MY FEMALE FRIENDS

The schemer; there is always that one  female friend has an IQ of 140; a master conspirator and seasoned plotter who has a mastery in deploying devious plans that arm twist you to do things according to her way. She is in charge of giving you pieces of advice which end up been beneficial to her as she conspires way ahead on what is in for her and her alone.

I need a favor; she only calls when she needs something from you.Always starting on the defensive by calling you sweet names not limited to boss,chief, chairman,my dearest,sweety in a bid to box you before extracting a favor from you. With non consequential excuses ranging from I lost my phone which had your number to my phone had issues that made me to deactivate and delete everything to create space thus I was not able to contact you earlier before their favorite punchline ‘I need a favor’ statement pops up in the conversation;before you realize she has assigned you a herculean favor that couldn’t be undertaken by the boyfriend,father and sponsor emeritus combined. Not wanting to be regarded as a member of the male species you wear your gentleman mask, undertake the favor after which she disappears without notice or a simple thank you gesture only to resurrect in your inbox or call log after close to six months of giving you a technical black out with another ‘I need a favor’ nonsense.

Madam Calendar;Its Friday, its my birthday, you were to take me out on Saturday, you were to buy me pizza, am to get a new phone next month, we were to go for a road trip, its swimming Wednesday amongst her garbage of shenanigans. All her plans revolve around your wallet and the calendar. You are her shopping voucher and recreation offer thus you are only important when something is about to come up on her clandestine calenderial plans. They are the greatest threat towards upward financial mobility of the boy-child.

Moralist; she has the holier than thou attitude with her usual ‘who does that’ sentence popping up in between conversations. She plays judge,jury,prosecutor,plaintiff and eye witness every time you have a discussion about your personal life stories. She always plays victim at all times even when she is the real villain, her judgmental nature has made her remain single past 30 as she can’t do men who earn less than 50K a month, have not accepted Christ as their personal saviour, don’t drive a Subaru, live at the eastern side of the city, who drink Legend or Kibao alongside other shenanigans on her can’t do list.

Where are you; they always begin their sentences over the phone by ‘ where are you’,Uko wapi shenanigan.They always call you when you are about to act as a spoiler in chief ;personal bodyguard,driver, big brother or small cousin role in a bid to spoil the party for a fellow boy child they don’t personally like but they like what his money has to offer. Twende tukunywe pesa ya huyu mjinga, lets go drink this fools money or nyangau as they often refer to this clique of serious looking men who have deep pockets but kick polio out of Kenya physical appearance; a man is never ugly its either he is handsome,serious or otherwise. With a disclaimer of aki usiniache na yeye, don’t leave me alone with him always popping up in the conversation on your way to the boy child’s prefered destination.

Lifeist; she drinks life from the jar enjoying what life has to offer sharing pictures of her new car, vacation getaway, latest catch, shopping and cinema experience. They live their lives mostly on social media where they splash photos about the lavish lifestyles for all to see.

Begging bowl; be very very careful when someone starts praising you at the beginning of  a conversation. They have that sweet tongue that sings those 30 second praises before turning back to the main agenda of send me credit,buy me lunch,sort me out I will refund within a week, my ATM/Mpesa has issues bail me out or am in a fix and you are the only one who I can turn to.