SLAYING SLAY QUEENS; THEIR SIGNS & SYMPTOMS

Bottomline: They consume alcoholic drinks with three names and above like Kerrygold Irish Cream Liqueur, Vermeer Dutch Chocolate Cream Liqueur and Forty Creek Premium Cream Liqueur,forget the two named ones like Johhny Walker,Captain Morgan and Remy Martin.

After tormenting  Nigerian men in particular and West African men in general difficult courtesy of their peculiarity which seems to have been blown eastwards courtesy of media literacy and pervasiveness this new breed of women, averagely educated with urban exposure have made a grand entry in our country with the following characteristics taking centre stage;

Lifestyle; invite one for a date they arrive as a squadron. A squadron has between four to five slay queens each with a specific role. The hottest one playing the Queen since she is the centre of masculine attraction, we also have the Drone who is the lead investigator and researcher per excellence. She is able to tell the financial viability of a man, the next best partying hangout and their next vacation destination.

There is the Undertaker, she is usually the ‘heavily built’ one incharge of general security of the entire squadron always sober, takes care of the rest by ensuring they all reach home after a night out party. Living together in some bedsitter somewhere in a leafy suburb to increase their chances of landing a big catch, paying 35K as rent. They have a Worker who is incharge of ensuring the house is tidy incase a potential catch stops by.

Making grand entrances in church in their high heels and bangles diverting all the pulpit attention to them, usually when the silence of the congregation is shouting probably during the second, gospel reading.

Nairobi diaries is the only program they watch in our local Television stations, they keep wondering why WAGS ( Wives and Girlfriends of Sports athletes) wasn’t listed in Kalasha awards , Huddah Monroe is their role model whereas Akothee is their threat since she promotes ‘financial independence’ amongst their kind.


Starter pack; for one to be admitted to this clique you have to have these as your factory default settings  Shisha pot ;purple lipstick; goldish shades; pink clutch bag, handbags are for those in mothers union; green tattoos  either the breast, neck or arm and Infinix Zero 5 optical zoom for hourly photo sessions. To them wearing a bra is old school since it will hinder the visibility of their cleavages.

Image Courtesy of Photography by Peter K

Force upgrades; The “I don’t do” statement is the most common term that comes out of their mouths anytime they want to object an offer, “by the way I don’t do those Pizza (Pitza to them) in town unless you order me one from Dominos.” I thought Pizza is Pizza whether it’s from Dominos, Debonairs or Deboras. They consume alcoholic drinks with three names and above like Kerrygold Irish Cream Liqueur, Vermeer Dutch Chocolate Cream Liqueur and Forty Creek Premium Cream Liqueur,forget the two named ones like Johhny Walker,Captain Morgan and Remy Martin. Didn’t I mention their taste for foreign goods is out of this world.  

Gold diggers; they treat any man who shows interest in them as a shopping voucher and a vacation offer. You automatically assume all the roles of an ATM once they find your weakness, they will maneuver their way in and out of your bank account effortlessly. They expect VIP treatment everywhere, front row seats at entertainment shows but not in church or lecture halls.

Blonde Moments; If you ever doubt that we are living in an era of smartphones and stupid people you just have to encounter a slay queen. They believe chips and fresh fries are different delicacies yet the difference between the two is the similarity, Addis Ababa is a country neighbouring Ethiopia and Donald Trump is the President of Syria.

Borrowed accent; speaking with their noses so as to influence word pronunciations. This habit has literally made us functionally illiterate as simple French borrowed English words such as croissant undergo linguistic metamorphosis to sound like Mandarin. They begin sentences with “As in” with sound bites like daah popping up in between their conversations. Otherwise is used as a greeting, when did this happen.

Instagram presence; going by ridiculous names like Sashaholic Bootylicious they suffocate Instagram with photos of inconsequential activities such as brushing their in the morning. They believe Instagram is the greatest invention by man after the smartphone. They treat this data consuming social media application as their Whatsapp. Always taking photos twisting their mouths in a certain manner, only known to them as they curve their legs outwards to give them the false belief that they have well-endowed posterior assets. Their Infinix phones only pick their locations such at Burj Khalifa, Skylux Lounge, Fourth parklands avenue and sea cliff resort & spa. They take multiple photos in a single event, in different poses which will be posted on different dates with different location tags to keep their timelines lively.

Photo courtesy of Naija.com

Beauty Enhancers; Rainfall remains their public enemy number one since they never attended any PE (Physical Education) class thus can’t run so as to scamper for safety during those surprise heavy downpours which will definately wash away their make-up. You might not be able to identify any semblance between their past and present photos courtesy of hip pills and bleaching agents thus you might have the ‘she looks familiar’ question when you come across her.

Telephone conversation; “I need a favour” is their De facto pick up line when they begin all their conversations more so when they want to gauge your finances. My brother when you see such a text switch off your mobile date and uninstall Whatsapp. If it’s a phone text don’t reply and incase it’s a call pull off the “am in a noisy place, I can’t here you, let me call you later”, or else you will be forced to solicit money from close friends to send her.

Affinity to WiFi; as a cutting cost measure, they will always want to reduce their spending on data yet they can’t compromise offline. They can’t afford to miss the latest video to be posted by one of their groupies. Furthermore, they have photo backlogs which are yet to be posted online. No wonder the first thing they ask for is the Wi-Fi password when they are on a date instead of things of national importance such as washrooms and menu.

Toxic Feminist Mentality; they believe that any male member of the society who doesn’t have money is lazy, doesn’t deserve their time and should be sent to Mars to find out if the planet is indeed inhabitable. Their fixation with wealth is out of this world, they gauge you before you share a table with them they have to know where you work, how much you earn, where you live and which machine do you use to change mobility from point X to point Y. They have the ability to answer all this questions by just taking a glimpse of your attire, phone and key holder before putting you in your ‘place’.  

CHRISTIANS OR CHURCH-GOERS.

              

Bottomline: Nowadays it’s very difficult to differentiate between Christians and church goers, church goers seem to have taken over thus the rise of Sunday Christians.

Sometime back a friend told me he had taken a sabbatical leave from Christianity since he was disappointed with Christians in general. When I enquired further why he took such a drastic measure on religion, critical matter considering he is a Christian by birth and upbringing. His answer was straight and bold, “Have you not seen the kinds of social injustices and immorality which are being perpetuated by the so called Christians from rampant runaway corruption to open looting of public taxes.” His sentiments made me to do a self-evaluation on Christians and church goers. Christianity has been on a steady decline recently making it difficult to differentiate between Christians and Church goers.We have 'Christians' who can comfortably sing Timmy T Dat- Inaweza Haiwezi song word by word but cant sing a praise and worship song even with the aid of a hymn book.

Patiently sitting on the “Hallelujah” bench, the front row bench in the church which is specifically designated mainly for politicians and other influential members of the society.  Patiently waiting for two or so hours of weekly Christianity to come to an end so that they can embark on their normal life unperturbed. The sermon seems to be wasting their time, constantly checking their phones to check if there are incoming texts messages from friends alerting them of a drinking spree which is already going down and they are missing out.  

When texts messages seem not to be coming through, switching on mobile data to check on current gossip going on in Kilimani Mums Facebook group which is the headquarters of gossip North of Limpopo and South of Sahara and those secretive member only Whatsapp and Telegram groups where ungodly matters are the major topics of discussion. All this is happening when the preacher is busy trying to win their souls for the Messiah which seem to be the least of their concerns.

Dressed in unusual long dresses, carrying all the dust along the way as opposed to the revealing type of attire they are accustomed to the whole week in an attempt to look decent in the house of the Lord. When you stumble upon them an hour after the church service you might think you have confused them for someone else. Those attires are specifically for going to church after which they are kept at the furthest corner of the wardrobe where they would be pulled out the following Sunday or another Sunday when they would feel like they have to go to church.

Christians at a church service,photo courtesy.

Struggling to fight Friday and Saturday hangovers; trying to remain awake after a two day drinking spree. The alcohol content in their system seem to be getting the better of them as they struggle to steady their heads and keep their eyes open throughout the better part service, only to wake up when they offertory hymn is being sang a clear indication that the service is about to come to an end. Despite sleeping for the better part of the sermon, they will wake up, find their way to the pulpit and receive the Holy Communion.  

Adopting a Holier than thou attitude during the service as they struggle to sing hymns which they haven’t done for a long time, even with the help of hymn books they find it difficult to catch up thus ending up escorting others as they survive amongst the congregation. Their humility is shouting as this is the only day, sorry time when the mightiest become humble only for this to change immediately they go past the church doors, they embark to their default settings, their normal personality for the whole week till the next church service. Speaking in tongues seems to be the specialty when praying something that should only be done when one has been filled by the Holy Spirit.

Difficulty in opening the bible verse even with the digital revolution where smartphones come with Bibles apps which are installed during the church service only to be deleted immediately after the service to create space for more ‘useful’ mobile apps. These clique of church goers can’t comfortable open the book of Habakkuk or Haggai, they don’t know the shortest Bible verse is John 11:35 “Jesus wept” and they can’t memorize the most popular memory verse John 3:16 “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life”. Their memorable miracle remains when Jesus changed water into wine in the wedding at Cana. When you ask them what they have learnt at the sermon immediately after the sermon you won’t be surprised when they tell you they can’t remember a clear indication that they just went to the service to make a technical appearance nothing more. If you are a Christian or you claim to be one, ask yourself has your life as a Christian moved anyone? or does God only exist when we are in a fix, when all is well no one cares.......

MISTAKES GRADUATES MAKE;REALITY AND EXPECTATIONS.

       

Bottomline: Dear graduate avoid the city like your mother in law, the city is a jungle.

Graduating seems to be a big deal to many students, keeping in mind not everyone who gets admitted to the university accomplishes this fete. The undergraduate degree one acquires can either make you a better or it can frustrate you out here considering we live in a country where it takes an average graduate, with no tall relatives 3-4 years to get a stable job which might not be his or her preferred choice. Graduates often become frustrated since they aren’t able to bridge the perception gap between reality and expectations which makes them to make the following blunders:

Going to the city; Dear graduate do not attempt to come to the city without any plan, the city is a cruel place to be when you are unemployed, you don’t have any relative and you don’t have money. If by any chance you must come to the city and you don’t have a relative, look for 3 former colleagues rent a bedsitter close to the CBD where you won’t be struggling with fare as you go hustling out and about. If you don’t have a concrete plan in the city, avoid it like your mother in law, the city is a jungle. Staying in the village for too long also may limit your opportunities and open-mindedness. Only graduates who are teachers, social workers and community developers should stay for long in villages, their demand is very high there. 

Respect your less ‘literate’ supervisor; when I was in campus, Dr. Andrew Lang‘at gave me a book by Robert T. Kiyosaki “Why ‘A’ Students work for ‘C’ Students and ‘B’ Students work for the government.” From this book I managed to extract my own version of this book in relation to the Kenyan context “Why ‘A’ Students are in the private sector ‘B’ students work for the government ‘C’ students are in the Jua Kali Sector ‘D’ Students are the government and ‘E’ Students are government suppliers and tenderprenuers.”  When you land a job you are likely to work under a boss who can’t write a memo, report or letter. However, with all his or her brief education he or she remains your boss, you do the donkey work yet he takes away the lions share in terms of credit, salary and allowances. My friends respect that person he or she remains your boss despite the brief education. Raising your ‘head’ can lead to your dismissal just be polite as you earn a living.

Dropping job applications everywhere; moving from one organization or company to another like a mad man dropping copies of your curriculum vitae and academic certificates even when the company or organization hasn’t advertised for any vacancy. Printing outside here is very expensive unlike in campus. The worst thing about dropping your curriculum vitae and academic certificates is that they end up being shredded without even being opened; in short your application is dead on arrival.  If they are opened at the HR department they are used in training staff on how to write cover letters, resumes and CV. In short you are supplying the HR department with personnel training material for free.

Setting the Minimum Salary bar: How much do you expect as your salary? This is the first question you are asked in all job interviews. Outside here there are many graduates who came before you and there are many graduates who will come after you. Kenya is a capitalist state where employers pay you what they deem enough for you to survive not what is enough for you to live. So you should stop dreaming that you will get a starting salary of Ksh 50,000 if you are not a doctor. By the way employers don’t employ the best; they employ the person who can do the work at the lowest cost possible. Furthermore, they have a large pool of unemployed graduates to choose from. My friend when did you become a commissioner at the Salaries and Remuneration Commission to determine how much you should be paid for your work?

Following former colleagues online; Being online across all social media platforms 24/7 will only make you more frustrated. It’s only in social media where everyone is living a larger than life lifestyle, everyone is employed and doing well in life. Only login Facebook and Instagram when necessary, instead you should focus on LinkedIn where you may stumble across job opportunities and you email account where you might be lucky to have received an interview request from those random jobs you applied via those links sent on Whatsapp or LinkedIn. Stay on Twitter to get news updates and know what’s trending around you it might help during a job interview when you are asked about that question that doesn’t concern the job you applied but it’s an emerging current affairs topic. Employers nowadays prefer employees who are well informed in current affairs not the book type only employees.

Volunteering expecting employment; when you offer yourself as a volunteer in any organization kindly do so to gain experience and not expecting employment, if by any chance a vacancy comes up and you are employed well and good. I have seen former colleagues who have volunteered for more than 9 months awaiting employment only for them to be frustrated as the organization employs newbies who come out of nowhere when vacancies come up.  

Fitting in; don’t struggle to fit in when you can stand out. Live your life according to your bank statement don’t overstretch your wallet. Don’t start taking coffee at Java, Lunch at KFC (Kentucky Fried Chicken), dinner at Dominos and drinks at Sankara. My friend I also see these outlets on billboards and TV adverts, and hear their stories from friends of my friends.  

Having Safaricom as your only line; it might be the reliable option when you were using your parent or guardian’s money to buy airtime. However, when it comes to your own cash Airtel has the affordable call and mobile money rates and Telkom has the affordable mobile data. Outside here you forget reliability and convenience focus on affordability, when you will get enough cash you will focus on reliability and convenience. Have 3 lines Airtel for calls and Sending money, Telkom for Mobile Data Bundles and Safaricom for receiving money. If you can’t have the 3 just have the Airtel line alone it will serve you best.

Comparing self with former female colleagues; most ladies land jobs faster compared to their male colleagues after completing university, take a sample of your former colleagues you will realize that most of your male colleagues are doing everything in general and nothing in particular. We all have those female colleagues who were flower girls back in campus, those who used to copy paste your assignments word by word, full stop by full stop and comma by comma. They were never in campus when you were struggling with assignments instead they were on weekend getaways littering social media with photos of Johnie Walker black label and Famous Goose amongst other expensive liquor brands. They are employed, you are not. They make you to ‘see your life’ by inviting you for lunch at high end city restaurants where the cost of a plate is enough to push you through a whole week lunch at your usual dugout and still have pocket change you can use as a day’s fare. My friend don’t compare yourself with them just remind yourself that God’s time is the best.

IN THE MIND OF A GAMBLER

Bottomline: Gambling might be the easiest way to make easy money but is also the easiest way into financial crisis

Gambling seems to be the major economic activity for both the unemployed and employed population. Waking up at 4.am in the morning to confirm if my midnight South America and Oceania league bets have gone through ‘Zimeingia Ndani’ or I have been washed ‘Nimekojoa’ has been my routine for the last like let’s say nine months in my attempt to be the country’s next millionaire.

Monitoring betting sites such as sporticos.com, tipster.com and joining Facebook and WhatsApp gambling groups to see how both experts and those who think they are experts are analyzing matches after which I proceed to my favorite sports betting platform where I place bet. Overtime due to experience have been able to know teams with funny names in various leagues such as Anorthosis Famagusta, Al Shabab (Not the terrorist organization we all know), Agrotikos Asteras,Terek Gronzy,FC Rostov,Gamba Osaka, Anagennisi Kardistsas among others. Kashima Antlers and Sanfrencee Hiroshima are my most reliable teams by the way.

Watching a game which have placed a bet for 90 minutes has been my greatest nightmare, anxiety is at an all-time high more so if the team you placed a bet on is having a bad day both on and off the pitch, every decision the referee makes seems to be unfair. You keep your legs crossed as you hope the match can turn around in your favour. All the teams I place a bet for either concede an equalizing goal in the stoppage minutes or lose the game in the final stoppage time minutes. As a fall back plan I decided to stop watching live games have placed bets instead I opt to follow such games on livescore.com.

Screenshots of bets

Ever since gambling was ‘devolved’ from casinos’ which were not only out of reach but also out of bound for the ‘financially challenged’ persons to the free for all to try online sports betting by various platforms the betting frenzy seems to have taken the country by storm. Everyone seems to be betting from Matatu touts to housewives who were only good at watching those Nigerian daytime movies.

Fan loyalty is dead as dodo money love is given first priority. Last season the number of fights between Arsenal and Manchester United fans were at an all-time low, they never killed each other as usual, in fact they placed bets against their teams due to their resentment towards managers Arsene Wenger and Mourinho.

I still blame that lady who didn’t even know how an Arsenal jersey looks like, their coach, the formation they deploy during games and a single player yet she won twenty two million, yes a whopping Ksh 22,000,000.What can I do with 22 million? I started asking myself, I can buy a brand new land cruiser V8 at 10 million, a mansion in one of the upcoming leafy suburbs at 6 million then I invest the rest in real estate business. That is how I started investing in multiple sports prediction in the name of betting more so Jackpot.

If a lady who has never set foot in soccer cinema and doesn’t even know the existence of Supersport 3, 5 and 9 channels is able to win such an amount what of I who has never missed a single match throughout the season. In addition to that I can confidently name 23 players of the 20 Barclays Premier league clubs,their coaches,team doctors and possible formations.

ARE CITY WOMEN BECOMING A 'DORMINANT' SPECIES.

Bottomline: “The vehicles young women are driving in this City can make one turn to a bank robber, drug dealer or gun for hire in a bid to match their larger than life lifestyle. This clique of women can make you as a man think what you have done wrong to the Almighty that you doors have remained closed”

Before my relocation to Mombasa from Nairobi courtesy of the HR department, I had seen ‘women empowerment’ at its best. There is this clique of urban ladies aged between 22-25, single and not searching, college educated, residing in leafy suburbs which have resident associations such as Kilimani, mostly unemployed; those employed take home less than Ksh 50,000 monthly as gross salary yet they move around town ‘spinning’  state of the art German automobiles. By  the way who invented these automatic automobiles,when all vehicles were manual the number of women who drove on our roads were negligible.  Their male counterparts in this age bracket are surviving in dingy one bedroom apartments on the Eastern part of the city which face an acute shortage of everything from water to electricity only cockroaches are in plenty. Hoods such as Umoja,Kayole,Kariobangi,Pipeline (which is known to be the home to “Skyscrapper’ residentials) amongst a host of other hoods which can’t be mentioned in front of people, you all know the tricky hoods on the Eastern side of our capital city .Those who are trying to ‘live’ opt for those 20K per month bed sitters along Ngong road.

Though this move came as a relief to me for many reasons they seem to have sent their proxies to intimidate me down here at the coast. This clique of women can make you as a man think what you have done wrong to the Almighty that you doors have remained closed and theirs opened. Questions like which church do they go to so that I may also jump ship?  Where do they bank their Cash? Who offers them loans without collateral for their so called projects? cross your mind when you come across them. They pass you on board those public service vehicles which have squeezed seats with bed bugs with their driver’s window wide open for you to ‘see your life’, how young they are yet they have ‘accomplished’ their goals in life.

Carrying the latest communication device which might have been released a week or so ago, you all know those communication devices that before being released to the market the company calls for a presser to officially release it. I mean the iphone 7’s and group.Those pnones that you can use as security for Toyota V8.  If you have never seen your phone being advertised yet you bought it after bargaining your all at those River Road outlets, you know what I mean. They dress in the latest Italian designer attires, use French colognes and apply makeup from Dubai; they only have taste for foreign goods. They shop for groceries at malls, in a worst case scenario will you find them shopping in supermarkets and other chain stores. They can’t shop for groceries at the dirty degraded city markets even in their worst nightmares; they don’t know the existence of Gikomba and Marikiti.

The hang out in popular city joints which are frequented by potential sponsors who bankroll their lavish lifestyles comprising government contractors, tenderpreneuers,  county government nouveau riche and those  Nigerian Business who do everything in general but nothing in particular. Mathematics is not my mother in law but the little arithmetic knowledge I have tells me the lifestyle these ladies lead vis a vis their earnings, something isn't adding up definitely. By the way I haven’t talked of those using their children as insurance to milk outrageous monthly upkeep courtesy of the multiple baby daddies to bankroll their lifestyles after lengthy tug of wars at Kilimani Law courts.