SALON MURDER

Bottomline: Cartoons bring children together,football brings men together, corruption brings politicians together, what really brings women together?

Curtains have finally come down, the regular football season is over, she knows it, thus I have no reason to sneak out to spend time with the boys. Football the mother of all 'evils' is often a good excuse of not staying home during the weekend, now that the season is over I have no concrete reason of stepping out unless I create another excuse, another excuse such as being a die hard Formula one and Dubai Grand Prix spectator. An excuse she wouldn't buy anyway.....

For three months I am just going to be around her the whole weekend, don't get me wrong I love her but being around her for two days full time (Saturday and Sunday) is a bit hectic and unbearable considering all the shenanigans that come with it. Unless I want a combination of high blood pressure, ulcers and heart attack; only those in such an arrangement known as marriage can understand my current position.

Weekend with my boys whom she has constantly accused of being bad influences towards my overall character since they aren't married or have serious girlfriends. Her main worry is their womanizing nature; changing girlfriends faster than hairstyles, would I join the club of changing women or have I began the process already she wondered though she never bothered to ask me directly. She always hinted that in case she found out I had mistresses all over like them (my boys) she would leave, never to come back again.

I will only be seeing her on Viusasa. You will have to choose between me and them, she often threatened once in a while when I insist we were going to watch football at a local joint, just football I always promised though I am always dropped home when I am drunk beyond recognition...

You have to be focused since you are now a family man she would picket as I find my way to our marital bed few minutes before darkness paves way for the sun. You just went to watch football she would satirically comment as she clicks closing the main door after I come in. Your food is already on the table just open the hot pot the food is there. How could I eat when I had filled my stomach with roasted meat, nyama choma?

So I always went to sleep slumbering to dreamland as her faint remonstrating vents of how she got married to cook chicken not to cook for chicken. The food will be given to chicken anyway, I wasn't touching it by the way. This had been the cycle during the regular soccer season, now I had no reason to go out with the boys, with what excuse anyway. Weekend zero grazing mode was now 100% activated, I would be around and about the house during all weekends for about three months, until next season.

That wasn't going to be a problem at least I would get time to bond with my five month son whom I haven't had time with since he was brought forth to this Chinese debt ridden country of theirs, or is it ours now. Considering I misused the 14 day paternal leave I was accorded when he was born I thought this would be the perfect time to make up for the 14 days ( 2 days in 12 weeks that's a total of 24 days daddy-baby familiarization tour).

Personally I can't remember how I spent the 14 days, anyway I was going to make it up to him, I just remember lying to her how my employer doesn't take into consideration that 'nonsense' called paternal leave.

What really bothers women? They can't just give you peace even when you are peaceful. On the first full weekend home with no footballing action I opted for the daddy-baby familiarization tour which had already been conceptualized as a way of passing time when referees are on vacation. All of a sudden she pops up from nowhere with her nonsensical shenanigans throwing tantrums of how I have not been there for her as I used to when were dating.

As berserk as she was I opted not to engage in a war of words I wasn't going to win under normal room temperature and pressure. I normally don't listen to her tantrums, if I was the listening type maybe this marriage would have been dead and buried long ago. My attention was elsewhere as she addressed herself thinking she was addressing me, inattentive I was to the extent that I agreed to accompany her to the salon unknowingly.

It's our time to go now, she said as she took the child and handed him to the house help. Our time to go, where I asked myself as I picked the car keys from the table. So here I was accompanying her to the salon. The last time I was made to perform such a maneuver was some 3 years ago, that was when she was a girlfriend before she was promoted to her current position. That time I just dropped her and went to pick her later in the day, today I was to drop her, wait for her to be braided, manicured and pedicured.

This could take some significant time, so I bought a newspaper to read as time tortoised by. I couldn't wait inside the salon so I excused myself as I requested for an extra seat to be placed at the veranda. The seat was brought, though I never expected them to have an extra seat for me to 'idle' on as I read the day's newspaper. I banked on the unavailability of the seats considering how salons are usually filled to capacity over weekends.I couldn't get a valid excuse to go for an unsanctioned tour at a nearby joint. My escape plan was aborted, I had to sit out with my cap at an angle of 130 degrees to hide my face from anyone who might be familiar.

The chilling weather wasn't doing me any favors, I left the house donning shorts which was part of my default weekend starter-pack, dozing off after I had read out the newspaper wasn't an option. So I just sat there wondering what kind of test this daughter of Delilah was putting a descendant of Samson through.

Turning to my phone for solace, I was welcomed with the battery low alert which sent it automatically to power saver mode. I was stranded, I couldn't take my phone inside for charging so I returned it to my pocket. It will be a very long day indeed......

As time turtled by, my attention was drawn by their topic of discussion or is it gossip area.I pretended to doze off so that they won't censor the topic or talk in coded language that will make it very difficult for me to decipher the information. One client brought up the topic on how to deal with a husband who is a serial cheat with multiple clandestine lovers. She claimed to be asking for a friend, but women being women they can't ask for such a 'spiritual guidance' on behalf of a friend. Their selfish nature can't allow them to go to that level for a friend no matter how close they are. She was asking for herself but using her friend as a scapegoat.

She knew details of the clandestine lovers; their names, ages, what they do to eke out a living, how often they are visited by the hubby to where they live. Yet she was asking for a friend somehow. The clientele and saloonists started sharing ideas on how her 'friend' may deal with the situation from individually paying a visit to the MPKs (Mpango Wa Kandos) side dishes accompanied by well dressed fearfully created thugs who have private faces threatening them with 'I will Kill you if you continue sleeping with my husband' to witchcraft all coming with referrals and success stories of clients who did that making their husbands tore the line making their marriages a bed of roses.

Ideas continued to flow on how to take care of the situation some were berserk as they entailed tit for tat antics like acquiring toyboys who will be servicing her as revenge for the randy ways of her husband. I listened on as women (mis)Advised each other as I waited for my wife to chip in her contribution that will bring sanity to the topic that was not savoury. My wishes were granted; cometh the hour, cometh the woMAN.

"I can't be stressed by a person who has 32 teeth, If I were her I would just buy poison which will be used to spice up his food dealing with the nuisance once and for all. After which I will bribe the pathologist who will carry out the autopsy to write on the post-mortem examination that he died of a mild heart attack." Her contribution was brief and out of this world it made me to wake up from my perceived slumber, go inside the salon request that it was our time to leave though she hadn't finished yet.

We drove home without talking to each other, she thought I had embarrassed her by hurriedly asking her to leave the salon though deep down my perception towards her had changed forever from today henceforth I wasn't going to eat food served on my plate when I come home late, I would rather wake my son up so that he can have a bite. I wasn't taking chances.

SONS OF PHARAOH; DATING SUPERMODELS VS MARRYING DRAGONS

Bottomline: You have no apology for marrying an ‘ugly’ wife ; one only wears a shoe that fits his feet not oversize or undersized ones.Furthermore beauty fades with time, you owe no one a beautiful wife.

I have been to weddings, multiple weddings some as an invited guest but mostly as an accompanying guest (accompanying the real invited guest) though sometimes  I attend weddings to break dietary monotony.

When was the last time I talked to a butcher ,the last time I ate meat in a homely setup was when I visited my folks otherwise since I moved out of my parents house the closest I have come to a meaty meal is Sossi, yes Sossi that convenient nutrient rich carefully selected natural soybeans from Promasidor Group. If it looks like meat then its meat….

Who is marrying who is none of my business as long as there are  beautiful view only women in the lineup; the bridesmaids and food yes food I don’t usually have the once in a lifetime opportunity to sample on an ordinary day. The women in the lineup don’t matter much if the food is ‘FOOD’ since they are on a view only format thanks to their revealing marry me next please attires.

Furthermore where will I get their numbers even if I was interested I won’t be there for the evening after party ,however, as for the food there are no two ways about it. What happens at the serving point is between me and the caterer in-charge.

Here I was attending my first wedding as an active participant in the lineup as a groomsman. We all have that one friend whom we will escort to the altar willingly or unwillingly considering his number of night outs with the crew are bound to reduce drastically more so if he is the one who caters for ‘drinks na mayengs’.

I had to come through for my guy though I prefer being in the guest tent as an ordinary guest. Being in the lineup as part of the bridal party restricts your ability to sample what the wedding has to offer culinary-wise as you will be seated at the high-table consuming what has been served whilst complaining to yourself internally though its the best food according to the service provider standards.

What they don’t know is I only eat animal proteins in such settings ‘nyama haipandwi’, meat isn’t planted. Either way I will make private arrangements with the caterer for special treatment upfront.

Thanks to the lineup which is a through pass, I have a clear sight on goal; personally requesting for the digits of any bridesmaid of choice thanks to the unlimited platform and conducive enabling environment spending a lot of time together planning the wedding from selection of songs,vetting service providers,practicing dance moves for those of us with two left legs to which photo shoot ground will blend better with the wedding attire.

Here we were, at least one of my close friends was getting married unlike women who gossip men exchange and compare notes. He had surprised all of us from his pool of beautiful girlfriends he choose the unlikely one, the one who was bottom of the table. One who we have never gone out with,one we had never seen. Just like other guests we saw her properly during the wedding she was 90% absent during the wedding preparation period attending two or is three committee meetings.

We all knew he was on multiple tariffs but he chose a tariff that none of us expected, ours was to support him fully not to question his decision just to accompany him to the alter.  His Wife+His choice= His Life……

Although he later explained to us during his bachelor’s night that one only wears shoes that fit him not oversize or undersize ones in his words ‘mtu huvaa kiatu inamtosha si ile itamfinya au kubwa kuliko mguu yake.’Furthermore beauty fades with time, you owe no one a beautiful wife.

After which we will do the damage control as part of the bro code, explaining to the trail of disappointed girlfriends left behind. How we were also caught unawares by his decision as we were only invited for the wedding as guests in the last minute coincidentally we had bought similar attires somehow. Only to be told by one of his estranged girlfriends how Kenyan men are the 8th wonder of the world; they date supermodels only to marry dragons.

WEEKDAY WEDDING

Bottomline: As a man you are permitted to run out of everything from money to power but never run out of ideas,when you run out of ideas my brother you are about to die always know that, never allow yourself to run out of ideas instead have bad ideas you will be forgiven they are better than having no ideas at all.

The moment you are besieged your 6th sense comes in handy,thoughts of how to maneuver tricky waters on an overloaded boat without capsizing come in fast. Even if it capsizes you are bound to swim to the nearest island,get hold of any floating wreckage or be rescued by a nearby coast guard patrol as long as you make it out alive with minimum scars and scratches. Having promised themselves my hand in marriage on the assumption that I was a community boyfriend and fiance, the fear of my wedding ceremony ending in disarray was very high thus I couldn’t take any chances considering the capabilities of the people who were dating me without me dating them.

My wedding was 100% likely to end in a scuffle at least if I was to be lucky ,however, assuming all factors remaining constant under room temperature and pressure chaos and confusion were likely to walk hand in hand up to the pulpit as I was about to exchange the wedding vows.I was not going to take chances,don’t get me wrong am not the president of baby daddies in this part of the world ,am just well informed that when an African woman decides to seek revenge even the devil takes a stool to sit down and take notes.

No man should take chances yes the humiliation that comes with an aborted wedding can’t be explained neither through words nor emotions maybe through diagrams and illustrations.What will I tell my in-laws? What will I tell my clansmen?, on a second thought I realize I don’t owe these two cohorts of people we know each other any explanation. What will I tell my parents? What did I owe the wedding wreckers for them to come collect during my wedding procession?

Finally there is her, yes the woman of the moment, you all know weddings aren’t for the man in fact all men are forced to take part in this ritual or-else they will know no peace throughout their lives.What explanation will I give her for the melee that brought her lifetime embarrassment considering she had bragged to her clique of friends how she was the first one to be married leaving them in the singleton corner with no hope of getting out anytime soon considering the battalion of jokers who masqueraded as ‘potential’ suitors.

The emotional torture that follows is likely to send her to depression, unlike men who reason out issues women tend to feel.To avoid a potential wedding scuffle that will be noisy,chaotic with many casualties I had to think fast to avert this life threatening calamity.

A considerable amount of resources had been committed towards this once in a lifetime investment there was no way one or two or simply three , OK let me put the figure at around four lets just make it six to avoid any second guesses. Scorned members of the female species who feel I have disappointed them in many ways by not marrying them ruin such a colorful event in front of the clergy,colleagues,relatives and prospective in laws, what will I tell people ‘Nitaambia watu nini’.

In a bid to confuse my enemies, both real and perceived I carefully orchestrated a master plan which was to be rolled out in 3 Killer phases to limiting eyes and ears to the trusted few.At first I wanted to go to the marriage registrar at the Attorney General office with two witnesses, I pick one she picks the other.This plan was dead on arrival she wanted a public display of a wedding that can be featured in a wedding show if necessary, with the help of her mother who wanted to send a strong message to her age-mates that her daughter was the first amongst equals in her generation to have a glamorous church wedding. Not forgetting the clergy who wanted to take part in officiating the wedding, the Attorney General-Marriage Registrar arrangement had given them a blank cheque.

As a man you are permitted to run out of everything from money to power but never run out of ideas,when you run out of ideas my brother you are about to die always know that, never allow yourself to run out of ideas instead have bad ideas you will be forgiven they are better than having no ideas at all.

The first phase of resource mobilization involved very few friends who will be part of the wedding lineup and family members the rest will come from my savings account any deficit thereafter will be sorted out by her,yes she has to contribute something towards her wedding as for me am fine with any arrangement as long as I slipped through the dowry negotiation process with a battered wallet .The wedding she wants, the resources she avails full stop…..

The second phase involved publicity of the wedding, blowing hot and cold depending on who was asking.In some circles it was a rumor which was to be treated as a rumor in others it was a serious wedding to be attended at all costs, that was according to my side or so I thought to avoid information pervasiveness to my enemies, the wedding wreckers so I had to confuse them as much as possible.

On her side she was inviting anyone and everyone in her circle of friends something that was out of my control. I had to work something out, to control the flow of information so as to obtain the desirable result.Yes the printer,the guy we gave the tender, almost forgot meant the job to print the wedding cards and programme. I convinced him to provide the soft copy on the eve of the wedding and the hard copies of the invitation cards a day to the wedding as a ‘surprise’ to the bride. It worked perfectly it curbed the forwarding on Whats-app by the time my enemies got wind of the wedding I was en route to Nassau,Bahamas for the honeymoon.

The final phase was setting up the date, yes the date is very important. To make a public wedding a private invite only ceremony, simply do a weekday wedding on either a Tuesday or Wednesday with specific preference for Terrific Tuesday it never disappoints. Only those who had purposed to attend the wedding will purposely attend those who come to remove mistakes here and there wont make it. This not only confuses your enemies but it also inconveniences them providing no room for launching a surprise counter attack and just like that the wedding is successful. Forget having maximum attendance and gifts as long as people who matter were present,people who matter don’t care and people who care don’t matter. Boom game over the wedding is a success,pop up the champagne any question-no question thank you; next order of business please.

DECEMBER DEMONS

Bottomline : money starts talking and you listen, it gives you suggestions that you know very well are illogical but since it overpowers your thinking thus forcing you to make the dumbest decisions ever..

Money has this itching effect, anyone who tells you money never itches him or her is a pretender, the festive season provides the most suitable environment for the itching effect of money to manifest itself.

This remains to be the only month where you have two salaries; your November salary usually hits the account on the 5th of December latest whereas the December Salary is deposited in the account latest 15th, those employed are we reading from the same script? Yearly bonuses also happen to come at this time, if you are never loaded in December yet you are employed, the person who bewitched you died without lifting off the spell.

In this month, church attendance is at an all-time low, when people have money they forget about God. Either way they will come back in January, after seeing the light when broke. It is the only month when one leaves the house at AM (After Midnight) as early as 8 am and comes back in AM as late as 7 am the following day, after A night out raving. Actually it’s the only month that nights are longer and days are shorter. This is the month when you realize food prepared in the house is very tasteless thus opting for roast meat nyama choma eat outs and those door to door pizza deliveries from selected outlets Debonairs and above

Then the money starts talking and you listen, it gives you suggestions that you know very well are illogical but since it overpowers your thinking thus forcing you to make the dumbest decisions ever. Money will tell you how Jameson from your usual neighborhood joint which is relatively ‘cheaper’ is of a lower quality, has been diluted by, its counterfeit and produced somewhere in Kariobangi North. It will go further to advice you how it might give you liver cirrhosis, kidney failure, diabetes, high blood pressure and leukemia yet you have been drinking there for a whole year. Money will therefore direct you to upgrade to another upmarket joint where the price of Jameson is attached to its ‘big’name that comes with it hence costing you thrice what you are accustomed to, since you are buying both the ‘name’ and the drink.

After using public transport and route 11 (walking) for the whole year, money will advise you on how you need to either buy or hire a car depending on what is available, it will never advice you to use taxi. Most of the time it advises on the latter, car hire. Knowing very well you don’t have a driving license you conspire with crooked members in the System acquiring it within two days, call a driver friend of yours for a two day driving crush programme in a nearby football field probably the neighborhood’s  public school, we all know these private schools have no playgrounds ave for the small bus parks. Within three days you are overtaking people in roundabouts, playing loud music with all windows open as one arm is in the“Greater Than” position. Those asking why traffic jams have been all over the city, you now got your answers. All these come with hidden costs which you will be made aware of in January.

Most of your friends have gone upcountry to join their folks; money tells you how you should also go upcountry to visit yours. How do you even remain behind when the entire neighborhood is away? Unless you want to invite those unpleasant questions of “Kwani hamnaga Ushago”, you don’t have an upcountry home? . Knowing very well the village perception a Nairobian “JoNarobi” as they are referred or other urban dwellers “JoPango” the ground will be hostile if you don’t arrive in a car with serious supporting documents inform of shopping from city supermarkets to account for what you have been doing in the city.

All bills will be yours to foot, relatives will come in handy with all kind of financial problems that need your financial intervention such as how your father’s dog invaded their farm and devoured all their maize and groundnuts thus a poor harvest yet the last time I checked with my class four science teacher dogs were carnivores i.e meat eaters;  the chief will also ambush you with a proposal to marry his daughter as elders converge at your homestead daily offer you development advice on how you can play a crucial role in ensuring the village establishes its first power plant (Posho mill) which will be the village’s lifeline. Heading upcountry in December is a trap; yes a serious trap and January always proves me right just wait and see

DEAR MOTHER IN LAW..............................

Bottomline: Boiling sossi and noodles gives her the false assumption that she is a good cook.

I sincerely hope all is well with you as for me nothing seems to be well but I am fine. Am writing to you from our homestead somewhere in South Mugirango concerning your lovely daughter. You might not have heard about me and you may never hear about me depending on the designated role am playing in your daughter’s life.

Am not even sure if am the one she has talked about during your usual mother daughter pep talk, now that she is in her prime age, 20-23 years where she is the pearl of many men eyes courtesy of her physique.  I might not even feature in her list of preferred potential husband material ‘candidates’ infact I won’t be surprised if she categorizes me amongst her “a thousand ways to die”.

Coming from a clan of renowned dowry negotiators, my mother still holds the record for being the most expensive signing, bride the clan has ever paid dowry for, our clan was left 15 cows poorer. Apart from being a teacher she is the clan’s de facto chief chef across all events from weddings, family get-together to funerals.In the village where your daughter might be married there is no electricity and running water. I hope she knows how to carry water on her head from the stream.

Going by my previous experiences from your daughter’s kitchen ‘prowess’, am happy to inform you that your daughter might not even fetch you a chicken. I might not only be fined heavily for wasting their precious time and energy in a closed door dowry negotiation meeting of a woman who can’t cook ‘Ugali’ maize meal, for ten people in a pot on a three stone cooking fire but also be banished from taking part in clan activities since a man whose wife can’t perform motherly roles is considered single thus can’t speak in front of other men. She is an environmentalist thus she can’t come into contact with charcoal, she doesn’t know how to use a charcoal jiko, she isn’t aware of the existence of a paraffin stove therefore she can’t cook on both.

.

photo courtesy

The first induction these traditionalists whom we share a common village, origin and happen to be older than me will give her is to slaughter and cook chicken for them. This will be an herculean task am aware your daughter can’t manage since she is used to buy those ready-made somersaulting ones in fast food outlets around town or those deep frozen in my neighborhood butchery. Plus she considers it an inhuman act that is primitive in nature.

Your daughter is the SI unit of incompetence when it comes to cooking. She has managed to drag me to her sossi-noodle-pizza dietary axis which has made a minor common cold ground me as if I have contacted tuberculosis. Boiling sossi and noodles gives her the false assumption that she is a good cook. Am yet to find a family that brought up their children on sossi-noodle-pizza dietary.

Promoting local economy at the expense of my wallet seems to be her objective in life, buying ready-made food from chopped vegetables be it  kales or cabbages, grated carrots to boiled beans, green grams and peas. Nevertheless, God has been faithful I haven’t contracted cholera with all the outbreaks have seen on TV.

She tells me you never taught her how to knead flour that makes chapati which has forced me to incur additional costs in buying ready-made ones which have overstayed on those supermarket bakeries. However, lately I have resorted to preparing chapatis for myself since buying those ready-made ones she forces me put in my supermarket trolley limit my consumption abilities, in addition to their substandard nature.

Washing anything isn’t her thing as she says; doing laundry and cleaning dishes will break her well-manicured nails which are always under maintenance every Saturday afternoon in those posh saloons where ‘colouring’ nails takes the whole afternoon. The financial implication of her not being able to do dishes and laundry means I have to either acquire the services of a house help or  a dish washer and a washing machine to me the latter is the only option since I live in a bedsitter, though I still doubt if the two appliances can fit in the limited space.

African cooking stones

There is this universally agreed girl code that there is no mother in-law who is good. If my mother wasn’t that good I wouldn’t be here, she should never try to speak daggers concerning my mother, like Caesar’s wife, my mother is beyond reproach.   

I acknowledge we live in modern times though she has taken modernity to a whole new level. She has replicated her habit of watching wedding show to gate crashing weddings with her clique of friends where they go to benchmark for their future weddings. Didn’t I mention these weddings they gate crash are the invite only ones where one friend in the clique gets the invitation then the rest invite themselves as proxies as they tag along. Anytime she comes from those weddings I never have peace as she highlights on key areas of improvement for her big day in future. From how she prefers her wedding having a seven storeyed cake, being ‘chauffeured’ on a chopper to wearing an Italian made gown designed by Allesandra Rinaudo herself. Her wedding budget is worth my lifetime saving.

Her insistence on not taking up my name after marriage, in any case we end up together is another bone of contention. She insists on maintaining her birth name hope you will inform her of the benefits of taking up your husband’s name just in any case things go south she will be in a position to inherit the few earthly possessions I have here and there.

CAMPUS ROOMATES PART 2 of 3

 
Continued

Bottomline: They will always lament of how people from the village are ‘following’ them at      

                      Campus.

The Gambler; they always aware of all the games that will be going down that day from the Japanese J-League where Gamba Osaka will be taking on Kashima Antlers at 12:15 pm Kenyan time to The  Brasileiro Serie B  where Vasco Da Gama would be away to battle it out with Bragantino, a game that they will follow via Livescore at 3:00 am . Their discussions revolve around betting sites such as Betway, Sportpesa and Betin with sports analysis and prediction applications such as Flashscore and 2+Betting taking the place of Opera Mini on the phone.

The Clean One; ensuring everything is at the right place seem to be their calling. They always clean up your mess ensuring the room is not only clean and orderly. They always go for the upper case, the top bed in a decker since they feel the pinch when someone sits on their beds leaving it messed up. Their colour of choice is usually white or any other bright colour.

Mr I don’t care; they never attend any lectures throughout the semester they are always in or less than 100 metres from the room. They spend most of their time engaging in non-academic activities such as playing computer games and keeping up with the latest movies and series to the extent that you are kept wondering  if they are even enrolled in lectures, since they always seem to be in a holiday camp.

The Traditionalist; this kind of roommate believes that every time misfortunes come their  way,even simple 

headaches it is the work of jealous neighbours back in the village who are unhappy with his successful endeavours at campus being the only one who has made it that high in the academic ladder. They will always lament of how people from the village are ‘following’ them.

Photo Courtesy

The Chef; they always practice what I simply call industrial cooking. The probability that their coil is on flight mode is close to zero, let’s just say zero. They are always cooking everything they can lay their hands on as long as it can be cooked and eaten making your room temperature to be somewhere close to what the Tuaregs experience at the Sahara Desert.

The Aggressive One; they are the proverbial Mr No Fear No Favour you are not allowed to use any of their utensils, even a tea spoon before giving a formal explanation probably using diagrams why you have to. They are always bossy to the extent that they order you around yet you might either be age mates or you are slightly older than them.  They pull a Hammurabi the Lawgiver on you,crafting a list of the do’s and don’ts which usually favour them expecting everyone to follow with minimum or no objection.

To Be Continued…………

SPONSOR-MENTALITY

Bottomline: “A man with money is handsome even if he looks like Mugabe himself” 

Having a sponsor seems to be the latest trend among ladies in institutions of higher learning. In their bid to live lavish lives which normal campus boyfriends from average families can’t sustain, going out with senior citizens who are either having troubled marriages or see them as experimental tools to satisfy their innate desires seems to be the fastest and easiest way to make cash.

Hanging out at high end hotels, shopping malls, recreation parks, road trips, exquisite Safari’s, invite only parties and going for weekend get aways seems to be the order of the day after which they splash the photos in all social media platforms for fellow ladies to envy their ‘positive’ progress in life. Am not a stalker by the way, however, I have noticed a certain sequence among some Facebook ladies who always hang out in hotels with two or more name like Villa Rosa Kempiski, Sun n’ Sand, Pizza Inn or those with initials such as KFC which they don’t have the slightest idea of what it means in full, not the usual pocket friendly fast food outlets their normal ‘financially frustrated good for boyfriends’ can afford. By the way for those who don’t know the meaning of KFC it stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken.

These ladies can’t even greet you, leave alone talking to you if you don’t have a running engine parked somewhere, and if you don’t have a car key you are not worth their attention. A man with money is handsome even if he looks like Mugabe himself, you will hear them saying in hush tones as they share pictures of their sponsors. To them a man who does not own a vehicle is lazy, period. 

Young lady marries an old man.

Materialism is all they think of, no wonder most of them use sponsors as camera men to take their pictures when they are on their weekend vacation, if a sponsor insists on appearing on the photo, he is either cropped or his head cut off. By the way who has ever seen a handsome presentable sponsor?

They overate everything about their weekends more so when they go out of town to either the invite only parties where they take selfies with bottles of Caribbean rum like Captain Morgan, Scottish 100 year old Gleinfidich whisky and expensive wines such as Nebuchadnezzar or the ‘Tembea Kenya’ tours you are 100% sure that their parents don’t have the slightest idea of how a tour road trip should be organized.

To ensure they stand out among their colleagues they always clad in the latest designer fashion from handbags, earrings, bangles, perfumes, dresses and ladies wear. They change their lifestyle completely not knowing that sponsors also get tired of eating the same diet overtime. Attending fashion events, reading fashion magazines and blogs instead of the course outline and handouts becomes the norm.

Hardwork among ladies who don’t indulge is sponsor related activities is not recognized as men have a perception that any lady who takes a photo with the seatbelt on is not the owner of the vehicle thus the saying “never trust a lady who takes a selfie with a seat belt as his profile picture”.