OF HOSTELS AND MOI UNIVERSITY. Part One

Hostel J, this is a female hostel that is dominated by male students who are always maneuvering all over the corridors to the extent they might be mistaken for janitors. In case of power blackouts ,you won’t be surprised to find male species being the ones trying to un-trip the circuit breakers. Rumour has it that the number of male students who spend the night in this hostel is far much more than the female students whom the administration designated the hostel to. This is where money invested in hostel H (Industrial Area) is spent here .This is manifested by the amount of shopping both from reliance and ‘Mabs’ that enter this hostel during weekends. It is in this hostel where the corridors of power are located.

It is the hostel that houses all models and socialites in campus even those that curtain raise school based entertainment events. With all these models, love dramas are the order of the day as majority of the girls have seven to ten boyfriends each from a different school .It is the sister hostel to hostel H both located in Soweto High Rise zone. It is also the cleanest hostel second to the hostel H, I wonder how these models survive. It is also houses salons alongside boutiques which sell shoes with funny names such as doll shoes and ‘nitalala wapi’ handbags which carry everything from eye pencil ,eye shadow ,mascara ,foundation ,spare shoes ,lipstick ,lip balm among other beauty related paraphernalia .It is also a pharmacy where the innocent are sent to meet their creator, abortion that is.

Hostel G and F. These are the de-facto river road of Moi University main Campus, whereas hostel H is the Hestgate. The duo of G and F form the Sowematt, these two hostels house assignment black-markets manifested by the posters indicating the sale of research projects and proposals of all courses .This is the favourite hangout of tired fourth years (TFYs) that are short of time in submission of their research projects pop in for ready-made research projects. Hostel F has washing machines where lazy male students’ heap clothes for three weeks then take them to the washing machines. This is where all fake certificates of merit and participation of events are produced .They also have mini-bakeries, printing outlets, computer programme brokers and technicians and soccer jersey distributors.

Senate view hostels. These hostels include the trio of K, L and M. they are the most elegant and modern hostels in school second to Ngeria hostels which houses the engineers. Hostel K which is a female hostel, just like J is full of love `ndramas and vindeos`. Male residents are always hovering along these corridors of power ignoring the `ten to ten` rules which is a passport to 1000 cultivation days in case you are found on the wrong side. Hostel L is the only `hermaphrodite` hostel, it has both male and female sections which is quite free of businesses and love dramas. This is where you are capable of viewing ‘fundamendoz’ considering the close proximity between the two sections. Ladies in this hostel have formed and perfected the habit of not closing their room windows. This is the only hostel where you can comfortably communicate with your girlfriend through the window without apologies. Hostel M which is still under construction, yet it houses students, something the ministry of public works might not know. It has an M-pesa which shows the firm is located in Kisumu yet it is in hostel M.

            The Rongai flats, usually comprising of C, D, E and F houses. This are hostels, believe you me no one would like to live in. They are classy by the way since they are self-contained and were housing lecturers before the accommodation crisis led to their conversion into `student dormitories` where rooms act as cubes. From the outside your eyes might be deceived of their state since they look old, but inside they are in a good state. They are the only hostels which you have wake up at 6a.m so as to attend 8a.m class. During the rainy season, students from these hostels act, `papa shirandula` Moi University version, where they either don gumboots or rubbers while attiring their bodies with mud friendly clothes only to change immediately they reach the tarmac or pavements. No wonder my course mate Kikuno who lived there always had a bag, only he and God knew what was inside apart from books. 

            Frakaz side slums, these are the stage based  school hostels with satirical names such as `Mwangaza` which means light yet the area is dark at night with no proper lighting. Another satirical name for a stage based hostel is comfort yet water is from the well 90% contaminated with all sorts of litter inside, electricity is not a problem to the extent the problem is electricity. Other hostels with pleasant names such as Bluegate, Ngeria view and booker also comprise of the Frakazview hostels. These hostels are usually inhabited by the Ever Complaining Second years (E.C.S.Y). Lecture attendances through osmosis, diffusion and Bluetooth. Distance and online learning are also options. Frakaz is the main lecture hall where alcohol consumption and partying are common, must attend courses. This is where John Mututho and his NACADA team should set an office.

OF MAIN CAMPUS AND TERMINOLOGIES

Since Oxford university press came up with an English dictionary which is reviewed every now and then thus the many editions. I have also decided to compile list of vocabularies that always perturbed my mind ‘dem days’ when I was in first year.

Top of the list is the word pirate, a word that I was well acquitted with as I was well versed with the Oxford Dictionary since my primary school days. According to the dictionary a pirate is a person who commits robbery at sea or one who infringes copyright. The moment I stepped in main campus the word got a very different meaning despite maintaining the same letter arrangement. A pirate is any student who resides in a room he or she is not entitled to. However, there are two types of pirating both of which are illegal but one is more illegal than the other the more illegal one is when a student  divulges money meant for accommodation for swag  and wardrobe related issues thus pirating the whole semester. While the more legal one is when one pirates due to unforeseen circumstances such as clearing after fourth year.

Stronghold or Tharaka Nithi; according to political analyst Mutai Ngunyi these are areas where politicians or political parties enjoy a fanatic following from their supporters. But in main campus it has a far different meaning as it refers to an exam passing strategy between course mates whereby the sitting arrangement is predetermined and altered favorably to determine a successful outcome of exam results. You will see these strongholds starting next week. It is facilitated by formation of exam committees which are adhoc committees formed as early as a week prior to the exam starting day and as late as thirty minutes to the start of an exam paper to ensure operation forty plus one threshold is achieved.

Running mate; in the field of political science and under the new constitution he or she is a person who vies to be the second most powerful person after the head of state. However in main campus it is a synonym of mwakenyas aka “mwaks” which is an external hard disc containing a summarized but detailed information concerning a particular course unit very efficient for intellectual reinforcement therefore a formidable artillery unstoppable by any exam questions except application questions. It is also a passport to 1000 cultivation days, fishing or herding days depending on which part of the country you come from if you are caught in action (CIA).

Exile; is a situation where one is forced to flee his native country or area of residence to avoid being a victim of calamities such as war, diseases or drought. Here it means something different. It is an artificial situation perpetrated by your roommate and co-perpetrated by his or her boyfriend or girlfriend forcing you to sleep out of your room due to ‘bedroom’ affairs’ .Forcing you to become a twelve to infinitive hour refugee.

Women representative; is a short form of women representative an elective post in the Kenyan constitution. She is a woman member of parliament elected at county level to ensure a third of women representation in all elective positions to represent the interests of women in national parliament. Here it refers to a man who represents interests of women. Instead of using the pavement on his way to student center he passes through Hostel J. He is usually visible around Hostel K, J, and L-female wing and around chips cafes buying snacks for random sweethearts. He is also in charge of escort female classmates to and from class. When you walk besides a women rep on your way to stage he end up hugging the people he is representing at a very alarming rate of two ladies per metre, thus it may take you two hours to arrive at stage courtesy of ‘hugments’ and gossips with ladies.

Senate; this is the most ambiguous word which has various meanings depending on the sentence where it is used. It can refer to the upper house in a bicameral legislature charged with the responsibility of making laws governing county governments within the republic. Here it is the highest decision making body full of policy makers in charge of issuing further noticed holidays. Whereas comrades, the noise makers are busy chest chumping themselves that a comrade is always right. At the senate a comrade is always wrong and is guilty unless proven otherwise. The composition the senate has highly decorated individuals with humongous titles like EGH, OBS, BOG, CDF, PTA among others with indigenous names combined with biblical names which is usually placed as an initial for example EGH,OBS Otieno B. Oyoo where the B stands for Bartholomew.

Fracas; in the Webster English dictionary it refers to disorder where scuffles are the order of the day. Here it represents the most outspoken entertainment spot, this is our club Galileo located at Westlands (stage). This is the only place where someone who is physically superior because he is a regular gym goer and a heavy consumer of carbohydrates with a wedge shaped body like the comical character known as ‘masgwembe’ in Safaricom data bundles advert has the right to practice uncensored dance styles such as “bend over” and “gal a bubble” with your girlfriend and you have the right to remain silent unless your personal doctor, whom you probably don’t have has recommended facial surgery.

Super editing; this is coined from two words super which means extraordinary while editing means removal of grammatical error in a news article. Here it is the process of taking a colleague’s assignment that is in soft copy when you realize you are out of time even though the assignment was given two weeks ago. It involves changing and replacing of words to the extent that it appears like the original copies. It is a risky affair if a lecturer detects, as getting a zero is warranted as punishment. It is carried out by serial ‘copy pasters’ who are mercurial in this undertaking that they end up getting more marks than the person with the original copy.

Flying Squad; is one of the most dreaded Kenya police squads which has un-uniformed and ever mobile policemen. Here it refers to students who airlift themselves to the upper most part of the double decker. So as to sleep on the uppermost part of the double decker like roasted meat on top of a wire mesh, am not targeting my friend Luqmane Ntaragwi in this case.

THE PEOPLE I MISSED AT MAIN CAMPUS FURTHER NOTICED SERIES

Part One

 While I was away for the eight month mother notice awarded to me together with my fellow second years, courtesy of the “big boys who call the shots” in the administration block. This notice affected all second years in main campus apart from the engineers in the school of technology. There are many people I missed but those I missed most are the ones who will feature in this article.

Top of the list is my friend, roommate and course mate Luqmane Ntarangwi. This friend of mine from Nyambene area in Meru County, whom I suspect is the son of the chairman of Nyambene Miraa Traders Association (NYAMITA) since he is always dropped by a Toyota Hilux during the semesterial opening days. He always claims am a hater every time I have a different opinion which is contradictory to his, to add on his constant arguments that usually come up out of nowhere. That one aside he also claims am a member of Illuminati every time I attire myself in a suit and I carry my briefcase.

Joshua Ongechi this roommate of mine since my first year who is a staunch traditionalist. Whenever he has a misfortune such as a simple headache, he claims that jealous people, unhappy with his successful endeavors in the university are following him from the village. My course mate Ajema used to say am funny until she came across one Ongechi who told her he would convince his father to sell their only donkey which helps them in fetching water from the river so that she could marry her. His sarcasm does not end there he is creative in making up stories of how respected he is at the village level to the extent that the village chief consults him when things become difficult. In addition he claims that in shops at the shopping centre have his portrait placed next to that of the president. To add on to his sarcasm he claims that whenever he hugs a girl he receives a phone call from either his father or mother warning him of how the world is tough and diseases are rife. He also claims that he all the chics in campus who are ignoring him now, will be after him in two years and at that time he would be a senior reporter in the media fraternity to the extent of dining and wining with the likes of Janet Mbugua.

Pesh and Sialo this two course mates of mine who are always in my exam committee for various unexplainable reasons. They are the only course mates who update me on the 411’s about me in class like I don’t have a smartphone so that I join whatwhat, sorry meant whatsapp. As a matter of fact am not buying a smartphone since we are living in an era of smart phones and foolish persona’s. They are the reason I changed my prayers to the Almighty that He should protect me from my friends as I will take care of my enemies since I now know them. I almost forgot they bankroll most of my take-away fries at Collo’s café.

To be Continued

                                              

The writer is a second year and the  Editor in Chief The Communicator-Moi University