SPONSOR-MENTALITY

Bottomline: “A man with money is handsome even if he looks like Mugabe himself” 

Having a sponsor seems to be the latest trend among ladies in institutions of higher learning. In their bid to live lavish lives which normal campus boyfriends from average families can’t sustain, going out with senior citizens who are either having troubled marriages or see them as experimental tools to satisfy their innate desires seems to be the fastest and easiest way to make cash.

Hanging out at high end hotels, shopping malls, recreation parks, road trips, exquisite Safari’s, invite only parties and going for weekend get aways seems to be the order of the day after which they splash the photos in all social media platforms for fellow ladies to envy their ‘positive’ progress in life. Am not a stalker by the way, however, I have noticed a certain sequence among some Facebook ladies who always hang out in hotels with two or more name like Villa Rosa Kempiski, Sun n’ Sand, Pizza Inn or those with initials such as KFC which they don’t have the slightest idea of what it means in full, not the usual pocket friendly fast food outlets their normal ‘financially frustrated good for boyfriends’ can afford. By the way for those who don’t know the meaning of KFC it stands for Kentucky Fried Chicken.

These ladies can’t even greet you, leave alone talking to you if you don’t have a running engine parked somewhere, and if you don’t have a car key you are not worth their attention. A man with money is handsome even if he looks like Mugabe himself, you will hear them saying in hush tones as they share pictures of their sponsors. To them a man who does not own a vehicle is lazy, period. 

Young lady marries an old man.

Materialism is all they think of, no wonder most of them use sponsors as camera men to take their pictures when they are on their weekend vacation, if a sponsor insists on appearing on the photo, he is either cropped or his head cut off. By the way who has ever seen a handsome presentable sponsor?

They overate everything about their weekends more so when they go out of town to either the invite only parties where they take selfies with bottles of Caribbean rum like Captain Morgan, Scottish 100 year old Gleinfidich whisky and expensive wines such as Nebuchadnezzar or the ‘Tembea Kenya’ tours you are 100% sure that their parents don’t have the slightest idea of how a tour road trip should be organized.

To ensure they stand out among their colleagues they always clad in the latest designer fashion from handbags, earrings, bangles, perfumes, dresses and ladies wear. They change their lifestyle completely not knowing that sponsors also get tired of eating the same diet overtime. Attending fashion events, reading fashion magazines and blogs instead of the course outline and handouts becomes the norm.

Hardwork among ladies who don’t indulge is sponsor related activities is not recognized as men have a perception that any lady who takes a photo with the seatbelt on is not the owner of the vehicle thus the saying “never trust a lady who takes a selfie with a seat belt as his profile picture”.

CAMPUS ROOMATES PART 1 of 2

Bottomline:  they came to the university to read, unlike majority who read so as to make it past the cut off mark and join varsity

In campus you are bound to come across many students from different socio-cultural backgrounds, through your four year period you are bound to have different roommates with different likes and dislikes unless you become a 'landlord' at stage where you decide to live in solitude. Up to now in my third year of study have stayed with different 'roomies';

The Villagers; this must be the favorite roommate you have to thank Mr.Masibo,the ICT hostel management guy for. They come from the interior parts of the republic with stories you always love to listen to. They are the usually genius students who happen to make it alone from their former high school to the university, lone rangers. These are the students the whole village looks up on as his or her success is considered the success of the whole village. They are always amazed by everything from portable televisions (laptops), flowing water from the tap, ability to light a room using the electrical switch, flash toilets, machines that 'pour' money ATM machines blaah blaah. Furthermore they came to witness buildings which are built on top of buildings, storey buildings in the university this explains why they fear going up high buildings.

The Drunkards; depending on your religious inclination you are bound to love them or to hate them. These are people who cannot sleep with any alcoholic drink in the same room, its either one sleeps inside the other. They are defacto members of stage based 'munir de barreaux' and shareholders of all beer, wines and spirits companies. They believe alcohol was made for them to drink and only them. When they are drunk they would usually shout along the academic highway tracking to their halls of residence 'If Jesus turned water into wine who am I not to drink,' a clear indication that they were magnificent during their Sunday school days .They place the bottles of all the alcoholic drinks they ever drunketh on windows of their hostel rooms to show their experience in that field. They are usually on financial comatose but never fail to have money for alcoholic activities.

The Scholars; These are students who came to the university to read, unlike majority who read so as to make it past the cut off mark and join varsity. Their life revolves around lecture halls and library they spend minimum and necessary contact with their rooms.They Know very well what brought them to the university. They are usually on an academic mode as they maneuver their way along the academic highway walking in an academic angle. They always have books everywhere they monologue walking. Getting 27 out of 30 in a CAT is an unforgivable academic sin punished by trans-nighting.

Fashionistas; the dress my choice click of roommates that are definitely going to start your day on a cheerful note. They always want to dress in the most suitable way possible say like KanyeWest or Nicky Minaj depending on the gender. They spend close to an hour admiring themselves on the mirror as they mix the eye pencil, eye shadow, lip gloss, lip balm, mascara, and foundation and other beauty paraphernalia to an extent that they look like someone different.
The Musicians; the woofer and virtual Dj pro mixer on the laptop or their phone memory card are enough. They ensure that the whole hostel knows that they have an ampex woofer and the latest song in the music arena. Even when they are off to lectures the music is always on, loud and clear.

To be continued

GRADUATION MADNESS Part 1 of 2

Bottomline: the possibility of a South Mugirango SDA church bus not making a grand entrance in main campus is close to zero

My graduation date is setting in fast, everyone including the village chief who only used to talk to me in village barazas, of course after receiving summons to appear before the village barazas for being a bad influence to school going children. The chief was worried that I was becoming an inhibiting factor to his strongman style of leadership since the moment I joined university everything changed from my dress code to my accent. I was the one who ‘controlled the game’ I determined what to wear among my peers depending on the prevailing fashion trends and which hairstyle to have in place. I was simply the SI unit of everything among them considering most of them never managed to go beyond form four, academically.

I started wearing jeans trousers which I only used to see during December holidays when my cousins who stayed in the big city came upcountry for the festive season and having hairstyles which were heavily influenced by celebrities; my most memorable hairstyle was the Balo Mohawk which is or was the default hairstyle of former Manchester City and Italian talisman Mario Balotelli. The first time I went home for long holiday with this hairstyle wearing rugged jeans I brought all operations in our local market to as a standstill. Women started calling each other, talking in hush tones “Injwo! Injwo morore! Ense yaerire!” which when translated to English “come see the world is ending” a clear sign of how people were reserved in this part of the world.

My village mates might carry me shoulder high

Being one of the few people from my village in South Mugirango to ever set foot in a university, a public university on that matter is no joke. I became the first person in the village to use a smartphone, an ‘Ideos’ which was our default phone at that time when joining campus, when Higher Education Loans Board (HELB) was the Higher Education Loans Board not the shadow body it is today courtesy of the delays witnessed. Those days when you find Ksh 50,000/= in your account. When receiving my first disbursement I thought I could buy a car considering I had never laid my hands on such an amount of money in my lifetime.

My biggest headache is the list of people who have already booked their slots in my graduation ceremony from relatives to friend of friends of relatives. Did I forget to mention that my mother is in more than twenty merry go rounds ‘Chamas’ each having an average of twenty different members with each member wanting to be in attendance hence the possibility of a South Mugirango SDA church bus not making a grand entrance in main campus is close to zero. Mong’are and his crew of Alcohol Response Unit (ARU) will definitely not miss the event as it is the only avenue for my father to buy them free flowing liquor to celebrate the occassion.

To be continued………………………………………………………

EURO 2016: CLASH OF THE TITANS

Euro 2016 is one of the most competitive soccer tournament’s since most of the countries have well-structured soccer frameworks which is evident courtesy of their youth systems and soccer leagues which are not only the best but also competitive.

Group A

It might appear as the easiest on paper but in football anything happens if you think am lying ask any sports betting investors to explain using diagrams how Slovakia whitewashed Germany 3-1 at WWK Arena, Augsburg,Germany.

Albania: is the weakest team on paper the only player who is ‘known’ is FC Nantes star defender/defensive Midfielder who doubles up as the skipper Lorik Cana the rest are ‘just’ 10 players who managed to put together a magical show so as to qualify for EURO for the first time.

France: they double up as the tournament favorites and group favorites. Have a huge pool of talent in all playing departments which gives Coach Didier Deschamps endless nightmares on who to field in his star studded squad. With the likes of Tottenham Hotspurs shot stopper Hugo Lloris who also doubles up as the skipper for both club and country, midfield play maker Paul Pogba, Midfield maestro Blaise Matuidi (PSG) set piece specialist Dimitri Payet and mercurial forward Antoine Griezmann one would say EURO is theirs to lose.

Inset: French foward Antoine Griezmann

Romania: well-known their it’s either we draw or we win strategy which they effectively deployed during the qualifiers that saw them go unbeaten hence seeing off one of Europe’s formidable soccer powerhouse Greece to end their eight year wait thus qualify for the tournament. Forcing draws seems to be their specialty having done so against Italy and Spain who are 2006 and 2010 World Cup Winners in friendlies. All their standout players happen to be players in the defensive position from star Fiorentina FC shot stopper Ciprian Tatarusanu to defenders Vlad Chirches (Napoli), skipper Razvan Rat (Espanyol) and Cristian Sapunaru thus conceded a single goal in the qualifiers

Switzerland: also favorites to qualify from this group courtesy of their stand out players such as Juventus defender and team skipper Stephan Lichtsteiner, Granit Xhaka (Borussia Monchengladbach) Xherdan Shaqiri (Stoke City), Admir Mehmedi(Bayern Leverkusen) shot stopper Roman Burki (Borusia Dortmund) and Eren Derdiyok (Kasimpasa)

Verdict: France and Switzerland to qualify as number 1 and 2 respectively.

GROUP B

Another group which appears to be easier in paper but either Wales or Russia might surprise the three lions. The only team guaranteed direct qualification is Slovakia who have perfected the art of team work which have made them beat World soccer powerhouses such as Germany and Spain and are on an eight match unbeaten run which does not seem to end anytime soon. Arguably the dark horses in the tournament qualifying for the first time as an independent nation though the former Czechoslovakia won the 1976 European championship.They boast of standout individual talent such as double skipper Marek Harmsik who captains both club, Napoli and country, Liverpool star defender Martin Skrtel and Viktoria Pilzen hitman Michal Duris.

Wales: They are the underdogs by default in the group. Viewed as a one man show team courtesy of their stand out, world class, Real Madrid attacker Gareth Bale. With most of their players plying their trade in the second tier league, Championship in England not much is to be expected from them.Other notable players include in form Crystal palace shot stopper Wayne Hennessey, Swansea City skipper and star defender Ashley Williams, Tottenham hotspurs defender Ben Davies and Liverpool’s defensive midfielder Joe Allen.

Russia: Having one of the oldest squad with an average age of 30.The youngest member of the squad being CSKA Moscow instrumental young midfielder Aleksandr Golovin who is doubtful to be given a starting role ahead of experienced Roman Shirokov (CSKA Moscow) and Denis Glushakov (Spartak Moscow).It is also one of the three squads which has two brothers, Vasili and Aleksei Berezutski. All their players apart from Shalke 04 center back Roman Neustader play in the top flight Russian premier league thus know each other well a factor that has made the players to jell together easily.Other instrumental players include experienced CSKA Moscow goalkeeper Igor Akineev and Zenit St Petersbrough talisman Artem Dzyuba.Their pool of seasoned player will play a role to ensure their qualification to the next round.

England: The three lions always have a relatively star studded squad year in year out but always fail to rise up to the occasion at international competitions. All eyes will be on skipper and country’s top scorer Wayne Rooney who was inconsistent at club level due to injury issues and dip in form. Newcomers such as Leicester City hitman Jamie Vardy, Tottenham hotspurs midfielders Eric Dier and Bamidelle ‘Dele’ Alli alongside talismanic striker Harry Kane are expected to steer the three lions to glory.

Verdict: Slovakia to qualify as number 1 England and Russia to fight for the second slot.

Group C

Germany: are obviously the as group favorites due to their pool of talent and individual brilliance. Having recovered from a 3-1 humiliation at the hands of Slovakia by hammering Hungary 2-0 to built confidence levels among players. Key players include Arsenal playmaker Mesut Ozil, Real Madrid midfielder Toni Kroos and Bayern Munich trio of Manuel Neur,Jerome Boateng and Thomas Muller.

Northern Ireland: If the number of teams in this competition hadn’t been increased to 24 from the previous 16, they would have never qualified for the competition. The most notable thing is the squad has two brothers Corry and Johnny Evans. The weaklings in the group with most of their players plying their trade in Scotland, second and third tier leagues in England. Their notable players include Manchester United bench warmer Paddy McNair, West Bromwich defender Johnny Evans,former Manchester United goalkeeper Roy carroll and Watford defender Craig Cathcart.

Poland: Having exited the tournament at the group stages at the 2012 tournament which they co-hosted alongside Ukraine. They have a pool of talented players more so in the final third courtesy of last season Bundesliga and Eredivisie top scorer Robert Lewandoski(Bayern) and Arkadiusz Milik(Ajax), Arsenal-As Roma loanee shot stopper Wojciech Szczesny,,Borussia Dortmund star defender Lukasz Piszczek and skipper Jakub Blaszczykowski (Fiorentina)

Ukraine: Their counter attacking type of play plus their defensive tactics that ensures all the ten players are behind the ball. Their 4-3 win against Romania, which forced draws against Spain and Italy shows they are no pushovers. Notable players include former Bayern Munich defendensive midfielder Anatoliy Tymoschuk and Sevilla Midfielder Yevhen Konoplayanka.

Verdict: Germany to qualify as number 1, Poland and Ukraine square it out for number 2.

Group D

It also appears to be a straight forward group with Croatia and Spain being seen as automatic candidates for the two slots due to the big names in their ranks. Turkey and Czech Republic will not be easy pushovers.

Croatia: Having big names in their ranks in all playing departments from mercurial Juventus striker Mario Mandzukic, Hoffenheim forward Andrej Kramaric, Fiorentina forward Nikola Kalicinic,Barcelona midfielder Ivan Rakitic,Real Madrid playmaker Luka Modric, Inter Milan winger Ivan Perisic and As Monaco shot stopper Danijel Subasic.

Czech Republic: Are viewed as the underdogs in this group due to fewer big name players compared to their rivals in the group. Their stand out players happen to be Arsenal players, goalkeeper Petr Cech and Tomas Rosicky.Other instrumental players are Sparta Prague attacker David Lafata, Bursaspor forward Tomas Necid and Werder Bremen fullback Theodor Gebre Selassie.

Spain: Their possession style of play courtesy of the vast number of Barcelona players in their ranks seems to be their major strength, however, it might backfire if they play against counter attacking opponents such as Turkey. Their backline seems to be their major headache but they expect cushioning from the midfield. Influential players include playmakers Cesc Fabregas(Chelsea).Thiago Alcantara (Bayern Munich), Andres Iniesta(Barcelona) David Silva (Man City),forwards Alvaro Morata (Juventus) and Pedro Rodriguez (Chelsea)

Turkey: Are expected to put up a fight for the second their counter attacking kind of play and set piece execution techniques make the dangerous against any opponent. Instrumental players include midfielders Arda Turan (Barcelona), Hakan Calhanoglu (Bayern Leverkusen),Yunus Malli (Mainz 05),Nuri Sahin (Borussia Dortmund) and lethal Beijing Guoan attacker Burak Yilmaz.

Verdict: Croatia and Spain to qualify

Group E

The most unpredictable group in the tournament making it the group of death. Belgium has the golden generation of players who are both young and versatile, Italy have a pool of experience in international competitions, Republic of Ireland has one of the best teamwork which saw them miss 2014 World Cup qualification by a whisker courtesy of poor match officiating whereas Sweden plays the most physical yet skillful game.

Belgium: Has one of the youngest squads in the tournament with a few experienced players in their ranks. Arguable the golden generation of players the country has ever produced. Standout players include Chelsea goalkeeper Thibaut Courtois, Tottenham Hotspurs defending duo Toby Alderweireld and Jan Vertonghen,As Roma defensive midfielder Radja Nainggolan,Manchester City playmaker Kevin De Bruyne,Chelsea winger Eden Hazard, Everton front man Romelu Lukaku,Liverpool Divock Origi and Christian Benteke.

Italy: has a pool of experienced players from 2006 world cup winners including keeper and skipper Gianluigi Buffon(Juventus),defenders Giorgio Chiellini and Andrea Barzagli both of Juventus and As Roma midfielder Daniele De Rossi. Southampton striker Graziano Pelle and Torino forward Ciro Immobile will lead the frontline.

Sweden: Their captain Zlatan Ibrahimovic is their stand out player who is out to prove why he is among the highly rated strikers in the World by guiding the team to the finals.Other notable players include Norwich City right back Martin Olsson,Torino centre back Pontus Jansson, Sunderland midfielder and set piece specialist Sebastian Larsson, Hamburg SV midfielder Albin Ekdal and Celta Vigo forward John Guidetti.

Republic of Ireland: Might be viewed as underdogs but poses a great threat due to the well coordination in their playing units. Standout players like Southampton striker Shane Long ,LA Galaxy talisman Robbie Keane, Everton right back Seamus Coleman, Aston Villa centre back Ciaran Clark, Sunderland centre back John O’Shea,Everton midfielder James McCarthy and West Bromwich Albion winger James McClean.

Verdict: Anyone can qualify and anyone can fail to qualify.

Group F

The easiest group in the tournament with two definite minnows, Hungary and Iceland. However in football everything is possible.

Austria: Having big names in European football such as Bayern Munich wingback David Alaba, Stoke City talisman Marko Arnautovik, Stuttgart’s Martin Harnik and Tottenham Hotspurs Kevin Wimmer. The second qualifying spot seems to be a guarantee.

Iceland: With most of their players plying their trade with Scandinavian clubs they have few players who ply their trade in mainland Europe. Their notable players include Nantes striker Kolbein Sigthorson and Swansea City set piece specialist Gylfi Sigurdsson who will need to pull up something special to ensure they qualify.

Hungary: Their only standout player being Hannover’s Adam Szalai, qualifying for the knockout stages will require a combination of self-belief among players, teamwork, magic and luck.

Portugal: Seen as a one man team due to the shadow effect of two time Ballon d’Or winner and Real Madrid Talisman Cristiano Ronaldo. The squad has other influential players such Pepe (Real Madrid), Eder (On loan to Lille from Swansea) and As Monaco midfield anchor Joao Moutinho.

Verdict: Portugal and Austria to qualify as position 1 and 2 respectively.

NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS THAT NEVER STAND THE TEST OF TIME

Now that the Lord has been merciful enough to allow us live to see a new year everyone has a new year resolution .Some are making over ambitious new year resolutions which can never and will never materialize buts it’s okay rules are also made to be broken.

“Starting next year I will stop drinking,” a drunkard would be overheard declaring as his or her New Year resolution, not because he is willing to quit the bottle but because of the responsibilities that come along with the Country’s longest month “Njaanuary” as they often put it. Bear in mind this is someone who cannot sleep with any alcoholic drink in the same room, one party has to sleep inside another. It is usually the longest month for men of the bottle as they are forced to be tee tollers for a whole month as they cannot afford the booze since they have spent a good amount of money paying their bills, footing school fees and other financial commitments that come in this month. As they drink themselves on the last day of the year at popular hangouts where they are major ‘shareholders’ to the extent that they know all waitresses by name, voice and age. You might tend to believe that they might have quit alcohol in the month of January, however, the moment they receive that month’s salary they go back to basics. When drunk they would be heard crying out loud in their drinking dens “If Jesus turned water into wine, who are we not to drink are,” a clear indication they benefited from Sunday school classes in their heydays.

“This year I want to settle down am tired of running up and down after girls,” a member of that notorious team that has no coach, no playing ground, no official jersey, no home ground and no official starting lineup will be heard declaring as his New Year resolution courtesy of his mother’s pressure for grandchildren. This seems to be the easiest resolution to be broken as it can’t last a fortnight.

Ladies will also declare that they are looking for a suitable man to settle down with as their New Yearresolution yet they come up with unrealistic expectations and conditions to be met with their kind of ‘suitable’ man. They would claim their suitable man should be financially stable, God fearing, educated, tall, handsome, intelligent outgoing,flamboyant,charismatic blah blahblah the list of these unrealistic expectation is longer than a shopping list and is directly opposite to the character of the ladies who spell them out.

Renowned spendthrifts will declare how they would reduce their spending habits so as to start saving to acquire assets and long term investments. These are people who anything called money itches them. They don’t trust their banks with their money to the extent that they withdraw their salaries less than 24 hours after their respective employers have deposited in their accounts. They spend their income in unnecessary spending sprees whenever they have the cash with a promise that they will change and start saving.

Having lost 99.999% of all SportPesa bets last year a seemingly disappointed gambler would go around saying how he has quit gambling after realizing it is an unproductive economic activity since he has been on the wrong end of bets for the whole year. However, there is that voice at the back of the head telling him not to quit since he stands a chance of regaining the cash ‘lost’ in the past year due to gambling. Tempted to try his luck in the games that come after New Year, good riddance, he wins a good amount, the gambling continues.