DIVORCE

Bottomline: When these people (women) decide to make your life a living hell even the devil sits down to take notes on areas he should improve on. 

The queue seemingly long, longer than usual considering its on a weekday. There is this barbershop I occasionally visit when am in need of a haircut,no wait when I want to take my ‘head out’ for a treat away from the usual local barber stall.

We all know these modern executive barbershops that have sprouted in estates where a haircut cost somewhere between Ksh 300 -Ksh 500,in some cases they might cost even a thousand. They have a receptionist; fully operational waiting bay with satellite television sets (They are usually two ) that can take you straight to European stadiums be it Old Trafford,Santiago Bernabéu,Estádio do Dragão, Signal Iduna Park or San Siro,multiple wall fitted shaving mirrors, assorted antiseptics,towels,barber sink in shampoo bowls,backwash unit, men fashion and trendy hair treatment magazines. They have a team of beautiful coiffeuses who provide exemplary after shave services; head and neck massage in particular,no wonder the traffic.My local open air barber ‘palace’ has two coiffeurs, 2014 Chelsea FC wallpaper, a portable mirror,non stop reggae mixes, free People Daily newspaper,photocopy of Sportpesa midweek and mega jackpot analysis whereas spirit is used as the after shave antiseptic.

Taking my position on the queue, in the waiting bay as I waited for my chance to receive the executive shave to come watching weekend soccer highlights. It was a FA cup packed weekend where most premier league sides dominated minor league sides.

The easiest way to start a conversation with any man is either by discussing football,politics or women.In this case the icebreaker was football. I am in no position to clearly recall how I joined the conversation how Tottenham will dismantle Chelsea in the EFL cup, anyway I joined the debate arguing with elders most of whom were in favor of Chelsea whitewashing Spurs in the duel. Football unites men of all ages, they argued how Hazard was on fire and Maurizio Sarri couldn’t stomach the shame of not having any silverware to justify his massive spending more so the overrated Jorginho.

Since I was not in a mood to receive curses from elders I weighed in the debate with pregnant points how Chelsea will fall to Mauricio Pochettino though his side will be put to sword by a rejuvenated Manchester United side due to compounded fatigue from the midweek clash.

Elders were in no mood to buy my argument they branded me a United sympathizer as the soccer talk progressed, most of them happened to be Arsenal supporters. Their is this age of men in their late 40’s and early 50’s who are die-hard arsenal supporters who developed fanatical following during the glory days of the London based club not the current jokers led by the trio of Shkodran Mustafi -Mohamed Elneny-Laurent Koscielny who are deeply entrenched within the ranks in the name of players with Unai Emery, Arsene Wenger’s impostor as their manager.

An elder we were debating with stepped out to pick a call; the telephone conversation didn’t last long, it was one of those conversations nobody tolerates for long. Soon he was back to our soccer talk with a troubled face and fake smile.

Following the proceedings quietly not contributing actively as he did before he stepped out to pick the call, frowning in between our arguments with cheeky laughs here and there as we argued everything football from Oliech’s return to Gor Mahia his grass to grace now back to grass story, Arnold Origi Norwegian passport cock-up that bars him from ever playing for the national side Harambee Stars now that we have qualified for African Cup of Nations (AFCON) where we truly needed his masterclass goal keeping antics for us to have any glimmer of hope of advancing past the group stages to Michael Olunga transfer ‘blunder’ how do you leave a club in Europe for China in the name of greener pastures ; you know Chinese things don’t last the same way he never lasted in China now he is playing for some KA-team in Japan( I reminded them that KA-team is known as Kashima Reysol).

Four members of our discussion group went in one after the other for the haircut leaving the two of us. This is where inquisitiveness comes into play, having already established a rapport I carefully and calculatively inquired why he had switched off from the conversation yet he seemed knowledgeable on matters football before becoming inactive after he went out to receive the call. Without raising any suspicions that I was too concerned about the goings in his life, of which I was as a fellow man, though it wasn’t that serious.I had to choose my words carefully and carefully I did ,so he opened up…….

My son let me tell you something,these beautiful women you young guys chase chasearound here up and down left and right are only angels sent from heaven by Angel Gabriel himself before you marry them. Once you marry them, begin sharing the same roof,sleeping on the same bed and sharing the same bathroom you will know bean leaves are vegetables. When these people (women) decide to make your life a living hell even the devil sits down to take notes on areas he should improve on.

That was my lawyer calling, my wife sorry ex-wife has increased her alimony from the previous Ksh 200,000 per month (approximately 2000 USD) settlement we mutually agreed on in an out of court settlement two days ago so that we can close this chapter once and for all. Imagine she now wants Ksh 500,000 per month just to take care of one child, surely this is not fair.

The divorce case has been ongoing for four years now we have been separated all this while. She has been taking me in circles thanks to a battalion of female lawyers (most of whom have never even been married) with that organization of theirs, my mother in law and her friends.

She has restraining orders that have kept me away from my son all this while as she plays hide and seek changing schools every time I get wind of where my son is currently attending to academic commitments. She sent my son away to live with her relatives claiming that the divorce case will have adverse psychological effects on him. Imagine paying upkeep for a child you can’t see or even spend personal time with, my absence in his life is calculated so that it can be weaponized towards me; branding me an irresponsible parent thus turning him against me denying me any parental claim to the child.

I even left for them (her and my son) my five bedroom matrimonial home, a mansionatte on an 1/2 an acre in a leafy suburb as a goodwill gesture to maintain their lifestyle only for her to move out and rent it to another person. Have you ever gone to your house only to find its under ‘new management’ without your consent making you a visitor. I decided to play dumb, asking the tenant how much he was paying for renting such a property. Two hundred thousand was his response.This was his third month there so my ex wife had already pocketed Ksh 600,000. I am yet to ask her about this arrangement she made without my consent. If I pay her Ksh 500,000 plus Ksh 200,000 she gets from renting my house this woman will be a millionaire without a sweat just by virtue having my child.

This is my second divorce within a span of 10 years, the first divorce was messy,chaotic with multiple casualties. I lost prime properties I jointly owned with my first wife alongside properties I had registered under her name thanks to blindness caused by love. She knew everything I owned thus she managed to wash me clean before relocating with my four children to the United Kingdom leaving me with crumbs. I got my act together moving on from the separation went back to the drawing board to build an empire from scratch in solitude.

The only advantage I have over her right now is that she doesn’t know my actual net worth apart from a few rental properties here and there that’s why she has increased her alimony though am still trying to wrap my head around her reason to milk me dry.This form of blackmail makes men who find themselves in such stalemates outsource the services of professional hit men to take care of the problem once and for all. She should just thank The Lord am not that type, right now she would be conversing with her creator.

Personally have gotten women out of my system save and except for those we have blood relations; my mothers,sisters,cousins Et al. I would rather engage the services of call girls anytime I need to satisfy an urge than getting myself into another marriage quagmire. In a bid to lift his spirits I encourage him to adopt Donald Trump’s prenuptial approach to marriage, he shrugs off as we went in for the shave.

My son to make the long story short before you make that stupid decision of getting into that arrangement called marriage learn to trust in installments, reason with your heart and love with your head. Always Remember where the devil can’t reach she sends a woman, I hope you know the story of Adam and Eve in the Bible……

Almost forgot he footed the bill.

This article was first published by Campuserian https://www.campuserian.com/divorce/