwards courtesy of media literacy and pervasiveness this new breed of women, averagely educated with urban exposure have made a grand entry in our country with the following characteristics taking centre stage;

Lifestyle; invite one for a date they arrive as a squadron. A squadron has between four to five slay queens each with a specific role. The hottest one playing the Queen since she is the centre of masculine attraction, we also have the Drone who is the lead investigator and researcher per excellence. She is able to tell the financial viability of a man, the next best partying hangout and their next vacation destination.

There is the Undertaker, she is usually the ‘heavily built’ one incharge of general security of the entire squadron always sober, takes care of the rest by ensuring they all reach home after a night out party. Living together in some bedsitter somewhere in a leafy suburb to increase their chances of landing a big catch, paying 35K as rent. They have a Worker who is incharge of ensuring the house is tidy incase a potential catch stops by.

Making grand entrances in church in their high heels and bangles diverting all the pulpit attention to them, usually when the silence of the congregation is shouting probably during the second, gospel reading.

Nairobi diaries is the only program they watch in our local Television stations, they keep wondering why WAGS ( Wives and Girlfriends of Sports athletes) wasn’t listed in Kalasha awards , Huddah Monroe is their role model whereas Akothee is their threat since she promotes ‘financial independence’ amongst their kind.


Starter pack; for one to be admitted to this clique you have to have these as your factory default settings  Shisha pot ;purple lipstick; goldish shades; pink clutch bag, handbags are for those in mothers union; green tattoos  either the breast, neck or arm and Infinix Zero 5 optical zoom for hourly photo sessions. To them wearing a bra is old school since it will hinder the visibility of their cleavages.

Image Courtesy of Photography by Peter K

Force upgrades; The “I don’t do” statement is the most common term that comes out of their mouths anytime they want to object an offer, “by the way I don’t do those Pizza (Pitza to them) in town unless you order me one from Dominos.” I thought Pizza is Pizza whether it’s from Dominos, Debonairs or Deboras. They consume alcoholic drinks with three names and above like Kerrygold Irish Cream Liqueur, Vermeer Dutch Chocolate Cream Liqueur and Forty Creek Premium Cream Liqueur,forget the two named ones like Johhny Walker,Captain Morgan and Remy Martin. Didn’t I mention their taste for foreign goods is out of this world.  

Gold diggers; they treat any man who shows interest in them as a shopping voucher and a vacation offer. You automatically assume all the roles of an ATM once they find your weakness, they will maneuver their way in and out of your bank account effortlessly. They expect VIP treatment everywhere, front row seats at entertainment shows but not in church or lecture halls.

Blonde Moments; If you ever doubt that we are living in an era of smartphones and stupid people you just have to encounter a slay queen. They believe chips and fresh fries are different delicacies yet the difference between the two is the similarity, Addis Ababa is a country neighbouring Ethiopia and Donald Trump is the President of Syria.

Borrowed accent; speaking with their noses so as to influence word pronunciations. This habit has literally made us functionally illiterate as simple French borrowed English words such as croissant undergo linguistic metamorphosis to sound like Mandarin. They begin sentences with “As in” with sound bites like daah popping up in between their conversations. Otherwise is used as a greeting, when did this happen.

Instagram presence; going by ridiculous names like Sashaholic Bootylicious they suffocate Instagram with photos of inconsequential activities such as brushing their in the morning. They believe Instagram is the greatest invention by man after the smartphone. They treat this data consuming social media application as their Whatsapp. Always taking photos twisting their mouths in a certain manner, only known to them as they curve their legs outwards to give them the false belief that they have well-endowed posterior assets. Their Infinix phones only pick their locations such at Burj Khalifa, Skylux Lounge, Fourth parklands avenue and sea cliff resort & spa. They take multiple photos in a single event, in different poses which will be posted on different dates with different location tags to keep their timelines lively.

Photo courtesy of Naija.com

Beauty Enhancers; Rainfall remains their public enemy number one since they never attended any PE (Physical Education) class thus can’t run so as to scamper for safety during those surprise heavy downpours which will definately wash away their make-up. You might not be able to identify any semblance between their past and present photos courtesy of hip pills and bleaching agents thus you might have the ‘she looks familiar’ question when you come across her.

Telephone conversation; “I need a favour” is their De facto pick up line when they begin all their conversations more so when they want to gauge your finances. My brother when you see such a text switch off your mobile date and uninstall Whatsapp. If it’s a phone text don’t reply and incase it’s a call pull off the “am in a noisy place, I can’t here you, let me call you later”, or else you will be forced to solicit money from close friends to send her.

Affinity to WiFi; as a cutting cost measure, they will always want to reduce their spending on data yet they can’t compromise offline. They can’t afford to miss the latest video to be posted by one of their groupies. Furthermore, they have photo backlogs which are yet to be posted online. No wonder the first thing they ask for is the Wi-Fi password when they are on a date instead of things of national importance such as washrooms and menu.

Toxic Feminist Mentality; they believe that any male member of the society who doesn’t have money is lazy, doesn’t deserve their time and should be sent to Mars to find out if the planet is indeed inhabitable. Their fixation with wealth is out of this world, they gauge you before you share a table with them they have to know where you work, how much you earn, where you live and which machine do you use to change mobility from point X to point Y. They have the ability to answer all this questions by just taking a glimpse of your attire, phone and key holder before putting you in your ‘place’.