SUICIDE MISSION II

Bottomline: 'Successful' women in this city (Nairobi) driving away in German machines often part legs for financial favors from tenders to job promotions, rising up the corporate ladder they will tell you how hard they worked their way up not how hard their male bosses worked on them.

It's 3 am who the hell was calling me multiple times at this hour when am having my fifth dream on how to escape from the shackles of poverty and bondage of hopelessness. Ignoring the calls wasn't helping so I wake up to switch off my phone so that I could continue to chase my dreams peaceful.
21 missed calls accompanied by 3 messages, I only heard like the last four calls it seems I was busy chasing my dreams, the 17 calls couldn't interfere with the dreams of my life.

I abandon the thought of switching it off so I go to the call log to 'sort' out the nuisance of a person who doesn't respect my banking hours rule when it comes to phone calls; only call me between 9 am and 4 pm unless you are within my close circle of friends who are less than 10, family or guys whom we roast meat together on Fridays...

Still sleepy I struggle with the pattern, in no time I had gotten my pattern wrong 5 times so I had to wait for 10 minutes before I could be allowed to try 'patterning' it out again, you all know how these upgraded Techno phone baptized Infinix operate at times. So I had to wake up stumble my way to the washroom to take a piss. What is it with short calls and sleep loss in the wee hours of the morning.

Ten minutes can be a long time, I had to wash my face in a bid to stay awake. Who was calling at this hour? Might it be Johnte? No it can't be him we agreed I will pay up what I owed him in a week's time or it may be my younger brother, Jeff? The last time I received numerous calls at such a time he had been arrested by boys in blue (Kenya Police) for being 'drunk and disorderly' loitering around a street famed for its overflowing flesh peddlers.

I had to send them Ksh 2,000 for him to be released yet he doesn't take alcohol except when partaking the holy communion. The boys in blue ripped me off but it was fine as long as they didn't take his finger prints spoiling his chances of landing the certificate of good conduct every employer asks for nowadays.

As thoughts on who had been continuously calling ran through my mind Infinix finally allowed me to draw the pattern again, this time I got it right. It was Faith, why was she calling me at this time anyway so I saw new message notifications thus I went straight to my inbox only to find the 'call back its urgent'  message X3 from the same person.

Faith was my coursemate back in campus,we were very good friends from first year week one to date. We were in the same discussion group,sat together during exams, signed nominal rolls and covered each other academically (though I did most of the covering). We even went to the same financial institution for attachment, actually she is the one who had that crucial connection which secured me that slot. She put in a good word for me thus I got the opportunity to be interned at one of the best banks around thanks to her 'uncle' who was occupying the upper echelons in the organization.

This was reward enough for our friendship......

After clearing campus I was called back,close to three months being in between jobs struggling not to freeze in the unemployment cold. Back to the bank where were interns or is it attaches for some 12 month contract. This time her hand wasn't there, my outstanding performance during the internship period prompted the manager corporate services to recall me to fill in for a staff member who had been poached by a rival bank as they sought a replacement.

Faith was 'lucky', she had been recalled immediately, she hadn't even spent a week outside here being unemployed thanks to her 'uncle' so I found her there already on a three year contract. She was surprised but happy with our reunion though it only lasted for a year before I received 'marching orders' when my contract wasn't renewed yet the replacement they were sourcing all this while never arrived.

For a year I was doing a permanent staff's job on a contractual pay only to be shown the door without any explanation, life can be fairly unfair at times. Faith on the other hand was promoted to the position on a permanent and pensionable basis thanks to her 'uncle', I was happy for her at least she had made a huge step professionally though I felt shortchanged I had a second class honors upper division yet with her second class honors lower division she was considered I was disposed....... This is what happens when you know people at higher places.

Yours truly called back it was about 3:30 am, she picked up immediately before I could even clear my throat to start the conversation, a clear indication she was waiting for the call plus she knew yours truly here never disappoints his friends so I came through for her.
I didn't know how to begin the conversation so I began with the missed calls...

"I have seen your missed calls, I had been asleep whats the emergency that couldn't wait for tomorrow?" I asked

"How free are you tomorrow?" She asked

"I may be free, but not available." I replied to make myself feel more important

"Okay, how available are you tomorrow we need to talk?" She replied

"Can't we talk right now that am awake?" I asked

"It ain't something that we can talk over the phone, we need to have a sit down." She replied.

" A sit down, is it about a mortgage, loan or an investment plan from the bank?" I asked

"No, it's about something else;something personal I just need your audience?" She replied.

"At what time?" I asked

" Over lunch at Java House Westlands Square be there by 1 pm." She replied

"Okay I will." I replied as I hanged up...

Having been in between jobs for the last three years, I was definitely free but availability is relative depending on who is asking. What could she want to talk about, we have been talking regularly anyway. We all know how this "we need to talk" statement sends shivers down men's spines as it comes along with pregnancy scares, side chic exposes or a pending divorce for those in relationships, we weren't in a relationship so I wasn't tensed, was I. She had called me 21 times over something that can't be talked over the phone between 2 am and 3 am,  Kenyan women are surely the 9th Wonder of the World.

I went back to sleep only to be woken up at 8 am with another call as she inquired if our meeting was still on, definitely it was on I assured her. Faith belongs to this cohort of women sent from heaven by Angel Gabriel Himself who pay bills even when you are the one who invited her out so there was no way I was bolting from free lunch at Java, who refuses roast pork 'carnitas' fajitas platter accompanied with strawberry smoothie.

Lunch time down here is between 1 pm- 2 pm so in my attempt to minimize fare by moving around the city during the off peak hours. This enabled me to be there by noon. I always keep time more so when food is involved. To my surprise she was already there, you know women in this country are good in keeping everything from secrets, lineup of boyfriends in their inboxes to an assortment of makeups in their handbags but not time. She sat on a table adjacent to the entrance saving me the hustle of calling her asking where she was.

"Good afternoon, sorry for keeping you," I began the conversation as I placed my backpack on the seat. Walking with a backpack around town earns you some sort of respect by the way even when it doesn't have anything.

"Nope have just arrived." She replied as she gave me a long hug.

When you get a long hug from  a woman whom you don't share a common bloodline (Mother, grandmother, aunt, sisters, cousins, nieces) just know she is distressed.

Hugs are very scarce outside here something that makes me miss campus. From the level of her chocolate shake, she had been there for sometime maybe she even had her breakfast there,who
knows......

"What is this urgent thing you wanted to talk to me about that couldn't allow me to follow my dreams?" I asked

"Imagine they showed me the door after everything."  She replied

"I thought you were confirmed as a permanent and pensionable staff a year into your three year contract." I exclaimed remembering how she flooded our table at Club Rumorz that week she was confirmed to celebrate her promotion. I had to run away that day by excusing myself that I was 'going to the washroom' for if I stayed any longer alcohol would have surely killed me that day.

" What happened ?" I asked

"Imagine last month I was transferred from HQ to our Jogoo Road branch." She replied

" Which is which the transfer or being showed the door?" I asked

Hardly had I finished the statement than the waiter came by to pick my order which is usually roast pork 'carnitas' fajitas platter accompanied with strawberry smoothie. This is my preferred food combination in Java so that I get value for money.

"Imagine after everything he dropped me, catalyzed my transfer before sacking me indirectly?" She threw tantrums at me,hitting the table continuously as her voice was rising making the whole restaurant turn their attention to our table. Some even had their phones ready for filming the impending scuffle with the expectation that the two lovebirds were about to provide a scene that would be enough fodder for Kilimani Mums and Dads  and gossip blogs all over, hell surely hath no fury like a scorned woman.

What is it with ladies starting sentences with 'imagine' more so when they are passing bad news?

"Relax, Faith everyone is looking at us now could you please tone down if this conversation has to continue." I humbly requested in soprano to avoid any dramatic scenes. She calmed down or so I presumed

"Could your uncle help you out of the situation?" I asked

"Which uncle?" She replied

"Uncle Sam, the one who got us the internship and secured you the permanent slot." I replied seemingly surprised how she had quickly forgotten her uncle.

"He was no uncle of mine." She replied with a seemingly disappointed face as she looked down.

"Who was he then." I asked surprised how the 'uncle' had been beneficial to both of us but she benefited most.

"He was some guy I was introduced to by another friend of mine who knew him through another friend of her's." She replied

Ladies are the only magicians able to change your title from babe, handsome,knight in shining armor to some fool I met through some fool whom we shared a mutual friend. See how uncle Sam quickly turns to some guy. I never bothered asking what was in for uncle Sam now that I knew what was in for her.  For you to get anything meaningful in this country you need connections, even a successful relationship.

'Successful' women in this city (Nairobi) driving away in German machines often part legs for financial favors from tenders to job promotions, rising up the corporate ladder they will tell you how hard they worked their way up not how hard their male bosses worked on them.

"So why did he sack you indirectly when he could have just sacked you by raising his pen?" I asked

"You know he promised to divorce his wife and marry me, he was supposed to marry me last year but he didn't I was willing to be married as a second wife but he kept taking me in circles until I called his wife a month ago to tell him about our affair." She explained

"So you really believed he was going to marry you as a second wife after he refused to divorce his first wife?" I asked

"Yes he told me he wasn't happy with his marriage." She replied

"Any married man who wants to sleep with you will always vend you lies of being in an unhappy marriage, you even decided to settle for position two?" I satirically asked

"You know you wouldn't understand because you are not a lady; I feel used,misused and abused."She replied

In my mind I asked myself if I wouldn't understand why did she request my audience urgently she could have just called her mother,sister and battalion of aunties for the meeting, women though.

"Now that you don't have a job how will you survive?" I asked

"I want to blackmail him for a colossal amount of money which he shall pay or I start sending his wife explicit texts,videos and photos of our time together including vacations." She said innocently

"Do you have them?" I asked

"What?" She replied

"The explicit unholy matrimony exhibits?" I asked

"Yes, some are on my phone others are backed up on my laptop and cloud though I want you to have some as a backup plan." She confidently replied

"So am to play the wing-man in your blackmail venture?" I asked

"Yes what are friends for I need someone I can trust to cover my back, and that someone is you?" She replied

"There must be another way to sort out this misunderstanding as grown ups?" I offer some  glimmer of reason

"No there isn't,imagine after talking to his wife about the affair things started going south for me a day after being sacked my car was seized by the bank before I was served with an eviction notice by my landlord in a house he rented for me. It seems the wife is now pulling all the strings, both real and imaginary so I must blackmail him for compensation." She replied seemingly angered that I wasn't on board with the idea

"Have you been following news of late?" I asked

"News ain't my thing you know as long as I have TV series to watch." she arrogantly replied

"It seems you aren't aware how young women your age have been sent to their creator under mysterious circumstances. You have forgotten what happened in Migori?" I asked

"What happened in Migori?" She innocently asks.

Before I could answer the question my roast pork 'carnitas' fajitas platter accompanied with strawberry smoothie arrived so I began eating immediately observing table manners, I don't talk while eating. As I was eating I pondered what answer should I give her concerning Migori.

Many things have been happening in Migori anyway should I just tell her about Jakadala farce or Macalder mines collapsing now that she seems to be in the dark about how the Sharon-Obado affair ended in Kodera Forest with Sharon and 'baby' Joseph dead. Here was a similar movie with different characters, I wasn't going to be part of this blackmail should Uncle Sam decide to tie loose ends as he seeks to maintain his reputation.

Prominent people know the fifth law in 48 Laws of Power thus they will guard it with their life even if it means taking a life. Mine wasn't to be taken her's maybe.
As I finished I answered her indirectly " Do you know what happened to Sharon?"

"Sharon, which Sharon?" she innocently asked

"The one who had an affair with the governor?" I asked

"No, I don't?" She replied

"She was murdered when pregnant with the Governor's child." I explained

"How does that concern me am not Sharon am Faith." She answered

Faith surely had faith in herself but I was not boarding as her accomplice so I offered to be a mediator between her and 'uncle' Sam since I knew him pretty well during my time at the headquarters (HQ) but she was also not boarding so it was a stalemate. Dusk was setting in with the nimbostratus clouds already bringing precipitation that had already lasted for some hours now giving matatu operators reason enough to double fares.

I had to return home before fares became unreasonable thanks to the profitable chaos in the transport system. We exchange pleasantries as she paid the bills before we left promising to deliberate further before she takes the next step.

At 8:30 pm I called her to inform her of my arrival; she wasn't picking, my calls went directly to her voicemail. As my laptop connected to home fiber I received a 32 GB file sent by WeTransfer,she had emailed me. A decision had already been made, I was her accomplice, her last line of defense against uncle Sam. I quickly downloaded the files going through quickly backing them in my hard disk before emailing my lawyer cousin some sensitive files as I gave him a heads up just in case uncle Sam sends people after me as a family they will know who is responsible when I reportedly go missing.....

SUICIDE MISSION I

Bottomline: Satan talks to all women equally; whispering instructions which some women follow fully with immediate effect, others implement in installments and hire purchase...

The 6:30 am train was about to depart Syokimau Railway Station for the city centre, with the departure horn alerting all the persons' that hadn't boarded that they should get on board immediately whereas the security personnel should barricade the boarding area not allowing anyone into the boarding area even if you were a minute late.

Being a Monday after a seemingly long weekend occasioned by a public holiday on Friday, the train was barely half full at 7:00 am but the time schedule couldn't allow for any more delays. En route to the city centre we stopped by Imara Daima Railway station to pick some commuters, who doubled or even tripled the number of those who were on board from Syokimau.

Here I was having to hold my backpack after I thought the backpack will be 'seated' all the way to town for the first time since I started using these colonial time automotive. I reluctantly picked up my backpack placing it on my thighs as I created space for the guy who came in giving me that long staring 'use common sense' look of are you not using your eyes to see that the train is full yet your backpack is important compared to the human beings standing on board.

So he took my backpack seat, I had to remove my earphones change the location of my phone and wallet from the right pocket to the left pocket which neighbored the window. In this city we don't take chances especially when seated next to strangers in these public transport vessels,more so strangers in suits.

"Good morning, thanks for the seat, today the train has delayed at what time did you guys leave Syokimau or has this train developed mechanical issues?" He asked as he was sitting down

"We left 30 minutes late the train was waiting for passengers who never showed up," I jumped in the conversation with my reply. He wasn't like any ordinary Kenyan who is always complaining about everything not working in this country be it the Arror-Kimware-Itare dam scandals to how Ruto will 'never' be president in this country. Furthermore, he thanked me for the seat who does that in this country where everyone has a false sense of entitlement.

"I have been waiting here for the last hour, how does public transport systems in this country work nowadays.In the UK (United Kingdom not Uko Kinoo) someone can reside in Liverpool yet he works in Manchester a 50 Kilometre distance, the commuter train takes less than 40 minutes." He lamented..

Here I was thinking Manchester and Liverpool were just football clubs, they are huge cities distance apart. His English was too polished a clear indication he was had been away for sometime, a good duration of time to not speak our 'interview only English'.

"Are you on vacation." I asked

"No I'm not on vacation, I came to see the progress of my retirement home."

Am tempted to insert the 'Kwani' in the  'how long have you been away?" question the I realize he is a returnee thus beginning with 'Kwani' would sound rude so I asked ' How Long have you been away?"
"19 years," he replied

"You just left after high school?" I asked as I tried to approximate his age bracket.

"Nope I went there for my masters immediately after clearing my undergraduate in medicine and surgery thanks to a scholarship programme I applied online." He replied

Brain cell 2 was busy calculating his age, assuming he cleared high school at 18 years spent 2 years after high school hustling awaiting placement by the Joint Admissions, pursue an undergraduate in Medicine & Surgery for 6 years thus he left when he was 18+2+6+1=27 years and he has been abroad for 19 years thus he is about 46 years.

"So you will be coming back after your retirement aren't you a citizen yet?" I asked

"Of course am a citizen, after all those years I have stayed there working as an oncologist at King George Hospital? I just want to come back home after a long absence, after I clear my doctorate studies in a years time I will come back to help in the betterment of the health sector in the country with the experience I have amassed over time. Who doesn't miss their home anyway." He replied

Why would you come back to to such a miserable country with all these self indicted problems thanks to corruption and tribalism. Whereas 1 million of us are busy applying for the Green Card to leave this country there is one 'stupid' oncologists who after being granted British citizenship wants to come back?

Personally I can't comeback to this shit hole of a country even if I move to Rwanda, yes Rwanda that country bordering war torn Eastern Congo where systems are working or at least we are made to know they are working. Does he have any idea about the flotilla of Kenyans who are lifetime green card applicants blockading U.S Citizenship & Immigration Services department year in year out with the hope of living the American Dream......

"Is your retirement home complete?" I asked

After a long uncomfortable silence, I thought I had asked the question wrongly so I was preparing an apology he answered.... My friend "Satan talks to all women equally; whispering instructions which some women follow fully with immediate effect, others implement in installments and hire purchase..."

Which woman had Satan spoken to whispering instructions concerning his retirement home, we are fond of blaming Satan for all of our mistakes come to think of it...

There was this retirement home I was building or I thought I had been building for the past two years after I had made the decision to come back and settle down here either as a lecturer or engage in private practice. Having channeled close to 20 million back home to be channeled to this project I came back to see the progress after being sent suspect photos of different houses by my mother who was spearheading the project.

I never had any doubt having raised the five of us for the better part of our lives as a single mother,she was the most straightforward woman I knew or so I thought. Most of the cash channeled towards this project were savings I had accumulated overtime through sheer hard-work.

Read part two on https://www.campuserian.com/suicide-mission-season-1/

The suspect photos made me to come back to view the house personally,without any warning I landed in Nairobi. Calling my mother informing her of my surprise arrival in the country thus I wanted to physically view the house so that I could come up with the appropriate furnishing. She was very cold towards me over the phone, she has never been that cold scolding me on how I should have informed her of my visit in advance so that she can make the requisite arrangements.

After 19 years of not seeing each other she wasn't happy that I was back. How can a mother not be happy to see her son who had been away for such a lengthy time. Initially I thought it was just a nostalgic feeling until she asked me when was I going back since my job abroad was 'demanding' thus I should not prolong my stay over here.

Two days after my arrival she was hesitant every time I raised the question of when I was supposed to see my house. Always coming up with ridiculous excuses which I wasn't willing to buy, not today not tomorrow. After close to two weeks of push and pull I grew impatient of her senseless mind games thus she decided to take me to the location of my retirement home.

We drove for close to an hour along the Nairobi-Namanga highway without speaking to each other in the car as my younger brother drove. There was some tension between us no one wanted to break the ice after what had transpired between us having literally 'hounding' her to the vehicle. Three kilometres past Isinya town towards Namanga we branched off into some murram road.

After about a kilometre we stopped on some fenced half acre plot with a poorly constructed structure positioned at the centre of the plot. "This is your retirement home." she said as she handed me a brown envelope with land sale agreement papers and title deed. Twenty million had just been washed down the drain I had no words for her, I just took pictures of the structure as I sat down thinking of where will I start from now that my family has already packed up their belongings ready to relocate back here.

How will I explain to my wife and children about their home which was supposedly being built back here now that they had photos mum had sent me. I went back to where mum was standing alongside my younger brother giving them marching orders. I felt betrayed to the extent I wasn't willing to be in the same vehicle with her. She offered me a long list of explanations of how the money was used to take care of 'family problems' which came up over the past two years when my house was being constructed which she couldn't tell me about.

"So what did you do?" I asked

"Nothing,I did nothing my anger told her to forget about me from that day henceforth. I was no longer her son and she was no longer my mum." He replied

I am headed to Nairobi Hospital to see a longtime campus friend who hooked me up with a job at the facility am set  to report next week though am very depressed will my family fully settle down in the squeezed three bedroom mansionette at Imara Daima. What will I tell them about their home when they come back next week? Will I tell them that their grandmother, my mother misused the funds I entrusted her with? I just hope relatives of returnees invest monies sent to them appropriately

The train arrived at the city station, we parted ways as I wished him all the best as he hoped to settle in our messed up country

I never even asked his name...........

BUFFET I

Bottomline: The lighter they are the darker their thoughts,these light skinned women men chase around thanks to their glowing 'beauty' have the darkest hearts they can eliminate you without blinking an eye so stay woke.....

There is this case I was working on involving a client's son who had been withdrawing massive amounts of cash over a short period of time, two weeks to be precise, from their family business account. The father (my client) was worried that his son might be involved in some clandestine activity he was financing willingly or unwillingly. Was it an addiction? What a costly addiction......
He had already withdrawn close to Ksh 700,000 via the ATM (Automatic Teller Machine)  thats around Ksh 50,000 a day here I was thinking that the ATM withdraw limit was Ksh 40,000 or Ksh 45,000.

The bank had raised an alarm over suspect financial transactions occasioned by the daily withdrawals. Amounts of cash that could be easily withdrawn over the counter at one go. However, the dad okayed the suspicious activity when contacted by the bank to ascertain if everything was 'just fine'. There was no way he was going raise any alarm of possible divisions within the family business, this would have been very bad for business now that their competitor was steadily gaining competitive ground.

Financial information between banks and clients is often confidential though the information may be public if your business rivals and competitors are willing to 'sufficiently' pay a bank employee to look the other way furnishing them with such suspect transactions which they leak to bloggers who are guns for hire making fodder out of the issue trolling the company over social media creating a feeling of uncertainty among the populace thus interfering with normal operations the way they 'ran down' Chase and Imperial banks. He was taking no chances, this is where I came in, to clean the mess without eyebrows turning towards his company's direction.

You know how these Asian family business are run; the father is the CEO (Chief Executive Officer) ,first son is the COO (Chief Operations Officer), second son is the CFO (Chief Finance Officer) , first daughter is the sales executive,second daughter is the human resource manager, mother is the internal auditor whereas cousin Khan is the director strategy,risk and innovation. In this particular case, the first son and the father are the signatories so I was investigating the excesses of the first born son.... They literally present and discuss their daily operational reports over supper at the dinner table as homework.

Yesterday I trailed him for the better part of the day from the company's godowns along Mombasa Road to the family home in Parklands. There was nothing suspicious he never withdrew any money so today I was not expecting any different occurrence. Maybe he had changed? I should just bring this case to a closure so that his dad can pay up the remaining amount.

I followed him to one of these city hotels that serves breakfast buffet. I had to part with Ksh 1,500 for breakfast, those are 30 loaves of bread that could cater for my breakfast for a whole month. It was 10:30 am so it had to be early lunch for me considering the buffet had bagels, toast,sandwich,condiments, pastries, fruit, juice, cereals, beverages eggs, meat ball,croissants and other 'things' I don't know and have never seen but had to eat since had paid for them, yes my money doesn't leave my wallet with no proper return of investments.

He (the person I was investigating) had disappeared inside the hotel thus I had to take lunch as I wait for them ( I assumed he was meeting an accomplice or accomplices). Seated in a strategic table that gave me the advantage of closely monitoring the entire ground-floor of the establishment without raising any suspicion that I was on a surveillance mission.

Two women in their late 40's though they had kept themselves well,taking into consideration how light skinned ladies the 'yellow yellow' breed beat faster compared to their darker counterparts unless they have money,good amounts of money. The sun down here has no mercy towards them. Seated at a nearby table not far from where I was munching breakfast compensating the Ksh 1,500 I had 'lost' in the process.

The one in an office suit seemed to be the distressed one,she had even abandoned her job temporarily to take care of something urgent,something that needed precise round-table planning over breakfast at an expensively deserted city hotel. The other one casually dressed seemed to be a friend in deed who had a bag of solutions for her friend in deed.

The woman in a suit seemed to be having problems, the only problem career women in this country have revolve around men they live with; their husbands. They were also waiting for someone I presumed,someone important who had kept them waiting, women in this country are the ones who keep people waiting in most cases they can even stand you up without any concentrate reason without an apology.

They hadn't touched their food talking about how the problem had to be taken care of urgently and silently seemed to be the priority the food was just a by the way. I was tempted to divert my attention from the plate full of croissants to their conversation. So I found myself eavesdropping on their conversation...............

Imagine two weeks ago he told me he was travelling to Dubai to meet some investors who are interested in investing huge amounts of cash in their company only for me to find his passport in his closet. He has been away for two weeks in 'Dubai' still transacting company business. I think he swam all the way since his passport is still at home.

Three months ago I hired a private investigator who handed me a detailed investigative report yesterday when I called you that highlighted his clandestine operations from hotel check in receipts,call logs, financial transactions to photos and videos in compromising situations with some young lady whom he has rented a furnished apartment in Kileleshwa. Lamented the 'suited' lady

I want this thing (the man and his new flame) to go away silently; divorces are usually messy,noisy with many casualties. I don't want my children to know of our marital problems which will make headlines in local newspapers and top stories in news rooms thus a protracted divorce case which will subject them to ridicule thus adverse psychological effects which may forever change their lives. The case will be a subject of discussion in all circles from our close friends,neighbors and relatives. She continued....

Lady in a suit: Do you know how I called you here?

Casually dressed lady : Yes, to help me take care of this,"

Lady in a suit: Is he good at his job?

Casually dressed lady: Yes he is infact he took care of Brenda's husband without anyone suspecting foul play. He works with the police thus he can 'cook' the evidence to show what he wants people to believe thus no one will suspect foul play. This fool will disappear forever.

A smartly dressed man joined them, after receiving hugs in wholesale and exchanging pleasantries he sat down as they discussed business. He showed the suited lady what looked like his work identification card to increase his credibility as a man fit for the job if the money is fit for the job.

Smartly dressed man: When do you want us to take care of the fool..

Lady in a suit: When he immediately 'comes' back from Dubai...

Smartly dressed man: So thats tomorrow...

Lady in a suit: Yes....

Smartly dressed man: We will just say he died due to methamphetamine overdose whereas the girl will be taken care of on a later day. The cause of her death will be due to stabbing after a bar brawl.
The suspects are still at large,they will be at large forever. I will need Ksh 2 million in cash before the sun sets  1 million for my men and I the other 1 million for the pathologists who will carry out the two autopsies. He asserted

Lady in a suit: Two million before the day ends then my husband is found dead the following day will they suspect foul play?

Casually dressed lady: You will just tell them you loaned me the money to expand my saloon and spa business, nobody will bother with further questions.

Lady In a suit: Okay you will take care of the fool no mistakes and if anything goes wrong I hope no one will look towards my direction?

Smartly dressed man: (confidently) nothing goes wrong when am in-charge? He won't be my last fool to take care of. He may be working for  multinational X thus making him a high profile individual but his death will be treated like an ordinary drug overdose.

Lady in suit: What is his friends and organization decide to carry out a separate autopsy and a parallel investigation to ascertain the cause of death you know he has friends at high places?

Smartly dressed man: (Smiling as he laughs off) We are the high places we will make it impossible for any of those 'nonsense' to take place.

Lady in a suit: Okay give me you bank account so that I wire the money directly to your account in an hours time.

Smartly dressed man: I don't receive traceable monies I will send my people to pick the money when you have it just call me through this number (He removes what looked like a business card and hands to her before he leaves without a sip of tea or a bite, what a waste of money)

The moment they mentioned his position in multinational X I knew who the 'fool' they had been talking about is. Should I rope him as a potential client averting his possible death? or Should I wait for headlines on national newspapers and breaking news on television screens of how a multinational chief was found dead in a Kileleshwa apartment thanks to  methamphetamine overdose. Methamphetamine who even knows an animal by this name in this part of the world...........

As I was pondering on what action to take the person I had been trailing, my clients son came down the restaurant area in the company of a lady whom he was having a 'private' closed door meeting in one of the hotel rooms. They handed the key and left I had to follow the lady as the new lead as I allowed him to get away. Piecing up what might be the cause of the massive withdrawals, when a woman is involved speculations are rife. I followed her back to the company's godowns along Mombasa Road and later on to her house in Imara Daima.

To be continued........................

SITUATIONSHIPS

Bottomline: Women in this country have become something else reducing men to shopping vouchers, vacation offers, rent payers, mortgage providers, fare senders, interior designers, landscapers, car bazaar operators and birthday money service providers without apologies.

Stress levels are very high in this country; people are struggling to make ends meet, the economy is in shambles for the ordinary citizen who isn't part of the government tendering that has led to a new crop of nouveau riche who are mostly government 'relathieves'.

Jobs aren't easy to come by nowadays, money seems to be playing hide and seek with wallets. The Ksh 1000 note has become valueless the moment you 'break it' it vanishes into thin air, you haven't done anything meaningful with it. Anything meaningful that you can account for, just like that it is useless.

Modern day dating is very complicated. You are neither here or there; at one point you're dating someone who isn't dating you, at times you're dating just to complete the adulthood cycle. Those of us who have received heart breaks from all corners of the world congregate in the self love corner busy posting photos on Instagram captioned #SelfLove as they date themselves. Another cohort is sick and tired of dating members of their opposite sex championing for the LGBT movements as feminists suffocate us with the all men are trash shenanigans including their fathers, brothers and cousins.

Single motherhood is a trademark as deadbeat fathers continue to be the main talking point in all platforms formal or informal from mainstream media houses, saloons, baby showers to village barazas. Federation of women lawyers (FIDA) has been hounding men who have abandoned parental responsibilities after enjoying conjugal rights. Relationships are nowadays very complicated for those of us with 'simple' minds and faint hearts that's why I shifted my focus yoghurt; that Lord Delamere yoghurt with real strawberries anytime Satan tries to hoodwink my thoughts so that I text someone's daughter.

The women the church, society and parents want us to marry have become something else, something else that doesn't have a definite descriptive name. They are as elusive as pestilence that walketh in the darkness, forcing men to spend more on pizzas, cakes, bouquets, jewelry, expensive dates and rent for houses they have never seen or lived in.

Women in this country have reduced men to shopping vouchers, vacation offers, rent payers, mortgage providers, fare senders, interior designers, landscapers, car bazaar operators and birthday money service providers without apologies.

Our Cerelac-Weetabix- Pampers generation of men have been socialized as women watching soap operas, playing table tennis and taking part in drama festivals. Yet we wonder why nowadays life is full of drama. Alejhandro in all Mexican soap operas we watch already set a precedent that a man can't be rejected by any woman thus we don't have the guts to stomach rejection thus one can drive himself for more than 600 kilometres to kill a lover before taking his own life. Dear men rejection is inevitable, personally the number of women who have rejected my advances can form a heavy traffic snarl up from Lodwar to Mombasa but I am yet to 'kill' any of them.

I know it may be tough to handle rejection but like failure sometimes, it proves to be a blessing in disguise. When you get rejected, it provides you with another opportunity to do some soul searching on what  may have gone wrong and head back to the drawing board and keep knocking at another door and it may be opened, if it won't be opened move on to the next door. It saves time and resources.

Dear daughters of Eve, it is important to be straight forward with men in your inboxes from the word go. Tell them point blank from the word go you aren't into him or you are going to be a nun instead of taking them round in unending circles from Java House, Pizza Inn, Villa Rosa Kempinsky to Sibiloi National Park. When you reject a man, tell him as early as possible so that he packs his bags for Bermuda Triangle as he moves on swiftly to the next patient.

There is no way you can like a man's money and the life that comes with it yet you don't want to be associated with him. When you reject, reject everything and you will stay alive no man with an axe will come to hack you in broad daylight. We have very emotional men; men who 'catch' feelings thanks to soap operas. You don't reject but still squander his time and money.

The same shameless ladies who are lecturing men on how they should handle rejection by accepting and moving on should also lecture their fellow women on how to say no to men and their money or whatever money comes with. How you reject men defines you as a woman.

SALON MURDER

Bottomline: Cartoons bring children together,football brings men together, corruption brings politicians together, what really brings women together?

Curtains have finally come down, the regular football season is over, she knows it, thus I have no reason to sneak out to spend time with the boys. Football the mother of all 'evils' is often a good excuse of not staying home during the weekend, now that the season is over I have no concrete reason of stepping out unless I create another excuse, another excuse such as being a die hard Formula one and Dubai Grand Prix spectator. An excuse she wouldn't buy anyway.....

For three months I am just going to be around her the whole weekend, don't get me wrong I love her but being around her for two days full time (Saturday and Sunday) is a bit hectic and unbearable considering all the shenanigans that come with it. Unless I want a combination of high blood pressure, ulcers and heart attack; only those in such an arrangement known as marriage can understand my current position.

Weekend with my boys whom she has constantly accused of being bad influences towards my overall character since they aren't married or have serious girlfriends. Her main worry is their womanizing nature; changing girlfriends faster than hairstyles, would I join the club of changing women or have I began the process already she wondered though she never bothered to ask me directly. She always hinted that in case she found out I had mistresses all over like them (my boys) she would leave, never to come back again.

I will only be seeing her on Viusasa. You will have to choose between me and them, she often threatened once in a while when I insist we were going to watch football at a local joint, just football I always promised though I am always dropped home when I am drunk beyond recognition...

You have to be focused since you are now a family man she would picket as I find my way to our marital bed few minutes before darkness paves way for the sun. You just went to watch football she would satirically comment as she clicks closing the main door after I come in. Your food is already on the table just open the hot pot the food is there. How could I eat when I had filled my stomach with roasted meat, nyama choma?

So I always went to sleep slumbering to dreamland as her faint remonstrating vents of how she got married to cook chicken not to cook for chicken. The food will be given to chicken anyway, I wasn't touching it by the way. This had been the cycle during the regular soccer season, now I had no reason to go out with the boys, with what excuse anyway. Weekend zero grazing mode was now 100% activated, I would be around and about the house during all weekends for about three months, until next season.

That wasn't going to be a problem at least I would get time to bond with my five month son whom I haven't had time with since he was brought forth to this Chinese debt ridden country of theirs, or is it ours now. Considering I misused the 14 day paternal leave I was accorded when he was born I thought this would be the perfect time to make up for the 14 days ( 2 days in 12 weeks that's a total of 24 days daddy-baby familiarization tour).

Personally I can't remember how I spent the 14 days, anyway I was going to make it up to him, I just remember lying to her how my employer doesn't take into consideration that 'nonsense' called paternal leave.

What really bothers women? They can't just give you peace even when you are peaceful. On the first full weekend home with no footballing action I opted for the daddy-baby familiarization tour which had already been conceptualized as a way of passing time when referees are on vacation. All of a sudden she pops up from nowhere with her nonsensical shenanigans throwing tantrums of how I have not been there for her as I used to when were dating.

As berserk as she was I opted not to engage in a war of words I wasn't going to win under normal room temperature and pressure. I normally don't listen to her tantrums, if I was the listening type maybe this marriage would have been dead and buried long ago. My attention was elsewhere as she addressed herself thinking she was addressing me, inattentive I was to the extent that I agreed to accompany her to the salon unknowingly.

It's our time to go now, she said as she took the child and handed him to the house help. Our time to go, where I asked myself as I picked the car keys from the table. So here I was accompanying her to the salon. The last time I was made to perform such a maneuver was some 3 years ago, that was when she was a girlfriend before she was promoted to her current position. That time I just dropped her and went to pick her later in the day, today I was to drop her, wait for her to be braided, manicured and pedicured.

This could take some significant time, so I bought a newspaper to read as time tortoised by. I couldn't wait inside the salon so I excused myself as I requested for an extra seat to be placed at the veranda. The seat was brought, though I never expected them to have an extra seat for me to 'idle' on as I read the day's newspaper. I banked on the unavailability of the seats considering how salons are usually filled to capacity over weekends.I couldn't get a valid excuse to go for an unsanctioned tour at a nearby joint. My escape plan was aborted, I had to sit out with my cap at an angle of 130 degrees to hide my face from anyone who might be familiar.

The chilling weather wasn't doing me any favors, I left the house donning shorts which was part of my default weekend starter-pack, dozing off after I had read out the newspaper wasn't an option. So I just sat there wondering what kind of test this daughter of Delilah was putting a descendant of Samson through.

Turning to my phone for solace, I was welcomed with the battery low alert which sent it automatically to power saver mode. I was stranded, I couldn't take my phone inside for charging so I returned it to my pocket. It will be a very long day indeed......

As time turtled by, my attention was drawn by their topic of discussion or is it gossip area.I pretended to doze off so that they won't censor the topic or talk in coded language that will make it very difficult for me to decipher the information. One client brought up the topic on how to deal with a husband who is a serial cheat with multiple clandestine lovers. She claimed to be asking for a friend, but women being women they can't ask for such a 'spiritual guidance' on behalf of a friend. Their selfish nature can't allow them to go to that level for a friend no matter how close they are. She was asking for herself but using her friend as a scapegoat.

She knew details of the clandestine lovers; their names, ages, what they do to eke out a living, how often they are visited by the hubby to where they live. Yet she was asking for a friend somehow. The clientele and saloonists started sharing ideas on how her 'friend' may deal with the situation from individually paying a visit to the MPKs (Mpango Wa Kandos) side dishes accompanied by well dressed fearfully created thugs who have private faces threatening them with 'I will Kill you if you continue sleeping with my husband' to witchcraft all coming with referrals and success stories of clients who did that making their husbands tore the line making their marriages a bed of roses.

Ideas continued to flow on how to take care of the situation some were berserk as they entailed tit for tat antics like acquiring toyboys who will be servicing her as revenge for the randy ways of her husband. I listened on as women (mis)Advised each other as I waited for my wife to chip in her contribution that will bring sanity to the topic that was not savoury. My wishes were granted; cometh the hour, cometh the woMAN.

"I can't be stressed by a person who has 32 teeth, If I were her I would just buy poison which will be used to spice up his food dealing with the nuisance once and for all. After which I will bribe the pathologist who will carry out the autopsy to write on the post-mortem examination that he died of a mild heart attack." Her contribution was brief and out of this world it made me to wake up from my perceived slumber, go inside the salon request that it was our time to leave though she hadn't finished yet.

We drove home without talking to each other, she thought I had embarrassed her by hurriedly asking her to leave the salon though deep down my perception towards her had changed forever from today henceforth I wasn't going to eat food served on my plate when I come home late, I would rather wake my son up so that he can have a bite. I wasn't taking chances.

LESSONS FROM TOUR de CAIRO

Bottomline: An underrated talent who made Tottenham midfield enforcer, Victor Wanyama look like a Kariobangi Sharks player.

Personally I never expected Harambee Stars to qualify for the last 16, any Kenyan who had a contrary thought is a pretender. Harambee stars never disappoint, how on earth did you expect them to edge out either Senegal or Algeria to the last 16. Football might be an unpredictable sport though;Peru stunned a star studded Chilean contingent 3-0 to reach the Copa America final just the other day and The Penguins of Madagascar exorcised the Nigerian demons of age forgery to top Group B.

The two are not isolated Peru qualified for the 2018 World Cup at the expense of Chile,Paraguay and Ecuador. The Peruvian side is also not short of depth within their ranks boasting  seasoned players led by their talismanic skipper Paolo Guerrero Gonzales (35), Yoshimar Yotún Flores (29), André Carrillo (28) and the injured Jefferson Farfan (34). As for The Barea they have to thank Ahmad Ahmad for putting in place structures that have made their football flourish since he took the reins at the Malagasy Football Federation in 2003.

Our goose was cooked the moment teams were pooled in groups no amount of overseas training at the shores of the Mediterranean or warm up matches would have changed our fate.
We did our best escorting Senegal and Algeria to the last 16 as we converged in one corner table with our Tanzanian brothers to debate who between their star forward Mbwana Samatta and Engineer Michael Olunga is the best goal poacher in the region. Olunga 2-1 Samatta that was the result.

Lessons from tour de Cairo;

There is Only one Johanna Omollo; Calm,composed and collected he was the one pulling strings for Harambee Stars in the midfield. An underrated talent who made Tottenham midfield enforcer, Victor Wanyama look like a Kariobangi Sharks player. Migné realized he blundered opting for Kahata ahead of Cercle Brugge Omollo in the starting eleven. His introduction in the second half in the first match against Algeria proved he was a costly commission.
Harambee Stars Midfield Maestro Johanna 'Tosh' Omollo shielding the ball against  Algerian opposition[/caption]

Football commentators and pundits have continuously mixed up the two Johannas in the squad Erick Johanna Omondi the former Mathare United man and Johanna Ochieng Omollo the midfield linchpin from Dandora. There is only one Johanna Omollo the other one is Erick Omondi so stop the confusion please.

Club vs Nation; When one stars for club it doesn't necessarily mean he will transfer his form to the national side. We have seen stars who have failed to replicate their club form at the national team,Lionel Messi tops the list. Francis Kahata, Victor Wanyama, Philemon 'Mbish' Otieno and David 'Calabar' Owino were culprits in Cairo.

Zambian League is a Scam; Sébastien Migné might be wrong about many things but he is right about the Zambian Premier League, it's a scam. Jesse Jackson Were's omission stirred a lot of public debate but the performance of Musa Mohammed and David Owino who are top defenders in that league proves he was right. Who wouldn't score 30 league goals with such defenders? We should only allow copper miners to ply their trade in Zambia not footballers.

Amina is exceptional; love or loathe her,give credit where it's due. We all remember the kinds of memes that went around when Ambassador, Dr. Amina Mohamed was given lighter duties at the Sports ministry replacing 'boxer' Rashid Echessa after it appeared the shoes of Dr. Fred Matiang'i were too big for her to fill. Her organizational skills are definately exceptional we all know what she did when she was at foreign affairs. The preparation for the tourney were top notch there were no complains arising flight delays, accommodation and allowances.

For the first time Harambee Stars had a training camp in Europe, foreign players arrived on time and no one is complaining about unpaid allowances. Nigeria with all their oil had go slows over unpaid allowances, Cameroon,Uganda and Zimbabwe also had go slows over unpaid allowances. Amina has that magic touch everything she touches turns to gold.

Toothless Sharks; With all due respect FKF President Nick Mwendwa should stop forcing toothless sharks (former and current) down the throat of national team. Masoud Juma, Ovella Ochieng' and John Oyemba only went to collect allowance in Egypt. Migné in his right mind knew he couldn't play the trio under whatever circumstances but for the sake of his job he had to tag them along. Sony Sugar custodian Kevin Omondi is far much better compared to Oyemba, Jesse Jackson Were despite playing in the Zambian league is better than goal shy Al-Nasr Benghazi forward Masoud Juma who hasn't scored a goal in 8 months.

[ Joseph Okumu and Michael Olunga in a training session[/caption]

Bright Future; we still have brighter prospects of qualifying for the 2022 FIFA World Cup in Qatar. Going forward we should build our attack around Olunga and John Avire, our defence around Joseph Okumu and Erick 'Marcello' ; and  our midfield around Johanna Omollo and Ayub Timbe.

Big Names No Game; Our big name players never rose up to the ocassion as they did during the qualifiers. With Joash 'The Berlin Wall' Onyango injured hopes for clean sheets were dim though it provided the opportunity for Joseph 'Crouch' Okumu to show Kenyans what he is capable of. Wanyama was missing in action as he played conservatively touching the ball sparingly thinking about his place in the future plans of Mauricio Roberto Pochettino now that Tanguy Ndombele has just arrived from Lyon ,Philomen 'Mbish' Otieno was nursing Gor Mahia hangovers always absent minded and full of kindergarten errors whereas Aboud Omar wasn't anywhere close to the Aboud Omar we know.

Concentration is King, Communication is Queen; Most of the goals we conceded were due to lack of concentration and miscommunication. Philemon 'Mbish' Otieno and Patrick Matasi were always at loggerheads at the back with Matasi constantly shouting 'Mbish' all the time as Wanyama and Omino who were supposed to engineer everything defensively weren't communicating at all. Matasi always switched off at the begining or end of the match something he needs to work on.

Tribal lenses; When we lose its because of Raila Odinga visited the Stars prior to their match against the Desert Foxes and people from Western Kenya who are mostly his supporters forming 99.999% of the national team. But when we win its a Kenyan win, when we hammered Magufuli's boys. This madness of sacrificing patriotism on the alter of tribalism should end mostly on social media, lets not tribalize sports which is talent based.

National Selection; Squad selection should be based on natural selection not under hand maneuvers and past achievements. Some deserving players such as Sony Sugar custodian Kevin Omondi, Ulinzi Stars forward Enosh Ochieng, talismanic Bandari forwards Abdallah Hassan and Yemi Mwana. Spineless Sébastien Migné bends into the whims of Football Kenya Federation (FKF) President and Kariobangi Sharks owner, Nick Mwendwa selecting under-deserving Kariobangi Sharks players to please his paymaster. Who picks two goalkeepers from one club to be part a national team John Oyemba and his back up Brian Bwire as part of a 30 man provisional squad, who does that?

Bring Back Adel Amrouche; We need a coach who has a deeper understanding when it comes to African football for us to have any chances of qualifying for the 2022 World Cup or even qualifying for the knockout stages in the 2021 African Cup of Nations. If we stick with Sébastien Migné qualifying for the 2021 AFCON will be a pipe dream for he is a man who is rudderless,clueless,spineless and gutless full of guesswork. He never had a first eleven as he continuously changed the starting eleven.

Master tactician Adel Amrouche[/caption]

This shows a coach who doesn't have a plan, the only plan that made stars to qualify for the 2019 tourney were put in place by Paul Put whom FKF (Football Kenya Federation) couldn't ensure he stays put due to salary issues, look at the magic he has done with Guinea, they are in the AFCON knockout. The last time we came close to qualifying for the world cup was when Adel Amrouche,a master tactician made all sorcerers to be called into action as we held Nigeria to a 1-1 draw in Calabar as they scampered for survival.Bring Back Amrouche.....

Positive Criticism; Those who had 'wet dreams' that Harambee stars were going to reach the knockout stages at least were certainly a disappointed lot. Personalizing insults towards individual players calling them unprintable names isn't how to go about the disappointment. Instead opt for constructive positive criticism not insults; these players have mothers,wives and children, how do you think they feel when you hurl abuses towards them for (mis)representing their country.

SONS OF PHARAOH; DATING SUPERMODELS VS MARRYING DRAGONS

Bottomline: You have no apology for marrying an ‘ugly’ wife ; one only wears a shoe that fits his feet not oversize or undersized ones.Furthermore beauty fades with time, you owe no one a beautiful wife.

I have been to weddings, multiple weddings some as an invited guest but mostly as an accompanying guest (accompanying the real invited guest) though sometimes  I attend weddings to break dietary monotony.

When was the last time I talked to a butcher ,the last time I ate meat in a homely setup was when I visited my folks otherwise since I moved out of my parents house the closest I have come to a meaty meal is Sossi, yes Sossi that convenient nutrient rich carefully selected natural soybeans from Promasidor Group. If it looks like meat then its meat….

Who is marrying who is none of my business as long as there are  beautiful view only women in the lineup; the bridesmaids and food yes food I don’t usually have the once in a lifetime opportunity to sample on an ordinary day. The women in the lineup don’t matter much if the food is ‘FOOD’ since they are on a view only format thanks to their revealing marry me next please attires.

Furthermore where will I get their numbers even if I was interested I won’t be there for the evening after party ,however, as for the food there are no two ways about it. What happens at the serving point is between me and the caterer in-charge.

Here I was attending my first wedding as an active participant in the lineup as a groomsman. We all have that one friend whom we will escort to the altar willingly or unwillingly considering his number of night outs with the crew are bound to reduce drastically more so if he is the one who caters for ‘drinks na mayengs’.

I had to come through for my guy though I prefer being in the guest tent as an ordinary guest. Being in the lineup as part of the bridal party restricts your ability to sample what the wedding has to offer culinary-wise as you will be seated at the high-table consuming what has been served whilst complaining to yourself internally though its the best food according to the service provider standards.

What they don’t know is I only eat animal proteins in such settings ‘nyama haipandwi’, meat isn’t planted. Either way I will make private arrangements with the caterer for special treatment upfront.

Thanks to the lineup which is a through pass, I have a clear sight on goal; personally requesting for the digits of any bridesmaid of choice thanks to the unlimited platform and conducive enabling environment spending a lot of time together planning the wedding from selection of songs,vetting service providers,practicing dance moves for those of us with two left legs to which photo shoot ground will blend better with the wedding attire.

Here we were, at least one of my close friends was getting married unlike women who gossip men exchange and compare notes. He had surprised all of us from his pool of beautiful girlfriends he choose the unlikely one, the one who was bottom of the table. One who we have never gone out with,one we had never seen. Just like other guests we saw her properly during the wedding she was 90% absent during the wedding preparation period attending two or is three committee meetings.

We all knew he was on multiple tariffs but he chose a tariff that none of us expected, ours was to support him fully not to question his decision just to accompany him to the alter.  His Wife+His choice= His Life……

Although he later explained to us during his bachelor’s night that one only wears shoes that fit him not oversize or undersize ones in his words ‘mtu huvaa kiatu inamtosha si ile itamfinya au kubwa kuliko mguu yake.’Furthermore beauty fades with time, you owe no one a beautiful wife.

After which we will do the damage control as part of the bro code, explaining to the trail of disappointed girlfriends left behind. How we were also caught unawares by his decision as we were only invited for the wedding as guests in the last minute coincidentally we had bought similar attires somehow. Only to be told by one of his estranged girlfriends how Kenyan men are the 8th wonder of the world; they date supermodels only to marry dragons.

GRACE TO GRASS

Bottomline: Gambling was a rich man’s play till the entry of online gambling which is open to all as opposed to the traditional casino gambling which was a preserve of the rich.Sports betting has proven overtime to be a poor man’s pain and a rich man’s profit

On my way home after a busy day running necessary errands in the city, I rarely go to the city unless when it is very necessary. As I strolled home after alighting at the bus stop, down here we call it a stage. An aroma of roasted maize provoked my appetite forcing me to make an impromptu stop over at one of the many roast-maize stands in the neighborhood.

It had been a while since my teeth were put to test on their sharpness on matters grinding in a chewing exercise, I don’t remember the last time I chewed maize or sugarcane.So I joined the already long human that was building up waiting for their maize of choice to be charcoal customized to their specific heat temperatures.

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The human traffic at the stand mostly comprised of middle aged women and men in their sunset years, this was not a sponsor meet up point by the way. I later learnt from Tosh (at least that’s how they were calling him) roasted maize had numerous health benefits not limited preserving healthy skin,lowering blood sugar and cholesterol levels, during pregnancy, energy enhancer, miracle for those who are underweight and reducing the risk of anemia.

Now I understood the customers demographics, many were there thanks to medical recommendations from their personal doctors to mitigate or avert a potential medical condition.

Tosh was too polished and well informed I could tell from the way he handled his clientele so I thought unemployment forced him to heat condition monocotyledons uniformly for a living. In this country thanks to the ever rising unemployment levels finding a university graduate doing those odd menial graduate ‘trainee’ jobs isn’t news. Last time a first class honors holder in bachelor’s degree in economics and statistics Ruth Jemutai was doing menial jobs back at her village in Baringo only for her plight to be highlighted by the media.

We all know of that graduate friend or relative somewhere who is selling insurance,brokering sand,vending water, teaching at a local high school as an untrained teacher, extorting matatus and touting with a Bachelors of Science degree in Computer Science and Statistics or those difficult courses we pursue at university level where getting supplementaries is normal yet they managed a clean second class honors upper division.

A few metres from his stand there was a group of motorbike riders busy analyzing the Midweek jackpot in their bid to be the country’s next millionaire. They were arguing amongst themselves each trying to come up with a list of 13 possible outcomes that are likely to propel them out of poverty.

“They do this every Monday and Tuesday for the midweek jackpot and from Thursday to Saturday mid morning when they analyze the mega jackpot. No one ever wins only two of them have managed to get bonuses which they blew away on women and alcohol.” You know how these ‘nduthi’ people (Motorbike riders) have a high affinity to skirts and alcohol as a leisure activity. Even when they win huge amounts of money their lives remain the same, only disappearing for a few days after they have won the cash before coming back with stories of how they don’t know where money they won disappeared to.

Most of them are employed by businessmen who hire out motorbikes expecting Ksh 500 everyday which is peanuts considering the amounts they make thanks to the pervasiveness of the motor bikes in the transport industry. Some make close to Ksh 3,000 a  day but live in abject poverty thanks to gambling. Imagine someone taking part in all those quick money making platforms from Lotto, Tatua, Sportpesa, Betin to Betpawa.

Listen to me young man I too had gambling problems that made me lose everything I had in life from family to investments. During my daily interactions with customers many of whom have continuously questioned why I appear to be well informed yet am roasting maize on the roadside. I never like talking about the circumstances that catapulted me to my present situation.

What started as a simple way to make cash having been introduced by a friend to sports betting I started out placing bets with small amounts. My first bets were coming through as I rarely lost, then the devil started talking as I listened carefully to his marching orders. Before I knew it I was placing bets with more than Ksh 100,000 a day. At first the returns continued to trickle in as the money doubled after just 90 minutes of ‘patience’.

It was a good investment, my wife questioned where the money was coming from being the christian she was I couldn’t mention anything close to gambling. I told her it was from some business deals I did sometime back. As lame as the answer was she let it go without follow up questions on the nature of the business though her face had many question marks.

Things took a turn when I started to lose bets I thought were ‘sure’ bets back to back ‘kweli mpira hudunda’ football has unpredictable outcomes. The more I lost the more the urge to increase my stakes boiled inside me. Driven by emotions and not reason I continued to place more bets to recover what I lost. I kept on losing back to back until I started gambling with our entire life savings, when the savings were depleted I jumped ship to school funds. We had a private school in Pipeline estate,Nairobi which was doing well it was valued to close to Ksh 4 million.

My wife started noticing behavioral changes, I became angry over nonsensical issues spending more time in bars as I followed matches closely waiting for my investments to mature, some came through most didn’t. Before I could realise I had started taking alcohol to see me through the midnight and 2 am South American soccer fixtures. Little did I realise I was drifting away from my family completely becoming a stranger.

My wife at one point confronted me about my spending when she realized our savings account was drained,cash from the school account had been withdrawn and some electronics were missing from the house. This confrontation was heated as we verbally exchanged abuses, since I wasn’t winning this shouting competition I hit her to shut her up of which she did only for her to wake up the following day packed her bags as she took off with the children.

I had no time to go after her, there are many women outside here who are looking for men to take up their surnames, so I consoled myself. Furthermore there were more pressing financial issues that need to be sorted out through additional investments and proper analysis of upcoming games, this time there will be no room for mistakes.

Her exit from my life was the final nail in my coffin, the school was bankrupt as the bank towed two Nissan Matatus which were school vans as parents pulled out their children from my school considering the deteriorating academic levels. I could not pay the teachers thus they left in droves, the school was officially under receivership so it had to close down. An investment built over years through shear sweat,pain and struggle had gone down the drain in no time.

This addiction made me to sell all my electronics including my phone at a through away price as I orchestrated a major comeback which never materialized. Everything was lost I moved from a two bedroom house in Tassia estate, Embakasi to a single room in Pipeline which I struggled with rent. My life had taken an unexpected turn, I even started gambling in those Chinese coin operated gambling machines since I couldn’t afford online sports betting.

With no income generating activity, no money to gamble I turned to friends and relatives for financial bail outs to bankroll my already scaled down gambling activities with a promise of paying up soon, a promise I never honored thus I was shunned away. Trying to contact my wife proved futile,like a bird she had flown away she never wanted anything to do with me hiding my children away.

I turned to menial jobs to make ends meet, this was my turning point thats why am here selling roasted maize. Never again will I turn to gambling as a way of getting quick money, you too should keep away from gambling activities there is no shortcut to riches.

Gambling companies only show you the glamorous side of the story they want you to buy whereby a few people have won ‘small’ amounts of cash running in millions not the other ugly side of the story where millions have lost billions struggling to finance this addiction. Have you seen any support centre for people with gambling addiction in this country? But we have mental institutions everywhere to deal with mental illnesses !!!

Our short cut mentality to riches provides fertile breeding ground for the gambling industry to thrive in this country with new gambling companies sprouting everyday. Media adverts today have 90% gambling content with gambling companies competing to outshine each other suffocating radio stations, television networks, websites, blogs, magazines and newspapers with their ‘Overnight Millionaires tales’ and other short stories.

Out of 10 billboards in this country seven are advertising gambling activities, two are marketing alcoholic drinks and that remaining one is for the remaining sectors of our economy. How do you expect hardworking youths yet their continuous exposure to gambling messages has zombified them already?

Like religion gambling offers hope, in a society where youths don’t fit anywhere politically,socially and economically they turn to gambling which offers hope for upward economic and social mobility when you win the jackpot, maybe you will gain political superiority if you wish to get into politics. In this country one can’t be elected to any political office with empty pockets.

Almost forgot to mention I told him to “keep change’ (balance) to promote his hustle as I walked home grinding the maize pondering how devastating gambling can turn one’s life inside out…….

COMMUNITY HUSBANDS

Bottomline: His ‘riff raff’ extended family that continuously micromanages your marriage from what is being cooked in the kitchen to what is being served in the bedroom.

Marriage if very complicated in the Traditional African set up when you apply modern day mannerisms. The more you try shifting to modernity the more things remain the same hence you end up being frustrated bitterly walking away with a train of kids on your back thanks to your community husband and his ‘riff raff’ extended family that continuously micromanages your marriage from what is being cooked in the kitchen to what is being served in the bedroom.

The last time this term made international headlines was when Citizen TV news anchor Lilian Muli went berserk throwing tantrums at Shabana FC boss Jared Nevaton Ombogi all over social media accusing him of being a community husband thanks to his ‘promiscuity’ or is it having many women in his life before announcing she is single and back in the dating market in a long Instagram post full of ‘Kizungu Mingi na catwalk’, cat-walking English in short.

This clearly shows she hasn’t met the real community husbands of our generation. The day she will encounter a real community husband she will stop her vagrancy running back to Nevaton on her knees begging to be taken back since dealing with her version of a community husband is better than handling the real community husband with the following baggage;

Brother who never leaves; There is this brother who moved in three or four years ago, immediately after college yet he has refused to move out even after your husband secured him a Ksh 30,000 job through a longtime friend two months after his college course.

Insisting that he is still saving as he looks for a three bedroom house whose rent ranges between Ksh 5,000- Ksh 8,000 in the city, in short he is not boarding anytime soon. He never contributes anything towards the household budget. He has never bought salt or refilled the gas.

His habit of putting his feet on the sitting room’s table or your favorite sofa set as he complains how the stew isn’t tasty enough, has a lot of salt, your chapatis aren’t round enough as her mother’s and the tea has more water than milk ; such ‘compliments’  coming from a person who doesn’t have a girlfriend.

Knocking on your door in the wee morning hours back from his Friday drinking spree shouting your name continuously blabbering “Anne,Anne open my brothers house.”  She keeps on reminding you that everything in that house belongs to his brother forgetting that you hustled together with that brother of his from a single room in Kangemi to your current four bedroom house in Lavington.

Every-time you have a minor disagreement over nonsensical issues like why he left his socks on the dining table he reminds you of how many cows ‘they’ allegedly herded to your parents house to secure your housewife services in the name of bride price. Furthermore this mongrel expects you to do his laundry, ‘change’ his diapers, wash his hands before and after meals as if he married you, NKT.

Slay Sister; Her campus slay queen sister visits every weekend without fail as she comes to collect shopping and pocket money. She signs in your house every Wednesday evening as soon as her weekly lectures are over only to sign out on Monday morning as you both leave for work, she is dropped off at the college main entrance.

She can’t wash dishes, clear the table after every meal, clean the house, assist you in preparing meals or even do her brother’s laundry yet there is a washing machine. Every time you ask for her help in performing general household duties she will give you that gazing top down look asking you “Were we married together” clearly communicating to you she was no part of your wedding give away.

Lying on the sofa-set all day as you are placed under Telenovela arrest walking around with the TV remote even visiting the washroom with it. She hides the remote whenever she goes to sleep ensuring you only watch what she wants.The only time you are friends is when your husband, her brother gives you money to visit the salon for hairstyle change,manicure and pedicure services.

The only way to get rid of her is asking Satan ‘Saitan’ to send a guy driving a Subaru living somewhere in Lang’ata to confuse her before placing her in the family way (make her pregnant) after which you will put her in your daily prayers so that the guy marries her thus leaving your house for good never to return again.

Battalion of Uncles; who regularly make him the chief guest in all funeral committees,dowry payment mobilization and clan fundraisers. His salary is committed to many clan undertakings putting a lot of strain to your family finances. All their expenditure revolves around his salary turning him to a zombie as they remotely control him thus prioritizing their needs whereas his family welfare comes last.

Your children school fees will always be paid in the last minute after you have made a lot of noise prompting him to pay up so that you shut up. Buying only the ‘necessary’ household shopping in small quantities a situation that occasionally culminates to the running out of matchsticks, sugar, cooking oil and salt before month end. This sort of arrangement is responsible for stagnation of upward financial mobility which has entrenched poverty in the society.

Trooping Aunts; are busy looking for a second wife thanks to your refusal of adding more kids each to be named after them and their husbands, his uncles. Before you were married they used to be bought ‘Kitenges’ and other assorted goodies by your husband every time he visited the countryside. Your entry into his life has complicated matters as they no longer get the assorted city goodies yet you have refused to give life to more than three children due to the current changing economic dynamics which they won’t understand no matter how you try to explain using both diagrams and illustrations.

This is viewed as a strategy (if you are from a different community) to suffocate the community’s numbers ahead of the next general elections hampering their already pregnant chances of clinching the Presidency. They will often lament how your work is just to fatten up eating his resources.

Shameless Cousins; who call daily asking for everything that crosses their minds from salt,sugar flour, dowry payment boost, rent arrears, school fees, money to treat a sick dog or buy nappier grass to feed some cow back at their rural home. They always believe your husband MUST help them all the time failure to which all the blame will be heaped on you for allegedly inciting him against them yet you weren’t there when they were suffering with him.

They will oftenly accuse you of using a combination of witchcraft,black magic, African Chemistry and Voodoo to blindfold their cousin as you have sat on a ‘Chapati’ before feeding it to him (when he refuses to help) thus controlling him like a puppet every time they meet during the annual December family gatherings forgetting you are a very spiritual woman with a fortified Roman Catholic background.

Flotilla of nephews and nieces; who are sent a week to the opening day to blackmail him every now and then by his extended family so that he writes a school fee cheque, gives pocket money and do some serious shopping as they go back to resume their academic sessions.

Failure to financially commit will lead to undertones of how arrogant he is after they sacrificed their resources as a family, clan and community for him to reach where he is today. “If it wasn’t for us right now he wouldn’t have gone to the city where he found that lady he lives (YOU) with who diverts all of his resources to their homestead and her relatives,” they will lament.

Clinging choice; Every man has this woman he was supposed to marry until another woman came in the line of fire ‘spoiling’ the arithmetic forcing the man to abdicate the commitment,retract implicating statements before making a tan(theta) U-turn towards the other woman whom she marries, this woman is you.

She will take advantage of the cosy relationship she enjoys with his family as she was the wife apparent before you brought about confusion. She will be pushed by his aunts,uncles,cousins and mother in law to increase her efforts in taking back what was rightfully hers by snatching him away from you thus she calls daily pretending she is troubled and only he can sort her out if they meet urgently.

Possessive Mother in law; who hates you for stealing her favorite son whom she hasn’t let go and isn’t willing to let go anytime soon thus she will always pick fights for no good reason. Stating how his son has lost a lot of weight thanks to your poor kitchen skills which has lowered his productivity in the bedroom yet it is obvious from his #TBT photos you have over performed to the extent his close friends think you are a magician after cleaning him thoroughly.

Indecisive Father in law; who is never in control of anything thus fence sitting allowing nature to take its course. He never intervenes when you are under siege as long as his wife has said North its North even when in actual sense its South. He only calls his son when he needs money to quench his booze thirst.

Panel of Village elders; burdening him with community projects from drilling boreholes, tree planting, gabion building, title deed processing Et al. Failure to engineer these projects will be seen as disrespect to elders thus he will be cursed before being banished from the community leaving him with no option but toeing the line.

Swarming village-mates; who expect him to pay school fees for every child who joins a national school or proceeds to any institution of higher learning be it a college or university. They assume this is his responsibility as he owes the village after they fund-raised for him when he joined university. Were it not for the ‘Harambee’ fundraiser he would have seen everything university on ViuSasa.