SLAYING SLAY QUEENS; THEIR SIGNS & SYMPTOMS

Bottomline: They consume alcoholic drinks with three names and above like Kerrygold Irish Cream Liqueur, Vermeer Dutch Chocolate Cream Liqueur and Forty Creek Premium Cream Liqueur,forget the two named ones like Johhny Walker,Captain Morgan and Remy Martin.

After tormenting  Nigerian men in particular and West African men in general difficult courtesy of their peculiarity which seems to have been blown eastwards courtesy of media literacy and pervasiveness this new breed of women, averagely educated with urban exposure have made a grand entry in our country with the following characteristics taking centre stage;

Lifestyle; invite one for a date they arrive as a squadron. A squadron has between four to five slay queens each with a specific role. The hottest one playing the Queen since she is the centre of masculine attraction, we also have the Drone who is the lead investigator and researcher per excellence. She is able to tell the financial viability of a man, the next best partying hangout and their next vacation destination.

There is the Undertaker, she is usually the ‘heavily built’ one incharge of general security of the entire squadron always sober, takes care of the rest by ensuring they all reach home after a night out party. Living together in some bedsitter somewhere in a leafy suburb to increase their chances of landing a big catch, paying 35K as rent. They have a Worker who is incharge of ensuring the house is tidy incase a potential catch stops by.

Making grand entrances in church in their high heels and bangles diverting all the pulpit attention to them, usually when the silence of the congregation is shouting probably during the second, gospel reading.

Nairobi diaries is the only program they watch in our local Television stations, they keep wondering why WAGS ( Wives and Girlfriends of Sports athletes) wasn’t listed in Kalasha awards , Huddah Monroe is their role model whereas Akothee is their threat since she promotes ‘financial independence’ amongst their kind.


Starter pack; for one to be admitted to this clique you have to have these as your factory default settings  Shisha pot ;purple lipstick; goldish shades; pink clutch bag, handbags are for those in mothers union; green tattoos  either the breast, neck or arm and Infinix Zero 5 optical zoom for hourly photo sessions. To them wearing a bra is old school since it will hinder the visibility of their cleavages.

Image Courtesy of Photography by Peter K

Force upgrades; The “I don’t do” statement is the most common term that comes out of their mouths anytime they want to object an offer, “by the way I don’t do those Pizza (Pitza to them) in town unless you order me one from Dominos.” I thought Pizza is Pizza whether it’s from Dominos, Debonairs or Deboras. They consume alcoholic drinks with three names and above like Kerrygold Irish Cream Liqueur, Vermeer Dutch Chocolate Cream Liqueur and Forty Creek Premium Cream Liqueur,forget the two named ones like Johhny Walker,Captain Morgan and Remy Martin. Didn’t I mention their taste for foreign goods is out of this world.  

Gold diggers; they treat any man who shows interest in them as a shopping voucher and a vacation offer. You automatically assume all the roles of an ATM once they find your weakness, they will maneuver their way in and out of your bank account effortlessly. They expect VIP treatment everywhere, front row seats at entertainment shows but not in church or lecture halls.

Blonde Moments; If you ever doubt that we are living in an era of smartphones and stupid people you just have to encounter a slay queen. They believe chips and fresh fries are different delicacies yet the difference between the two is the similarity, Addis Ababa is a country neighbouring Ethiopia and Donald Trump is the President of Syria.

Borrowed accent; speaking with their noses so as to influence word pronunciations. This habit has literally made us functionally illiterate as simple French borrowed English words such as croissant undergo linguistic metamorphosis to sound like Mandarin. They begin sentences with “As in” with sound bites like daah popping up in between their conversations. Otherwise is used as a greeting, when did this happen.

Instagram presence; going by ridiculous names like Sashaholic Bootylicious they suffocate Instagram with photos of inconsequential activities such as brushing their in the morning. They believe Instagram is the greatest invention by man after the smartphone. They treat this data consuming social media application as their Whatsapp. Always taking photos twisting their mouths in a certain manner, only known to them as they curve their legs outwards to give them the false belief that they have well-endowed posterior assets. Their Infinix phones only pick their locations such at Burj Khalifa, Skylux Lounge, Fourth parklands avenue and sea cliff resort & spa. They take multiple photos in a single event, in different poses which will be posted on different dates with different location tags to keep their timelines lively.

Photo courtesy of Naija.com

Beauty Enhancers; Rainfall remains their public enemy number one since they never attended any PE (Physical Education) class thus can’t run so as to scamper for safety during those surprise heavy downpours which will definately wash away their make-up. You might not be able to identify any semblance between their past and present photos courtesy of hip pills and bleaching agents thus you might have the ‘she looks familiar’ question when you come across her.

Telephone conversation; “I need a favour” is their De facto pick up line when they begin all their conversations more so when they want to gauge your finances. My brother when you see such a text switch off your mobile date and uninstall Whatsapp. If it’s a phone text don’t reply and incase it’s a call pull off the “am in a noisy place, I can’t here you, let me call you later”, or else you will be forced to solicit money from close friends to send her.

Affinity to WiFi; as a cutting cost measure, they will always want to reduce their spending on data yet they can’t compromise offline. They can’t afford to miss the latest video to be posted by one of their groupies. Furthermore, they have photo backlogs which are yet to be posted online. No wonder the first thing they ask for is the Wi-Fi password when they are on a date instead of things of national importance such as washrooms and menu.

Toxic Feminist Mentality; they believe that any male member of the society who doesn’t have money is lazy, doesn’t deserve their time and should be sent to Mars to find out if the planet is indeed inhabitable. Their fixation with wealth is out of this world, they gauge you before you share a table with them they have to know where you work, how much you earn, where you live and which machine do you use to change mobility from point X to point Y. They have the ability to answer all this questions by just taking a glimpse of your attire, phone and key holder before putting you in your ‘place’.