Friday 28 December 2018

ACADEMIC FIRES…..

When Dr. Fred Matiang’i left the Ministry of Education for the Ministry of Interior and Coordination of National Government where he had been the cabinet secretary for close to two years overseeing rapid transformation of an ailing sector where exam cheating was idolized,manipulation of results through ‘standardization’ was normalized and exam leakage was the order of the day. He reigned on cartels who had formed a formidable partnership with principals in exam manipulation skewing the field to favor the haves at the expense of the have nots.
The education sector was in shambles, it shifted from being a process to an outcome the A madness had taken over. Principals focused on amassing as many A’s as possible so that they can receive backdoor kickbacks from parents who were hell-bent at ensuring their children went to those A schools, the ones that almost everyone got an A with a few confused elements getting A- and B+ dragging the school mean score to 11.7 or thereabouts. Everyone in this tier one schools made it to campus with a high bargaining power for the top courses be it Medicine,Architecture or Engineering through the government self sponsored programme (GSSP), which is heavily subsidized by the government saving their respective parents of shouldering the burden of the parallel programme which was lucrative to both the private and public universities. Money from parallel programmes run public universities whereas they are the sole reason private universities are in business.Without adequate ‘raw materials’ then both will be in huge problems.
The departure of CS Matiang’i who had successfully managed to interfere with the business of producing A’s in the national examinations of 2016 where all students who got C+ and above were entitled for GSSP programs in university as opposed to B plain in previous years. The number of students who got the C+ and above was less than 90,000 yet in the previous years the number was as high as 150,000. There were mixed reactions from various quarters but majority of Kenyans were happy with the reforms which exposed the rot at the sector that saw taxpayers money lost by students who changed causes midway due to difficulties to cope up with the pace whereas needy deserving students were technically locked out from their preferred academic courses.
The Kenya National Examinations Council (KNEC) was the ‘Bermuda Triangle’ of exam mischief, results went in as A’s only to come out as B’s whereas C’s came out as A’s as long as your parent,principal or school could reach a favorable agreement within the bureaucrats at Mtihani. The appointment of ‘Mr. No fear No Favor’ Professor George Magoha a no nonsense person since his days as Vice Chancellor of The University of Nairobi as the chairman of the institution breath new life to an institution that was dead. His tag team partnership with Dr. Matiang’i smoked out rogue exam administrators ending the everyone gets an A madness that was against the normal distribution curve.
The credibility of the 2017 national exams, Kenya Certificate of Secondary Education (KCSE) wasn’t brought to sharp focus like in 2016 where it was given a clean bill of health since Kenyans were more concerned with elections, Dr. Matiang’i was handling two ministries Education and Interior, business was bad for private universities and pressure was very high for some principals to bounce back thus there were rumors that some schools got undue advantage in the ensuing academic competition. There are deep suspicions that some ‘big’ schools already have the exam leakage and are in the process of coming up with a marking schemes that will be duplicated to their answer sheets at the opportune time raising their mean score.This suspicion is what is causing unrest in schools though it is seen as a ‘Luo Nyanza’ region other regions will also join the fray within the next few weeks.Threats by the Directorate of Criminal Investigations (DCI) to include the heinous acts as criminal records that will reflect on their certificates of good conducts and the ministry directive to principals to provide daily reports on the state of affairs in their respective schools won’t contain the situation as exams like elections in this country are a matter of life and death.
Exit CS Matiang’i entry CS Amina Mohammed who has pledged to sustain her predecessors reforms. Her management style is different from Matiang’i hands on approach is what is causing ripples in the sector with students exhibiting madness of coercing principals and teachers to shape up or ship out when it comes to abetting exam cheating. Form four students,parents through the Parent Teachers Association (PTA) and Board of Governors/Directors  have been holding principals at ransom though no principal in his or her right state of mind will come out to say they are under siege as they will be seen as weaklings who lack leadership skills.Those who have refused to shape up have seen their schools closed indefinitely due to torched dormitories and choreographed restlessness.
The media will frame the headlines as ‘Nyanza’ schools on fire, until schools from other regions join the fray by the time the second term is over many schools will be on fire,students will be sent home indefinitely,the media will invite academic experts to put things into perspective with their ever shallow narratives,principals will be under duress to deliver favorable results,public confidence on CS Amina will be at an all time low coupled with poor performance at the national exams this year there will be a public outcry on how she has failed to take control of her ministry forcing her to step aside for lighter duties or transfer to another ministry.The cartels will try influencing her replacement by a ‘friendlier’ cabinet cecretary who will be good for business. Schools are striking because Principals have refused to cooperate in abetting exam cheating everything else is a sideshow that belongs to Ali Baba and the 40 thieves from rape allegations,new school bus alert,we don’t want teacher X and new principal Y, lack of ‘consultation’ to poor diet.

MY FEMALE FRIENDS

The schemer; there is always that one  female friend has an IQ of 140; a master conspirator and seasoned plotter who has a mastery in deploying devious plans that arm twist you to do things according to her way. She is in charge of giving you pieces of advice which end up been beneficial to her as she conspires way ahead on what is in for her and her alone.

I need a favor; she only calls when she needs something from you.Always starting on the defensive by calling you sweet names not limited to boss,chief, chairman,my dearest,sweety in a bid to box you before extracting a favor from you. With non consequential excuses ranging from I lost my phone which had your number to my phone had issues that made me to deactivate and delete everything to create space thus I was not able to contact you earlier before their favorite punchline ‘I need a favor’ statement pops up in the conversation;before you realize she has assigned you a herculean favor that couldn’t be undertaken by the boyfriend,father and sponsor emeritus combined. Not wanting to be regarded as a member of the male species you wear your gentleman mask, undertake the favor after which she disappears without notice or a simple thank you gesture only to resurrect in your inbox or call log after close to six months of giving you a technical black out with another ‘I need a favor’ nonsense.

Madam Calendar;Its Friday, its my birthday, you were to take me out on Saturday, you were to buy me pizza, am to get a new phone next month, we were to go for a road trip, its swimming Wednesday amongst her garbage of shenanigans. All her plans revolve around your wallet and the calendar. You are her shopping voucher and recreation offer thus you are only important when something is about to come up on her clandestine calenderial plans. They are the greatest threat towards upward financial mobility of the boy-child.

Moralist; she has the holier than thou attitude with her usual ‘who does that’ sentence popping up in between conversations. She plays judge,jury,prosecutor,plaintiff and eye witness every time you have a discussion about your personal life stories. She always plays victim at all times even when she is the real villain, her judgmental nature has made her remain single past 30 as she can’t do men who earn less than 50K a month, have not accepted Christ as their personal saviour, don’t drive a Subaru, live at the eastern side of the city, who drink Legend or Kibao alongside other shenanigans on her can’t do list.

Where are you; they always begin their sentences over the phone by ‘ where are you’,Uko wapi shenanigan.They always call you when you are about to act as a spoiler in chief ;personal bodyguard,driver, big brother or small cousin role in a bid to spoil the party for a fellow boy child they don’t personally like but they like what his money has to offer. Twende tukunywe pesa ya huyu mjinga, lets go drink this fools money or nyangau as they often refer to this clique of serious looking men who have deep pockets but kick polio out of Kenya physical appearance; a man is never ugly its either he is handsome,serious or otherwise. With a disclaimer of aki usiniache na yeye, don’t leave me alone with him always popping up in the conversation on your way to the boy child’s prefered destination.

Lifeist; she drinks life from the jar enjoying what life has to offer sharing pictures of her new car, vacation getaway, latest catch, shopping and cinema experience. They live their lives mostly on social media where they splash photos about the lavish lifestyles for all to see.

Begging bowl; be very very careful when someone starts praising you at the beginning of  a conversation. They have that sweet tongue that sings those 30 second praises before turning back to the main agenda of send me credit,buy me lunch,sort me out I will refund within a week, my ATM/Mpesa has issues bail me out or am in a fix and you are the only one who I can turn to.

THE WOMEN WE MARRY……………….

Marriage is the most difficult relation in this world, unlike dating where partners only show the good side of themselves. Ladies have the ability to chameleon their true colors during the dating period only for their real self to resurface immediately the ring is placed on the ring finger. This is when men ask Jesus of Nazareth how the hell did I end up with this person.Here are the kind of women we marry;
Transformer; this is the kind of woman every man whether in his right or wrong senses wishes to marry, she is every mans dream. They are the women who bring positive changes to  a man’s life. They cover your weaknesses with their strengths as they magnify your strengths with their abilities. They change your closet making you more presentable; contribute financial towards joint family investments such as land,farming,real estate and school fees.They offer alternative ideas and care making one a better person thus your net body weight increases from 58 Kgs to 68 Kgs as she maintains your steady diet. She turns the house into a home, the children are well taken care of, all your friends and relatives are free to visit at all times.
Dictator; bossing you around as if she is the husband and you are the wife.When she speaks you listen you are turned into a yes mam zombie.She is the one who makes the rules,budget and determines who gets what and when. She forces you to do the dishes and laundry or else you will sleep on the couch,if you refuse to buy her shenanigans she clean sweeps your house goes back to her parents home.After a series of blackmail messages you compromise for the sake of your children and opt to go get her back only to be met by a battalion of aunts who give you unlimited ultimatums which have dire financial implications. She drives as you sit on the passenger seat when you are lucky enough, when you aren’t lucky enough you use public transport, a matatu  as she uses your car, yes your car to the same destination.
Trophy Wife; the forever young type who is there to be seen. She doesn’t do dishes or laundry for the fear of breaking her nails.Cooking isn’t her thing as onions make her shed tears, the cooking oil might burn her face as hot water might peel her skin off.Changing pampers makes her sic and your child regular cries are your problem . She can’t breastfeed as her breasts will sag forcing you to buy baby formulas and cow milk yet you wonder why your child has cowish tendencies when he grows up. You are the one who carries the child everywhere in a breathable Hipseat baby carrier like a Kangaroo. She uses her parents name after refusing to take up your name even hyphenating it. Her social media handles indicate that she is single as she replaces your face with an emoji or crops you out of any photo you took together. She will never put you as her whats app DP (Display Photo) or status even when its your birthday. Her work is to look good alongside you at functions.
Relative Hater; she believes all your relatives are bad from your mother to your younger brother. They are all nuisances that should should be eliminated with immediate effect.Only her family members deserve to be helped by both of you as they are the good ones. Your mother becomes both a bother and a burden who shouldn’t come visiting even when she seeks specialized treatment in the city. Your children are also banned from visiting your mother, their grandmother as she is a witch who will put a combination of black magic and African Chemistry concoctions in their food killing them instantly.
Spendthrift; she turns you to a shopping voucher and a walking ATM always demanding for financial favors more so when it comes to unnecessary expenditure such as shopping trips with her girls to Dubai, holiday get away to the south coast and going out with girls. You bankroll all her expenditure yet you are not in her list of favorite people, in fact you are at the bottom of the pyramid when it comes to the people she loves hanging around with.Apart from your financial muscle you have nothing else to offer.
Security is very tight; she is the possessive one who calls you more than 20 times a day wanting to know where you are? with whom? What are you doing? and Why are you doing it? She has placed the 6 am to 6 pm curfew rule. You are supposed to be in the house by 6 pm and you are only allowed to leave not earlier than 6 am. She monitors all your social media posts liking all your comments on other perceived ‘prospective’ husband snatchers to remind you that she is watching your moves closely eliminating any form of competition. She checks your phone every hour going through everything in general from your phone book,whats-app,messenger to notes as she seeks to find any smoking gun to any clandestine activity.
Chatter box; she has those never ending mood swings always throwing unnecessary tantrums as she picks useless fights here and there turning minor things into major arguments and bone of contention. She makes you to come in your house early in the morning and leave early, you arrive at  2 am and leave by 5 am to avoid getting into unnecessary arguments. You leave your work at 4 pm only to stay at the nearest drinking spot till 2 am only to sleep at the couch when you return.Your house is turned into Kaduna state with your wife being the Boko Haram commander in charge of regular raids.
Schemer;  a master planner who works around your payslip, all she earns belongs to her and herself all her financial commitments real or perceived will be taken care by your salary be it her salon bills, gym expenses or those merry go rounds ‘chamas’ that you will never hear that it was her turn to receive nor see where the proceeds are invested. She always quotes the 53 Bible verses on the husband being the provider the favorite being 1 Peter 3:7 “Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered”,anytime you ask her to foot any bill even the monthly garbage collection fee which is less than Ksh 1000/=.
Jezebel; like her biblical namesake she has the ability to make you the most hated person not only in your village but also in your clan by extension. No matter how well you might try to portray yourself. She has zero chills she hates everyone who happens to have any type of relation with you be it your friends,relatives,parents or workmates. She locks herself in the master bedroom whenever you have visitors forcing you to take a refresher course in kitchen economics from your bachelor days praying that you won’t cook poison for the visitors putting salt in tea and sugar in rice. You may be forced to lie to your visitors that she is sick as you try to save face for both of you. She is a master implementer of the divide and rule policy as she has the ability to turn all your children against you making you to age bitterly in solitude.
Token; she only loves you when you have money, however, the moment you start experiencing those financial hiccups that push you to the financial off peak season you are no longer bae/babe/honey/hubby. Your title quickly changes from hubby to that person I live with. She despises you,uses parables when she wants to send you a message and cuts off any verbal communication instead she opts to use your children like traditional messengers to carry information to you with the go tell your dad the gas needs refill. Her madness is temporary until you get to your normal financial positioning, the noise comes down she humbles herself, comes back to earth and just like that; Abracadabra you are now being called all the sweet names in alphabetical order babe,bae,honey and hubby until you run out of cash before she switches off to her default token settings just like The Kenya Power tokens. Her love ends where your money ends…

GREENER RUPTURES

Bottomline: I evolved from a domestic worker to a sex toy to be used,misused and abused by all male members of the family from the father to the sons. I resisted for as long as I could but the more I resisted the more they persisted the more it was painful. It came to a point I normalized the pain from the rape.
Every time I come across news stories on television,newspapers, social media or radio concerning African migrant caravans navigating the Sahara desert towards the Mediterranean sea with the hope of a better future, I just tell myself they don’t know what they are getting themselves into.Things might be tougher back home but its better to be poor with dignity than to be rich in disgrace.
News of how flotilla of boats often capsize in the Mediterranean due excess migrants as smugglers aim to make a kill out of desperate and disillusioned youthful migrants who hope for a better life on the shores of Europe. There might be few success stories about how migrant workers have managed to circumnavigate their way up the socio-economic chain the latest being the Malian spiderman Mamoudou Gassama, who was honored by being granted French citizenship thanks to his heroism there are many heartbreaking stories that will be told in the afterlife.
It has been two years since I came back from Muscat,Oman where I had been recruited as a ‘domestic’ worker by a local recruitment agency. After languishing in poverty for a better part of my life, I saw it as an opportunity to uplift my family from the lowest cadre in the social stratification system. The pay was good triple of what domestic workers earn around here,in fact it was even more than what first time graduate employees, diploma or degree holders earn, 500 US dollars as I was meant to believe.
What I wasn’t told is that the recruitment agency and agent had a significant ‘cut’, they pocketed close to half the salary as they sought to reimburse themselves of passport,air ticket and other hidden charges that they couldn’t explain in simple understandable terms, however, all in all it was still far much better than what lower cadre unskilled and semi skilled workers get over here.
On arrival I was picked by a local agent from Muscat International Airport who rarely spoke to me, supposedly he knew I had limited knowledge on Arabic.He just handed me a hijab to cover my hair confiscated my passport and phone though he said it was only temporary as we boarded his vehicle en-route to my new employer at one of the suburbs. I arrived at round 2 pm, the local agent exchanged pleasantries with my employer, a middle aged man who was either in his late 40’s or early 50’s. After the pleasantries I was welcomed into the compound,at last poverty was about to be pushed out of my life, so I thought.
It was a two storey maisonette each floor was home to one of the three wives in this polygamous arrangement with three wives and 19 children 8 boys and 11 girls. I was assigned a store like room that resembled a corridor, I could touch all corners of the room by stretching my arms out.My tiny-dingy room on the ground floor close to the kitchen and laundry area gave me a clear picture of what domestic chores await me. So tiny was the room that it only fitted my mat which acted as a mattress,no room was left to shelter my luggage save for my beddings.
The house was untidy clothes were scattered all over the house, different perfume stenches filled the air giving me a nauseating feeling accompanied with a mild headache, the sink had rotting dishes which were a week or so old. Nothing seemed to be going on as far as cleanliness was concerned.For a moment I was tempted to ask where the previous house manager had gone but I remained tight-lipped not to start off on a wrong foot with my new employer considering it was my ticket out of abject poverty.
Hardly had I settled down when one of the wives,the first one,I could tell from her commanding voice and sense of entitlement,from her choice of words,she never had a choice of words though. She started shouting at me in English to the nearest Arabic language reminding me that this was not a holiday camp I should start dirtying my hands. I started out at the Kitchen clearing the sink of rotting utensils before cleaning up the house from the ground floor up to the second floor. As I did this everyone was deep asleep as I donkeyed myself out till 2 am before blacking out on the floor as I was cleaning up.
The following day a doctor was invited over to carry out some medical tests on me, I cooperated since I presumed it was simply a standard practice for any employer to know the medical condition of the employee. I got some injections which also seemed normal to me then little did I know they were birth control injections which I was given every three months to ensure I don’t become two in one.What was to follow under the cover of darkness from that day henceforth can’t be narrated in printable words.
It became a routine,day in day out I evolved from a domestic worker to a sex toy to be used,misused and abused by all male members of the family from the father to the sons. I resisted for as long as I could but the more I resisted the more they persisted the more it was painful. It came to a point I normalized the pain from the rape.I tried to speak out to the wives about it but none bothered instead they hurled unspeakable insults towards me in particular and towards African domestic workers in general of how immoral and loose we were as we were the ones seducing their sons and husbands to our beds.
I barely slept, the father used to come in first finish what brought him to my humble abode before leaving after which the sons trooped in a systematic sequence from the eldest to the youngest. They never cared whether am on my periods or I will infect them with sexually transmitted diseases. To them I was just a sex playground to experiment with in preparation for their adult life. As tired as I was from the daily chores I couldn’t do anything to stop them at one point I was emotionally drained to an extent that I contemplated suicide as it seemed to be the easiest and only way out.
With no contact with the outside world,no means of getting word out to the local agent who brought me to my oppressors. Nine months down the line,I took one of the boldest step ever,threatening to jump to my death from the second floor if they won’t allow me to depart. I had already made up my mind to jump to my death head first,zero chance of survival it had come to that point. After close to an hour of standoff my handler came in, he had been called with my passport and cell phone.
Within the nine months of torturous ordeal I had never received a cent instead the handler was the one being paid my salary as a proxy.I requested for the contract to be terminated since I had already undergone enough emotional torture, I just wanted to go back home.To my disbelief he agreed to organize for my passage back home at a cost, he slashed a significant amount of my pay but that didn’t bother me considering of importance was life.I stayed at his house for three long days as I waited for him to organize my flight back.At some point I thought he wanted to offer me to another employer considering my visa had 11 months remaining before expiry.
I finally got to the flight and arrived home safely without any physical scars but plenty of emotional scars that always haunt me to date. In my dreams I see everything clearly nothing goes away as much as I try to close this chapter in my life, counselling hasn’t helped much.
All I want to tell our political elites and bureaucrats who are responsible for our under development,economic stagnation through plunder and outright theft of resources in Africa as they take their children to school in Switzerland,wives to shop in Dubai,close relatives to hospital in France,invest in the USA as they go for holidays in The Bahamas whereas they expect to be buried in Africa which is their cementry, Africans are still slaves in the Middle East and Europe thanks to them.

WEEKDAY WEDDING

Bottomline: As a man you are permitted to run out of everything from money to power but never run out of ideas,when you run out of ideas my brother you are about to die always know that, never allow yourself to run out of ideas instead have bad ideas you will be forgiven they are better than having no ideas at all.
The moment you are besieged your 6th sense comes in handy,thoughts of how to maneuver tricky waters on an overloaded boat without capsizing come in fast. Even if it capsizes you are bound to swim to the nearest island,get hold of any floating wreckage or be rescued by a nearby coast guard patrol as long as you make it out alive with minimum scars and scratches. Having promised themselves my hand in marriage on the assumption that I was a community boyfriend and fiance, the fear of my wedding ceremony ending in disarray was very high thus I couldn’t take any chances considering the capabilities of the people who were dating me without me dating them.
My wedding was 100% likely to end in a scuffle at least if I was to be lucky ,however, assuming all factors remaining constant under room temperature and pressure chaos and confusion were likely to walk hand in hand up to the pulpit as I was about to exchange the wedding vows.I was not going to take chances,don’t get me wrong am not the president of baby daddies in this part of the world ,am just well informed that when an African woman decides to seek revenge even the devil takes a stool to sit down and take notes.
No man should take chances yes the humiliation that comes with an aborted wedding can’t be explained neither through words nor emotions maybe through diagrams and illustrations.What will I tell my in-laws? What will I tell my clansmen?, on a second thought I realize I don’t owe these two cohorts of people we know each other any explanation. What will I tell my parents? What did I owe the wedding wreckers for them to come collect during my wedding procession?
Finally there is her, yes the woman of the moment, you all know weddings aren’t for the man in fact all men are forced to take part in this ritual or-else they will know no peace throughout their lives.What explanation will I give her for the melee that brought her lifetime embarrassment considering she had bragged to her clique of friends how she was the first one to be married leaving them in the singleton corner with no hope of getting out anytime soon considering the battalion of jokers who masqueraded as ‘potential’ suitors.
The emotional torture that follows is likely to send her to depression, unlike men who reason out issues women tend to feel.To avoid a potential wedding scuffle that will be noisy,chaotic with many casualties I had to think fast to avert this life threatening calamity.
A considerable amount of resources had been committed towards this once in a lifetime investment there was no way one or two or simply three , OK let me put the figure at around four lets just make it six to avoid any second guesses. Scorned members of the female species who feel I have disappointed them in many ways by not marrying them ruin such a colorful event in front of the clergy,colleagues,relatives and prospective in laws, what will I tell people ‘Nitaambia watu nini’.
In a bid to confuse my enemies, both real and perceived I carefully orchestrated a master plan which was to be rolled out in 3 Killer phases to limiting eyes and ears to the trusted few.At first I wanted to go to the marriage registrar at the Attorney General office with two witnesses, I pick one she picks the other.This plan was dead on arrival she wanted a public display of a wedding that can be featured in a wedding show if necessary, with the help of her mother who wanted to send a strong message to her age-mates that her daughter was the first amongst equals in her generation to have a glamorous church wedding. Not forgetting the clergy who wanted to take part in officiating the wedding, the Attorney General-Marriage Registrar arrangement had given them a blank cheque.
As a man you are permitted to run out of everything from money to power but never run out of ideas,when you run out of ideas my brother you are about to die always know that, never allow yourself to run out of ideas instead have bad ideas you will be forgiven they are better than having no ideas at all.
The first phase of resource mobilization involved very few friends who will be part of the wedding lineup and family members the rest will come from my savings account any deficit thereafter will be sorted out by her,yes she has to contribute something towards her wedding as for me am fine with any arrangement as long as I slipped through the dowry negotiation process with a battered wallet .The wedding she wants, the resources she avails full stop…..
The second phase involved publicity of the wedding, blowing hot and cold depending on who was asking.In some circles it was a rumor which was to be treated as a rumor in others it was a serious wedding to be attended at all costs, that was according to my side or so I thought to avoid information pervasiveness to my enemies, the wedding wreckers so I had to confuse them as much as possible.
On her side she was inviting anyone and everyone in her circle of friends something that was out of my control. I had to work something out, to control the flow of information so as to obtain the desirable result.Yes the printer,the guy we gave the tender, almost forgot meant the job to print the wedding cards and programme. I convinced him to provide the soft copy on the eve of the wedding and the hard copies of the invitation cards a day to the wedding as a ‘surprise’ to the bride. It worked perfectly it curbed the forwarding on Whats-app by the time my enemies got wind of the wedding I was en route to Nassau,Bahamas for the honeymoon.
The final phase was setting up the date, yes the date is very important. To make a public wedding a private invite only ceremony, simply do a weekday wedding on either a Tuesday or Wednesday with specific preference for Terrific Tuesday it never disappoints. Only those who had purposed to attend the wedding will purposely attend those who come to remove mistakes here and there wont make it. This not only confuses your enemies but it also inconveniences them providing no room for launching a surprise counter attack and just like that the wedding is successful. Forget having maximum attendance and gifts as long as people who matter were present,people who matter don’t care and people who care don’t matter. Boom game over the wedding is a success,pop up the champagne any question-no question thank you; next order of business please.

DECEMBER DEMONS

Bottomline : money starts talking and you listen, it gives you suggestions that you know very well are illogical but since it overpowers your thinking thus forcing you to make the dumbest decisions ever..
Money has this itching effect, anyone who tells you money never itches him or her is a pretender, the festive season provides the most suitable environment for the itching effect of money to manifest itself.
This remains to be the only month where you have two salaries; your November salary usually hits the account on the 5th of December latest whereas the December Salary is deposited in the account latest 15th, those employed are we reading from the same script? Yearly bonuses also happen to come at this time, if you are never loaded in December yet you are employed, the person who bewitched you died without lifting off the spell.
In this month, church attendance is at an all-time low, when people have money they forget about God. Either way they will come back in January, after seeing the light when broke. It is the only month when one leaves the house at AM (After Midnight) as early as 8 am and comes back in AM as late as 7 am the following day, after A night out raving. Actually it’s the only month that nights are longer and days are shorter. This is the month when you realize food prepared in the house is very tasteless thus opting for roast meat nyama choma eat outs and those door to door pizza deliveries from selected outlets Debonairs and above
Then the money starts talking and you listen, it gives you suggestions that you know very well are illogical but since it overpowers your thinking thus forcing you to make the dumbest decisions ever. Money will tell you how Jameson from your usual neighborhood joint which is relatively ‘cheaper’ is of a lower quality, has been diluted by, its counterfeit and produced somewhere in Kariobangi North. It will go further to advice you how it might give you liver cirrhosis, kidney failure, diabetes, high blood pressure and leukemia yet you have been drinking there for a whole year. Money will therefore direct you to upgrade to another upmarket joint where the price of Jameson is attached to its ‘big’name that comes with it hence costing you thrice what you are accustomed to, since you are buying both the ‘name’ and the drink.
After using public transport and route 11 (walking) for the whole year, money will advise you on how you need to either buy or hire a car depending on what is available, it will never advice you to use taxi. Most of the time it advises on the latter, car hire. Knowing very well you don’t have a driving license you conspire with crooked members in the System acquiring it within two days, call a driver friend of yours for a two day driving crush programme in a nearby football field probably the neighborhood’s  public school, we all know these private schools have no playgrounds ave for the small bus parks. Within three days you are overtaking people in roundabouts, playing loud music with all windows open as one arm is in the“Greater Than” position. Those asking why traffic jams have been all over the city, you now got your answers. All these come with hidden costs which you will be made aware of in January.
Most of your friends have gone upcountry to join their folks; money tells you how you should also go upcountry to visit yours. How do you even remain behind when the entire neighborhood is away? Unless you want to invite those unpleasant questions of “Kwani hamnaga Ushago”, you don’t have an upcountry home? . Knowing very well the village perception a Nairobian “JoNarobi” as they are referred or other urban dwellers “JoPango” the ground will be hostile if you don’t arrive in a car with serious supporting documents inform of shopping from city supermarkets to account for what you have been doing in the city.
All bills will be yours to foot, relatives will come in handy with all kind of financial problems that need your financial intervention such as how your father’s dog invaded their farm and devoured all their maize and groundnuts thus a poor harvest yet the last time I checked with my class four science teacher dogs were carnivores i.e meat eaters;  the chief will also ambush you with a proposal to marry his daughter as elders converge at your homestead daily offer you development advice on how you can play a crucial role in ensuring the village establishes its first power plant (Posho mill) which will be the village’s lifeline. Heading upcountry in December is a trap; yes a serious trap and January always proves me right just wait and see

POLITICIAN’S WIFE

Bottomline: I must take an active role in voter mobilization moving around villages hugging women,distributing Lesos, sugar,salt and cooking oil in an attempt to endear him to the female voters who have the decisive vote only for me to become the first causality
Its now two weeks and counting,I haven’t heard from him no text, no call, no anything just like any other common,ordinary citizen I just see him on the television during those live parliamentary sessions if they happen to be aired by the national broadcaster while am in the house. Sometimes I see him neatly dressed during television interviews and am not the one responsible, who dressed him? To worsen the matter am seeing those clothes for the first time in my life. Questions start lingering across my mind where does he freshen up from before donning those adorable designer suits? Who is this woman who has taken over my husband? Where was she before he rose to this prestigious position?
The problem isn’t with her any way since in the absence of water lizards can claim to be crocodiles anyway let’s get back to my husband. I have been covering for him when our children bombard me with those questions that don’t have a proper-definitive answer on the whereabouts of their father. Since I don’t want to tarnish his ‘good’ name to his children I had to be a liar, yes a  serial liar who has to plan lies upfront and execute them with utmost precision to ensure they come out us the sheer truth nothing more. ‘Dad came home late and left early to attend to a matter of national interest;”I would feign as I prepared them for school around 5 am.
I must not only put a good face but also a good word in front of the children,something they will buy easily with little or no question marks.They should not see any sign of my pain,despair and struggle in keeping the family together. The picture of their father being the national hero everybody wants to be associated with at every level from the constituency to the national level has to be maintained at all costs necessary. Any sign of unhappiness from my side will definitely change their perception of the national hero, I don’t want to attract any unnecessary questions especially from them as it would lead to emotional instability which will affect their academic performance,perception and self esteem.
Sharing with friends,neighbors,colleagues or relatives is a no, yes a big NO. I can’t take chances they will make mince meat out of my struggles providing the necessary fodder for rumor mills, gutter press and blogs to attract traffic and make money through shouting headlines accompanied with exaggerated stories. This will expose my fragile union even further in this internet era fake news is rife soon social media investigators in their attempt to make the story juicy with interesting twists and turns they will dig out further splashing our photos everywhere for all to see.
Though the story will have some truth from a distance bulk of the information contained in the alleged ‘dossiers’ will just be hogwash. This will provide the best foundation for political propaganda with a well oiled political machinery thanks to my husband’s political enemies with the help of their handlers,data mining companies and political spin doctors. I may wake up to bad news which was my creation; with photos of my entire family circulating on social media from Whatsapp groups to Telegram channels as bloggers try to outshine each other on who can sell a much more juicier story with damning details and exposes. The internet never forgets by the way….
Having normalized the pain of an absent husband perfecting the art and technique of putting a brave face full of fake smiles as I talk with anyone and everyone who asks me how we are doing at home or how has been. I have to be at my best even on my worst days as I go on with my daily activities since any behavioral change might attract some unwanted attention from members of the fourth estate and their accomplices.
As a political tool on standby to be deployed and employed when necessary in fighting political propaganda during the messy,noisy and chaotic electioneering period that lasts for close to a year. I have to accompany him so that he won’t be called names or despised of how he expects to take care of a constituency with close to 80,000 voters and approximately 200,000 inhabitants yet he can’t take care of his wife.
In politics anyone or anything can be used to undress you thus discrediting you amongst voters. I must take an active role in voter mobilization moving around villages hugging women,distributing Lesos, sugar,salt and cooking oil in an attempt to endear him to the female voters who have the decisive vote only for me to become the first causality. As if this is not enough I form campaign parties dubbed ‘Warembo na Mheshimiwa’ in all villages with an aim of covering more ground to ensure he wins two elections; both the party nomination ticket and the actual election. The party nomination is usually the herculean task though…
Being a trophy wife to be used for public displays during state functions,dinners,church sermons and political rallies. I have to look good at all times, dressed in the latest designer attires top-down,with the latest hairstyle,shades from Dubai,Italian handbag topped up with an irresistible French cologne. Physically I may seem to be well,however, the devil is in the detail; what you may not know is that am emotionally drained. After the function we might not even go home together let alone being driven in the same vehicle. We will be seen together in the next function for the sake of publicity, if I fail to make a grand entrance away from the public eye; tongues will start wagging which is not good in this line of business.
Driven in the latest Toyota V8 with a bodyguard and driver at my disposal, living in a state of the art 10 bedroom maisonette in a leafy suburb,children attending an international school, unlimited vacations topped up with numerous shopping trips many are of the opinion that I should forever keep my silence and enjoy the privilege that comes with the trappings of power as long as it last. What they don’t know is the emotional pain that comes with such a life. They don’t know of the long sleepless nights as I pray that whenever he is may he be safe,may he not bring that disease,yes that DISEASE we all talk about in hush tones that requires daily medication though thanks to the introduction of PrEP I care less. What hell of a life……..