OF HOSTELS AND MOI UNIVERSITY; ALL HAIL HESTGATE.

Part two of two,

This mega-hostel which derives its Hilliance name from the popular stage based reliance supermarket .It is the unopposed Central Business District(CBD) of Moi University main campus .It is also known as Hestgate  after Westgate shopping mall since it is also a consortium of many businesses. It is the only hostel that does not experience blackouts even if the entire Kesses region under Eldoret South Kenya power and lightning company (KPLC) zone as it has its independent transformer on top of it .Nobody in main campus can clearly describe hostel H well, some will say it is a bakery, others will say it is a laboratory, others will say it a supermarket, others will say it is a black-market but the bottom line is that it is an assembly of all merchants in Moi University Main Campus. Let me try to break down in detail what hostel H aka Hilliance aka Hestgate is in details.

 It houses Pumwani Hospital (Hospice) private wing which was official opened last around June this year when I was undertaking my last semester as a first year. The first patient was a second year on long holiday who came to deliver her first class honours after her boyfriend had refused to take responsibility of the honours .If you think am lying then go and look for crazy Monday pullouts during this period and you will find the details of how a university chic gave birth in a male hostel.

   Stationary and printing press  have their bases here, national newspapers such as the Daily Nation, The Standard and international newspapers such as The New York Times should  consider opening new outlets most photocopiers are located here .This paper business is booming due to the relatively cheap prices and the never ending advertisements up to the washrooms each printing press trying to market itself to customers who flock the hostel in their numbers .Unfortunately these printing presses save your assignment only to sell it to your course mates on a willing buyer willing seller basis. This situation automatically leads to exam malpractice ,which is  a crime with ramifications only my course mate Roy Neto can tell from a victims perspective how nearly half the class collected his assignment after he had printed from a rogue printer who sold it to fellow lazy course mates .You cannot think what happened next.

   

  Hestgate Revenue Authority (HRA) which is the body controlled by the janitor and is in charge of collecting revenue all the businessmen in H. It also gives licenses to all businessmen and aspiring businessmen who want to carry out business activities in this hostel. The businessmen who think they are smarter than the taxman (HRA) try to cheat the taxman of his dues end up being banished from doing business within and around H until they pay the fine.

          Laboratories used by able scientists manufacturing Hydrated Omena Hydroxide (HOH).This laboratories are usually located on the ground floor as the perfume is usually concentrated here.

            Bank of Hestgate (BoH) which is also located in this building .It provides loans to businessmen who don’t have funds to start businessmen, like my   class rep Kevin who after being poor like me for a whole semester out of nowhere bought a printer and began his printing business nowadays I only hear of him on the radio he has really crossed the border of poverty now he is living in the land of milk and honey, leaving me in poverty.

                  It is the only the only hostel in the whole world that houses The Statehouse and Whitehouse, if you think am lying go ask to be shown these presidential palaces .On top of that they have party house which is also recognized by the online booking system .I Almost forgot before I knew of Westgate hostel H had Westgate already .However their Westgate is located on the First floor on your way to the washrooms just next to room 116 you can confirm from yourself if you don’t believe me.

               This hostel also has a Casino, probably where James Bond Casino Royale blockbuster was acted .This is the pool located on the second floor where troublesome second years usually reduce their stress after a long day. On top of that these hostel has a butchery which sells meat though no one really knows where it is located .Hotels that sell ready to eat beans are also here no wonder the stench of  burnt beans is the odour second to Hydrated Omena Hydroxide.

              So far these is the Luxurious hostel in the university with all the investments in it no one would not want to live in it. However the major problem is with the Hestgate Sewerage and Sanitation Board (HSAS) is the only institution failing in its mandate as it is the dirtiest hostel in main campus with litter all over and no go zone washrooms. I really wonder how my class representatives Kimutai and Kevin together with class Campus women Representative  Bianka survived here for a whole year because the last time I attempted to pass through Hostel H during my first year I collapsed and found myself in Moi Referral Hospital Eldoret getting medication on Malaria ,Typhoid  ,Cholera and lung cancer. Can scientists take residents of these hostel as samples for experiments because they seem to be resistant species who could be used to formulate a hybrid vaccine.

CAMPUS MOST DATED MEN

After months of research in the field of dating at campus level, so as to come up with a list of most dated men and women and vice versa. Here is a list of the most dated gentlemen not male species.

Engineers to be; these are students who wear white overalls like lab technicians and butchers and carry funny shaped wooden boards the likes of Vincent “akina Viny”. Their pick up line is simple and confusing ‘mi ni Viny na mi ni wa tech’ (‘am Vincent and am from the school of Technology’), after a chic hears this she becomes confused, case closed. A certain colleague once told me “who would want to date a teacher considering they spend ten years teaching as BOG or PTA before being employed by the Teachers Service Commission only to be paid sim sim and start demonstrating on a routine basis.” Is this a case of ladies and unrealistic calculations as my friend Steph puts it?

‘Frakaholics’,these are DDOs (Daily Drinking Officers) who never fail to make drinking appearances in social joints around campus on a daily basis, courtesy of their hefty wallets. Where they get the money to engineer their lavish lifestyles is none of anyone’s business. What kind of lady would not want to date a guy who never fails to appear in such places? Plus the free booze and other value added services.  


The Omondi’s; this are the people who walk around in “expensive suits” made in Italy, big telephonic devices and tablets even if they are made in the school of engineering like my ‘Techno’, in addition to the designer shoes they suffocate their feet in. This are people who invest in luxury as they claim they only live once so they have to live well thus utilizing the HELB loan well ,by the way they never become broke, they are usually on financial off peak,no wonder all their playlists have P square’s hit song ‘Chop my Money’. Their humongous English vocabularies and mastery of the queens’ language gives them an additional advantage. These are people who spend a fortune in their girlfriends due to their extravagant nature. The last time I came across an Omondi he told me “Luo is a software you download, install, update and it depends which version.”

Mogadishu boys; this are the campus “prince charmings’ the likes of Adukadirs’ .I don’t know the kind of charms they use but according to my guess their natural hair which looks like mine if I apply salon based chemicals, may be the secret behind their success apart from promising chics that they would take them for shopping in “Dubai” which in essence is Eastleigh. I think I will start applying these salon based chemicals on my hair in this case considering the dating field is becoming competitive.

 Gym goers and rugby players, these are the students who resemble the animation character ‘Masgwembe’ and the cartoon ‘Johnny Bravo’ respectively. They spent more time in the gymnasium weight lifting compared to reading handouts. Ladies usually attend rugby matches due to their muscular bodies accompanied by six packs and not their understanding of the game as they practically know nothing considering they cheer everything even a foul. Who said one has to have six packs to be handsome, one pack ‘pot belly’ is enough as it says everything thus positive public opinion.

Current affairs, these are the campus Google application as they literally know everything from what will be going down at town two weeks’ time to the latest fashion trend in campus. They are the Mr. Know it all as they are well versed with the current rumours, hearsays and 411 in and around campus.

The Wafula’s; these are students who carry the whole supermarket in the name of shopping and never  fail to make an appearance in MABs shopping centre on Saturdays’. They invest on kitchen based paraphernalia mostly from carbohydrates to vitamins. This are people you would never fail to get snacks and juice in their rooms, no wonder campus ladies are always visible in their hostel rooms. Who doesn't want a food secure person?

Class reps, this are male students who carry out the role of high school prefects only that their roles are advanced to the extent that they coordinate lectures. They are in charge of ensuring lecture attendance sheets are marked by those in class. Initially they were are always called nowadays they are ‘whatsapped’ by female students who are missing in action (MIA),not in class during lectures so that they can sign for them .No wonder the lecture attendance list indicates a 100% lecture attendance while in essence only 35% are in attendance.

Assignment doers and deans. This are students who literally know everything concerning academics. From cramming lecture time tables to carrying out research projects. These are students whom their female counterparts find it a pleasure to be in the same study group, moreover sitting beside him during an examination is a collateral and insurance for getting an automatic A. Who even fancies retakes and supplimentaries?

Elders, these is the clique of students the university administration refers to as senior students. Everything relating to them is senior. From senior hostels, senior lectures to senior ages. They suffer from superiority syndrome since they are close to clearing campus. This clearing campus story of theirs is what they use as a pick up line, ‘you know in three months I would be clearing campus so that we settle down’ what type of lady would not want to settle down. Finances are never a problem to them courtesy of attachment money and invested ‘Helbilated’ funds. Their rooms are well furnished with 3D televisions, home theatres and cloth carpets mostly animal print. This are the rooms’ female students always leave something behind, and something means anything from earrings to handkerchiefs so that they find a reason to come back again and again.

PSSP’s which is an initial for Poor Secondary School Performers, sorry meant Private Self Sponsored Students .They operate like varsity Dons as they live highlifes’, from their designer attires mostly from the house of Gucci and Louis Vuitton, sophisticated electronic paraphernalia such as apple laptops and tablets, in addition to the imported shoe wares from Venice that they suffocate their feet in, only to mention but a few as the list is endless. This are students whom parents give upkeep, pocket money, maintenance fee and academic hardship allowances so as to keep them in school. Unlike the GSSPs, Great Secondary School Performers sorry meant Government Self Sponsored Students  who after every academic year are busy struggling to book hostel H and J, depend on World bank(HELB) and their parents(IMF) to do something “kufanya jambo” as my roommate Ongechi puts it, so that the can live on a hand to mouth basis. The PSSPs’ live in 'posh' estates free of nagging housekeepers and janitors such as Dadina and Nature springs where they pay rent monthly not the “semesterial” accommodation fees by GSSPs .The PSSP students live while the GSSP survive no wonder ladies are always after them, courtesy of the lifestyle they can offer.